Connection

This has been a theme for me lately…am I connecting with my husband, with my kids and especially with my Savior? Connection can be defined in different ways, but meaningful connection is evident. I had the coolest experience tonight, and I want to try to paint a picture, but the task is daunting and it will be difficult to do it justice.

I was ready to spend some time in the Word this evening, and I felt compelled to sit outside. I love being outside, because it reduces distractions (ahem…children) that are in the house. I also just feel closer to my Creator when I'm experiencing His creation. My mother-in-law always sits outside early in the morning with the Lord, warm, cold, rainy, snowy. Tonight was beautiful, so I'm definitely a fair-weather outdoor quiet time fan. It is just different, and it facilitates deeper connection for me.

So, I get all settled at our table on the backyard patio with my water and bible and turn my music on. Again, I just had this feeling that I needed to change my Pandora station to a certain one (Kari Jobe Station, for inquiring minds).

I open my Bible App to my current plan, which is reading through the Bible and then open my Bible to Leviticus 8. I start reading, and I'm feeling a little guilty about being in chapter 8 and not having underlined one single word in this book yet. I'm trying to dig deeper and see what God wants to show me through the details of all the sacrifices, but all I can really think about is wondering how bad it must have smelled with all the dead animals and parts, even though it keeps saying it was a pleasing aroma. Then I'm wondering if the priests were rather large because they had to eat a lot of food, it seemed. So, you can imagine my mindset, not very spiritual, right?

Then, Captivate Us is playing on my phone and the wind picks up. I look up and a big dark cloud is descending over the backyard. The pecan tree is swaying in the wind and I sense a Presence, filled with power, but I don't feel afraid. Just in awe.

I try to continue reading a few more lines of Leviticus, and another song comes on with a line that says I'm the one who's loved you all your life. It just captured me. I closed my Bible, and looked up at the sky. The temperature dropped and it seemed like I was just being enveloped by this storm and that it may start raining any second. The songs continued to sing about God's love and goodness, and it felt like it was a mixed tape of love songs from God to me. Certain lyrics would bring tears to my eyes, because they were exactly the promises that I didn't know I desperately needed to hear.

Then, without warning, everything was completely still. Not one leaf was moving. The cloud was still there, but there was complete quiet. I was literally sitting in the peace with the storm around me, but unable to touch me. I experienced God's presence, maybe more strongly than I ever have, because I had absolute assurance that He was there with me.

To avoid sounding too cliche, I won't go into all the metaphors this brought to mind for me. I'm sure you can imagine, or even insert your own application.

I cringe to imagine missing that if I hadn't responded to Jesus's gentle nudge to step away from everything and just spend time with Him. As my boss recently said it, He wants us to come away with Him. My friend in devo this morning reminded me that He does want time with me. Another friend today asked me how I'm doing with resting in Him. He orchestrated all of that and then blew me away (literally and figuratively) because I simply sat outside and was present, waiting for Him to show up.

For the record, the wind started blowing again, the amazing love songs continued and I finished reading my chapters in Leviticus, Psalms, Proverbs and 1 Thessalonians. (Smart people wrote this plan…they knew to put some good, easier reads like Psalms with Leviticus.)

An Ego Problem

I've always struggled to ask people for money. When you read that first sentence, you may have had one of several knee-jerk reactionary thoughts. Maybe you thought "Why?" or "Me, too!" or maybe "You should have a problem asking people for money." or maybe you just got a sick feeling in your stomach or a tightening in your chest because that's how you feel when you think about the subject.

We have a gracious God who is patient with us when we just don't get it. When I was a sophomore in college, I went on a short-term mission trip to Barcelona, Spain. I wrote support letters and tried to raise money. I was a teenager and didn't give much thought to it or remember worrying the money wouldn't come through. I do specifically remember going to our final meeting before the trip, knowing I was still quite a bit short of what I needed. When I arrived, the BSM director told me that someone had given the exact amount I was lacking. It was so cool to see God provide and it was a pivotal moment in my life I can return to and remember God's faithfulness.

I went on another trip to Beach Reach on South Padre Island during spring break, and I was in charge of going to fast food restaurants and asking for donations of plasticware, paper plates and to go box containers, cups, etc., because we would provide free pancake breakfasts while we were there. That was not as difficult for a couple of reasons. Practically every place would give at least a sleeve of cups, so I didn't have to suffer the fear of rejection. Also, it wasn't as personal. I was asking for supplies, I had a tangible need that could be easily met, measured and explained. I didn't feel like I had to excessively defend my reasons for asking for paper goods.

It's different when you put yourself out there and ask for financial support. It's the equivalent of admitting things that are hard to admit. Things like "I don't have enough money, and I need your help." Things like "I don't make a lot of money, but I know I'm supposed to go on this trip." It requires an act of laying down our pride. Ultimately it takes the adoption of a new and right perspective: It's not about me.

You see, when I make it about me and what I lack, it shifts the focus away from where it belongs. It diminishes the reality of what God wants to do through this process. It is this incredible opportunity for Him to show off and get glory WHEN He comes through. If I'm not careful, I miss it. If I could do it on my own, then what happens to my need for and dependency on Him? It doesn't give me cause for shame, but it provides me with more than RESOURCES but a REASON to boast in Him alone.

When I am tempted to despair or worry or wish I could just do it without any help, what I should really do is be thankful that God uses these opportunities to humble me, teach me and provide for me like a Good Daddy does. He doesn't want me to worry, He wants me to TRUST.

Practicing Mindfulness

*I began writing this Friday, March 23rd, so I wouldn't lose the thoughts and feelings. I didn't finish it until today…

Cold clean water rushing over my hands and the scent of soap, a mix of pears and honey, drifting up out of the suds. Mindful of what is present, a gift, takes me to another place in my mind, while also creating a new level of awareness. The house is quiet except for the whirring of the dishwasher and the running water. The oven finishes preheating and beeps in the background. Though unusually quiet, the house does not feel empty. The kids are playing in the back yard while my husband repairs the gate latch and fires up the grill. If I really listen, I can hear faint evidences of their laughter and make believe. They are whole, healthy, beautiful. I adore them, yet I unapologetically treasure this unordinary moment of peace to reflect. With each deep inhalation and release, the day melts away and my soul fills with gratitude.

Today I’ve cried. For others. For myself, my fears, my blessings. Been angry and confused. Been overwhelmed with love and acceptance. Been quiet and loud. Felt failure and success. Confidence and insecurity. All lessons. All necessary. All giving life and growth to the everyday moments and the once in a lifetime ones.

So much emotion, sometimes too much to express. Identifying, judging, deciding. A welcome momentary break from the thoughts and feelings to simply Be.

In.

The.

Moment.

Time Flies

I'm not sure what it is, but lately I just can't get enough of my kids. Don't get me wrong…there are daily moments sprinkled in of having had enough.

Somehow, though, the time just seems to be slipping away. 

Maybe it's because my baby girl will be two in less than two weeks. She is suddenly no longer a baby but an adorable little person, full of spunk and personality. 

The boys got hair cuts and look like teenagers. 

My seven year old doesn't like to kiss me goodbye when I drop him off at school and seems like he will be taller than me any day now. 

The boys are doing dishes, and this part of them growing up is AMAZING!

My four year old no longer says 'lellow' instead of 'yellow'. 

As I try to cherish each moment, life seems to sweep them away before I can bask in the enjoyment of the sweet embraces and even the frustrating, teachable ones. In order to attempt to subdue the panic threatening to rise up inside of me, I am taking snapshots like a mad woman. Every second counts and I want to document it. Here are only a few of the ones I've captured in the past 2 weeks. 

Their love for reading…I can't even express the joy this gives me.

Barnes and Noble is our new favorite hangout.

Their sense of adventure is contagious and inspiring.

 I am so humbled and honored to be chosen to be their mom. 

Intermittent Fasting: Day 26

1/26/18

Today has been a day of stress eating. I knew I did this periodically to some extent. I think this is why it's so important to track what you eat. It makes me so much more aware, even during the times when I'm not tracking every single calorie. I still pay better attention. 

Yesterday presented me with some sticky situations and stressful conversations. It caused me to not sleep well last night. I had some anxiety today and some nerves about the basketball game tonight. It was like the perfect storm.

Emotional  ✅

Fatigued  ✅

Stressed  ✅

Anxious  ✅

Nervous  ✅

Overeating  ✅

Unhealthy Snacking  ✅

Anxiety and operating from a place of stress is not normal for me, and I'm thankful for that. It also caused me to be ill-prepared to handle it well. I started trying all the relaxation and breathing exercises I teach my clients. I didn't realize how much of a crutch food is for me when I need comfort, though, so in those tempting moments, I caved.

I'm glad I had this experience while I'm hyper aware of what I'm eating. I will be better prepared to handle it in the future. 

What are some ways you manage stress and anxiety? I would love to know what works well for you!

Intermittent Fasting: Day 25

1/25/18

Some funnies...




Love it!



Don’t we all?




Chick-fil-a, but yeah. Love Fat Amy.

Y'all.

Tuesday afternoon and Wednesday morning, Luke shared with us that they read about Esther at school on Tuesday. This was extra special, because the boys and I recently had a conversation about movies that are based on bible stories and we started talking about the story of Esther. They had so many questions and wanted to know more. Luke has a gift for hearing stories (especially from the Bible) and understanding, remembering and retelling them…exactly. He told us about 'the bad guy' (Haman) and how he had built something (gallows) for Mordecai to be killed on, but then Haman was killed on it instead. He told us that Haman wanted to kill all the Jewish men and Esther the queen saved the Jewish people. It was incredible.

 Yesterday morning, I attended three different chapel services at school. I normally go to two…the lower and upper elementary. Brandon was speaking at jr. high/high school chapel, though, so I made it to hear the last part of his. Each of the messages was unique and powerful.

Mama Kuss talked to Pre-K through 3rd grade (and staff and parents) about the choices we make. She shared about King Josiah and how he became king when he was only 8 years old. I am so thankful that both of my boys were in there for this message, and I am equally grateful that I get to benefit from the encouragement and conviction of hearing the Word of God often, through many different people who are wiser than me.

Mrs. Bevly's 4th grade class shared the message of salvation, redemption and forgiveness based on Isaiah 53:5.

The presentation of this incredible truth was done through these amazing students memorizing scripture, dwelling on their own sins and weaknesses and also on Jesus's sacrifice for our reconciliation to the Father. They made signs with these sins (we ALL struggle with) written on them and symbolically placed them on one of the students representing Jesus. Then, that student placed the signs back onto each student which now read Forgiven.

I left the sweet time of worship and immediately walked over to catch the rest of Brandon's talk. The things he was saying were so good. He was giving the students questions to consider and encouraging them to do some soul searching. He presented the Gospel and openly acknowledged that it's a real possibility that there are people in our school who have not given their lives to Christ. Yes, in a Christian school, not everyone is a Christian. He shared personal examples of having been exactly where some of them are right now. It was powerful. For me, even more powerful than the content of what he was saying was the experience of getting to watch my husband in his element. He stands in front of his class every day and teaches them passionately about the love of Christ. He coaches his basketball team and pours out his heart and energy and strength, trying to help them understand the value of hard work, being a team, growing in their God-given abilities and most of all how to be disciples of Christ. He speaks at chapel, and he teaches a theology class at church. Most of the time, I don't get to see it. When we first met, Brandon was a pastor and for the first 5 years of our marriage, I got to hear him preach almost every week. I am so blessed and thankful to see with my own eyes and to KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is in the center of his calling. He struggles through a full and busy schedule with a heavy burden for the students he cares about so much. He sometimes goes days without seeing his own children. He makes sacrifices, and so do we as his family. When I stood at the back of the room and saw those students engaged and being impacted by the message God had given Brandon to share, tears came to my eyes. It is worth it. Christ, His glory and the Gospel going forth is worth all we have to give.

Yesterday afternoon, Calving brought home his piece to memorize for the speech meet: Isaiah 43:10-13. It's not short, but he isn't scared. He wanted a copy in his room, in the kitchen, in the living room and in the car. We are memorizing it together, and I'm pretty sure I'm more intimidated than he is. At first he didn't want to get started, but I talked to him about his daddy speaking in chapel and what a gift God has given him. I told him that it's important to practice and learn how to stand up in front of people and share the Word of God, and God will bless that and use him someday the same way that he uses daddy now. After that, Calving was ready to roll!

This morning, I was reading my bible. Luke climbed into my lap and wanted to know if I was reading Esther. I said I was reading Exodus. He snuggled in and sat quietly. Then, he asked me if I was reading why wasn't I talking? I forget he's not a reader yet, so he doesn't understand that we can read silently, in our minds. Next I was reading Luke 18, and I asked him if he wanted me to read it out loud. Since it was from the book of Luke, he said yes. I still had Job and 2 Corinthians on my checklist, but he asked me to read him some of Esther. So I did. Planting seeds of scripture into the hearts of my children will always take precedence over completing my checklist…even my bible reading checklist.

I don't share these things in order to puff myself up or think any of this is anything that I have done. It is ONLY by the grace of God that we have the privilege of learning from Him through His Word. I am unworthy but He is love. I share this because I have not consistently read the Word of God purposefully in this way until recently, and it is truly life-changing. If I can encourage anyone to try it, that is what I want to do. I will even read it with you!

God is so good to bless me with His Word and with all the many ways I get to hear it every day. I never want to take it for granted. When I am faithful to start my day this way, He uses it. He gives me verses to share with clients who need hope, with friends who need encouragement and He encourages my heart and fills me up sometimes to the point of feeling like I will burst. It is transforming, alive, a weapon against evil and a comfort to my Spirit.