Forever Changed

You know that feeling you get when you have an unbelievable, incredible, life-changing experience…and you think There is no possible way I'll ever forget this feeling and the impact this has had on my life? Then, some time goes by and the feeling fades, the impact may lose its powerful newness of epiphany and you kind of forget. There are those moments, though, in which something bigger and more powerful is at work and you walk away truly changed forever. They may be rare, but somehow, on some deeper level, you recognize it. You know it's not going away and you will never ever be the same.

Recently, I had the honor and privilege to meet someone and hear her story and her heart. I got to see the sparkle in her eyes when she shared about the miracles she had seen God do in her life. I got to hear the passion in her voice as she shared stories of heartache and brokenness radically transformed into hope and new life.

As she answered students' questions about her background and her conversion, it seemed so simple and matter of fact. Of course she would do whatever it took to share the love of Jesus with others, and of course it was worth the risk of losing her very life. Isn't that what Jesus did for her? Why would she give any less?

It has helped me to understand that we cannot truly appreciate freedom unless we have experienced bondage and slavery. We cannot know the value of the greatest sacrifice ever given for us until we have given up something so dear and precious to us, having faith that something greater will be gained. The only way we can begin to fathom deep gratitude is to receive the very thing we so desperately need but could in no way attain on our own.

I am humbled that I've had the awesome opportunity to listen and ask questions and pray for needs with this child of God, who so boldly speaks so that others may know Him. I am in awe of His glory and power displayed through her story. It is a reminder that His grace and love is reflected in each of our stories. When my boys got to hear her speak, they took in what their 7 and 4 year old minds could comprehend, but then they each looked up at me and asked "Mommy, will you tell me your story?"

In her words, I will share the thing that has stuck with me the most…in response to a question from a student about sharing her faith:

It's simple. God sent His one and only Son to be sacrificed on the cross for me. All He wants me to do is share it. Why wouldn't I want to take the Best News there could possibly be and tell everyone about it?

It really is simple if we let it be.

Thank you, dear friend, for your faithfulness and obedience in sharing the Gospel. Thank you for helping me keep things in perspective by increasing my awareness of what it really looks like to follow Jesus, even if it means losing everything else. The cost is great, but it is worth it.

Brokenness

I've never been super attached to a pet. I love animals and I had pets growing up. I used to prefer cats,  probably because they weren't as needy. Then, I married my husband and was introduced to a whole new world of what it meant to have pets/furry family members. I still didn't get it right away. The first time I met Brandon's parents and went to their house, their enormous German Shepherd, Major, tried to attack me by lunging at me and ripping my shirt with his teeth.

Over the years, it must have grown on me…this idea of having pets and getting attached to them. My mother and father-in-law rescued this beautiful all black German Shepherd, who had been abused in ways we probably can't even imagine. She has never fully recovered. She came to live with us a couple of years ago, and I was determine to help her get better. Maybe it was the counselor in me. 

Heidi never wanted to leave her kennel much, she wanted nothing to do with us or anyone that came to our house. She was terrified and it was so difficult to watch her have no energy, no peace, and no motivation to do anything. Last Spring, I went through a time when I wasn't very motivated and didn't have a lot of energy, but I knew I needed to get healthier. So, I started walking in the early hours of the morning. Heidi didn't want to do much, but she LOVED to go for walks. It was still dark out, and I carried my pepper spray at my dad's request, but I felt safe with this large, black, fierce-looking dog by my side. (Nobody else knew that she would cower away from them before she would attack them.) She was always lean, but still beautiful. When I walked her during daylight, someone would ALWAYS comment on what a pretty dog she was, whether they were in their yard or driving in the car and had to roll their window down to say it.

I didn't realize it until a couple of days ago, but I had developed a special bond with Heidi. She began to trust me. She would come to the living room and lay in the floor when I was in there (This is a BIG deal for her.) She would lick my hand and come to the dinner table and beg for food. She began to trust the kids more, too. Calvin helped feed her, Luke still stressed her out a little, and Mollie was her favorite. Mollie would lean down and just hug Heidi and Heidi would lick her face and make her giggle. There was this understanding between two beings who didn't have the ability to communicate with words…they knew they were safe in each other's presence.

Heidi has had all sorts of health problems over the years and they would get better and then bad again. A couple of days ago, I noticed that she was thinner than ever and not able to move easily. She wasn't eating and had withdrawn again. It got bad fast, and when we went to bed last night, we weren't sure if she'd be here this morning. 

I've sat with her and talked to her, gently petting her and trying to bring any comfort I can. I've cried for her and the difficult life she's had that was not her fault. Now, I'm accepting that her journey is coming to an end very soon.

I can't help but to think about her abuse and her brokenness that affected her whole life and the fact that I couldn't take that pain away from her or ease it more. It causes me to consider the broken people that I talk to all the time, many of their stories similar to Heidi's. When I'm really honest, I can admit that I'm broken, too. I've been hurt, discarded and treated badly. The truth is we are all broken, because our world is broken and filled with sin and pain. So, what can we do about it? Sometimes, it seems like we can't do anything. 

There is one person who Heidi loved and trusted more than anyone…my father-in-law. There was not one single time that Heidi did not jump up and run to greet him with barks and energy and excitement, until yesterday. He came in and she couldn't even lift her head. This grown man, in his suit, got down on his hands and knees, reached into the back of the kennel and pet Heidi, gently and softly talking to her. It was one of the most beautiful and loving things I've ever seen.

This is what we do about the brokenness all around us and within us. We look for opportunities to enter into someone's brokenness with them. We offer comfort and let them cry or listen to their story. We pray with them and for them. We ask for wisdom when we don't know what to do or how to help. We commit to loving people with our whole hearts, even if it makes us vulnerable to experiencing pain. 

When I doubt my abilities to help others (the definition of my calling) through counseling, this is what I want to remember. GOD will provide, HE will equip, HE will sustain, HE will heal. His healing may not always look the way I think it should, but HE is the only one who can make someone who is broken whole.

Identity

For some time now, I have struggled with a particular aspect of my spirituality. Identity in Christ. I don't know about you, but the Christian-ese I have been exposed to (or perhaps fabricated on my own) says that it is important that I strive to find my identity in Christ. Only recently have I discovered the unnecessary weight this has placed on my soul.

When I think about looking for something, like I beg my children to search for things, it stresses me out quite a lot. Did you look for it? Did you pick up things and look under them? Did you look for it in more than one place? When I have indeed spotted the exact thing they are agonizing over not being able to find, without so much as moving an inch, the intensity of my impatience and disbelief grows exponentially. My heart rate increases just thinking about it. (Children are a gift from the Lord. Children are a gift from the Lord.)

Similarly, when I really consider this task of finding my identity in Christ, it is not only difficult to grasp, but also a little intimidating. Where do I look? Who do I ask? How do I acquire this elusive and intangible idea and then how do I keep it? When I searched "finding my identity" on Google, there were many results...finding my identity: in Christ, after a divorce, after cancer, as an adoptee, 4 secrets..., 3 key phases..., the first step... the list goes on and on. It turns out it's a popular quest. There is some comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one who doesn't feel like I know who I am all the time.

Recently, I had a realization. As I was sharing about my my struggle to 'find my identity in Christ', this statement came out of my mouth before ever processing through my mind (sounds dangerous, I know). I think it came straight from a truth the Holy Spirit must have planted in my heart, because I hadn't even considered it before I spoke it. It was this:

I feel like it's such hard work to try and find my identity in Christ when I guess I just need to rest in it.

i·den·ti·ty

ˌīˈden(t)ədē/

noun

1. 1. 

   the fact of being who or what a person or thing is.

Identity is not something we find or feel or pursue or choose. It's who we are. It is a fact. I've heard another statement for years that is suddenly meaningful and logical to me:

It is not about who you are but whose you are. 

In our self-centered, success-driven, spotlight stealing culture, of course I am constantly tempted to make it about me. The fact is: it's not. And that's a good thing! If it's about me, then it's up to me. If it's up to me, then I will fail. Maybe not right away, but at some point, I will make a mess of things. The blessed and grace-filled reality is that my identity already IS in Christ. I AM a child of God. I am LOVED perfectly by my precious Savior. I don't have to search for it, ask for it, earn it or do ANYTHING at all. It just is.

What I CAN do is grow in it. I can pursue my relationship with Christ more deeply. I can increase in my confidence of this truth. The difference is that I get to do these things out of an abundance of joy because I am His. It's not out of obligation but out of deep gratitude and a desire to know Him. This slight shift in perspective brings freedom. We no longer have to be paralyzed by the fear of failure. We will fail. We already have. We can live in the sweet certainty that we are accepted anyway-just as we are. We are cherished because He is who He is...and we BELONG to Him.

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The Bad Guys

Luke ran up to me after church, holding his picture that he had colored. He was very excited to tell me what he had learned. "These people have sin in their hearts! This is a bad guy, this is a bad guy and this is a good guy!" He pointed out the people in the picture he had colored. Some of them had a cross in their hearts and some didn't.

I love his enthusiasm about learning, especially when it comes to the Gospel. I am so thankful for the way his teachers at church and school plant seeds of scripture and truth into his heart. I love that what they are learning in church are the same things I am learning in church. What I am studying with the staff at school are the same things my boys are hearing daily in their classrooms. God uses it to prepare my own heart and mind for the tough questions that are bound to come. I also feel the weight of responsibility we have, as parents, to provide the main foundation for their faith.

With two boys and one man in our home who love superheroes, bad guys and good guys are a regular topic of conversation. I know it's important to help my children understand the truth of the Gospel, but I struggle to know how to explain to them...we're all the bad guys. We all have sin in our hearts. We have no hope of ever being a good guy, apart from Jesus and His finished work on the cross. In Christ Alone. It's such a beautiful truth, full of grace. It is something I can rest in, knowing that it doesn't depend on me or the possibility that circumstances outside my control will get better. Salvation rests in Jesus Christ and what He has already accomplished. Praise Jesus.

Is it strange that, even in being confident of this, it is hard for me to want to tell my kids that they're the bad guys? That we all are...or were? How do I help such young and innocent minds see the beauty and goodness of the Gospel, without crushing them beneath the weight of it?

Again, thankfully, it is not up to me. I will fail them, but God won't. I will not always have the exact words to share with them, but God will speak to their hearts. For today, I will cling to Jesus and trust His provision for me and for these precious little ones He has entrusted to me. I will do everything I can to love them and teach them of our need for Jesus, but I will not do it in my own strength.

Birthday Blessings...Don't Waste Your Life

Today is my 35th birthday, and my mind has been racing with these thoughts that I'm finally recording, as well as just trying to take in every moment.





My day started with a beautifully peaceful walk in the light rain with our German Shepherd, Heidi. (It actually started with my 4-year-old having a complete an utter meltdown at 6:30am, but we will get to that later.) This is an important place where reflection happens for me...early morning in the quiet of my neighborhood. (Also, like now, late at night lying in bed with my laptop.) I began to think about the day ahead and suddenly felt challenged, inspired to look forward and press into what God has for me in the upcoming year. I want to seize the opportunities of difficult times and struggles and allow myself to be stretched and grow stronger because of them. I don't want to be comfortable or complacent. Instead, I want to be passionately pursuing the fullness of life that has been laid before me. I was challenged to really pay attention to the many ways I am blessed daily, yet I tend to overlook it. I'm so thankful my day began this way, because I was fully aware when the rest of my day absolutely blew my mind. I am going to list the ways I was blessed, simply because if I wrote out every detail of today, this post would be a novel. So, here goes...

• sipping really good coffee and watching the rain
• getting a surprise birthday phone call from an old friend
• healthy enough to go to the gym to work out (and experience MUCH pain later for it)
• getting a FaceTime 'Happy Birthday' song from mom and dad
• my absolute favorite weather....all.day.long.
• going to a place I love to 'work' with amazing women doing what I love
• receiving sweet cards from these women, whom I admire so much
• a birthday card in the mail from another sweet co-worker at my other job that I love doing with people I love and admire
• reading Happy Bday Facebook posts and text messages from sweet friends and family
• spending time with and getting extra hugs from 3 beautiful healthy children
• growing in patience as one of the beautiful healthy children decided to lose his mind and throw a tantrum...twice
• cupcakes and wine from my sweet hubby who loves me so well (with grace, patience and compassion, not just cupcakes and wine)
• dinner out with family, good food and fellowship, quality time (my love language)
• thoughtful gifts from my mom-on-law who loves me like a daughter
• rocking my daughter to sleep tonight

Google even knew it was my birthday and honored me with a Google Doodle.
It was definitely creepy at first.

These things represent all of the good stuff in my life. I don't remember this conversation, but my husband reminded me of it. A while ago he asked me how I felt about turning 35, and I simply responded: Well, it's half-way to 70. I don't know why I said that or what I was feeling that day. Today, I can tell you that I am overflowing with joy and gratitude. I am overwhelmed by the love of my Heavenly Father for showering down on me an abundance of love and blessings from above. 

There were normal, not-so-great things about today, like there are every day. There was a more clear distinction to me of how great my life is and how hard the lives are of some others around me, in comparison. Yesterday I had an amazing hair day and absolutely nowhere to go, but today...eh. Luke melted down and screamed and cried and just lost it twice, and one of those times was because he didn't want me to go anywhere ever again and wanted the two of us to just stay home and play together...forever, I guess. I sat on hold for 33 minutes with the state licensing board to check on the status of my license and when it was 4:00 and they were no longer taking calls, it just cut me off. I felt it. The enemy tried to creep in and place seeds of doubt in my mind, seeds of guilt and sadness. He tried to steal my joy. Thankfully, I have learned to recognize it and can usually prevent it from taking over. Today, he didn't even have a chance. So, moving forward into a new year, I have hope. I have peace. I have motivation. My mom wrote to me: Happy Birthday, May all your dreams come true! It just made me realize...they have! I hope and pray that each year my birthday is better than the last. Not better because of gifts or trips or experiences or anything external, but better because I am growing in the ability to have true gratitude and broaden my perspective to really appreciate what is sweet in life and what life is really all about.

John Piper's book "Don't Waste Your Life" has repeatedly come into my mind today. I don't want to waste even a moment, but I want my life to be poured out for Christ. That may look very different from day to day. While my kids are little, it means praying for and with them and teaching them to pray and about a relationship with Jesus.  Some days it means ministering through counseling clients or pouring out our resources for the ministries and missionaries who are pushing the Gospel forth into unreached places. Every day it means surrendering to the only One who is worth giving your life for. 

How will you not waste your life today?