The Guilt Game

Guilt. We have all experienced it. Personally, I know guilt as a daughter, a sister, a friend, a teacher, a counselor, a wife and most likely any role I've ever played. The most guilt I've probably felt is as a mom. If you're a mom, you know what I'm talking about. If you have a mom, know that she has probably experienced guilt for not being able to be perfect for you and give you everything you could ever need, want and hope for. Yes, it's a guilt born out of love, which can make it tricky to pin down as bad. But trust me, there is no such thing as good guilt...no matter what the origin.

The Nature of Guilt

Feeling guilty does not produce anything, at least not anything worth having. It is an emotion that causes us to become stagnant. We wallow in it and somehow get stuck. If it is deep enough, it paralyzes us. When guilt does lead to action, and we do something or don't do something because of guilt, it will always end badly. It will end in resentment, regret or simple insufficiency. And when we use guilt to manipulate (we have all done it either purposely or passively), that is the worst.

Guilt Defined

The very definition of guilt exposes its attributes that prove it worthy of avoidance: a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined. Whether real of imagined. Seriously, I bet 90% of the guilt we feel is something we dream up about how we might have offended someone or could have possibly done something differently to produce a more favorable outcome. Is it just me? Am I the only one who does this?

A feeling...that calls for skepticism as well. We talk about the danger in making decision or speaking words that are based on emotion. So isn't it an oxymoron to justify feeling responsible? It just makes more sense to own it and be responsible, because either you are or you're not. If you are concerned that you said something hurtful, ask the person and make it right, rather than worrying and feeling guilty about it. If you worry that you aren't enough for the people in your life...your elderly parents you care for, your spouse, your kids, your friends...stop. Stop worrying and stop feeling guilty. You are enough, period. The very fact that you are concerned about it shows that you care, and trust me, what you do and who you are is enough.

Replacing Guilt With Something Better

Guilt does have a purpose, because it helps us know when we have messed up. And it is important to acknowledge and admit our mistakes. I just believe that guilt is a weapon of the enemy and the strategy is a powerful one. So, in place of it, I prefer to use the term conviction. Conviction is defined as a fixed or firm belief. Something that is fixed or firm does not change. It isn't fluid, as to fit the shape of a container or the details of a circumstance. A belief is substantial with a  firm foundation, rather than an emotion that cannot be trusted or dependable. Conviction is powerful, and it keeps us honest without weighing us down. It corrects us without condemning us. 

Enough

Sometimes I fall into such a habit of feeling guilty that I don't even realize I'm doing it. Then, something will happen to bring it to my attention (e.g. my mom will say "You're a good mom" and I just dissolve into tears). Suddenly, it hits me like a train: Apparently, I haven't felt like I was being a good mom lately. I might be the only one who has mommy guilt or wife guilt or Jesus-follower guilt. But I seriously doubt it. 

I hope this is an encouragement to those of you reading. I hope it is a reminder and the beginning of transformed thinking and feeling for all of us. I sincerely hope that whatever you are going through, wherever you are in life and relationships, and whatever blessings and hardships fill your days right now that, even in the moments you don't feel like it, you know and believe you are enough. More importantly, when we play the human card and inevitably display our imperfections, Jesus is enough.