Wherever you are...

be all there. This is a Jim Elliot quote, which has been a recurring theme in my life since the first time I heard it several years ago. It keeps coming back, I believe, because as much as I want to, I still don't 'get it'. Not completely. And maybe I never will.

Initially, I really thought about this concept a lot when I was living overseas in Korea. This was a year of really learning more about who I was, who I wanted to be and how to trust God in the process. At that time in my life, the way it applied was attempting to understand what it meant to seize the day and make the most of every opportunity, not letting one minute go to waste. I have to admit this is a really broad interpretation also making it somewhat overwhelming. If we were honest, most of us would say this is something we strive for-living in the moment and passionately drinking in every second of life that we can. Admittedly, most of us can also say that we don't. Not 100% of the time. We have a bad day and in response we allow ourselves to think that everything is going wrong rather than counting our blessings. But we're striving for this noble goal, and that's good, right?

As I was going through my grad school program for counseling, there was a skill I really had to work on because it didn't come very naturally to me. Active listening. It's ironic, because many people have told me that I'm a 'good listener'. Isn't that sort of typical? Many people, if you ask them what their strengths are, will say 'I'm a good listener.' It's an easy answer, and it's an easy thing to fake. It just involves physically being there, making eye contact and nodding. The person sharing has no clue if the 'good listener' is thinking about what they're going to eat for dinner. People are drawn to me and feel like they can share their problems with me because I listen (e.g. don't walk away, interrupt or try to dominate the conversation). Seriously, the other day I went to pick up a to-go order at McAlister's and the lady who checked me out began pouring her heart out to me about a struggle she was having in a relationship. So this skill of active listening is pertinent for a counselor and I've had to learn. I have to really focus on what a person is saying without thinking about and planning what I want to say in response. I have to listen, not just to their words, but to their feelings behind the words. Being a 'good listener' is much more involved than we sometimes realize and can require hard work that goes against what comes naturally. But it is necessary in order to be all there.

Lately, this quote has applied to my life in the area of electronics, cell phones in particular. My family does it, my friends do it and I do it all the time. I sacrifice sweet time with loved ones to play a game, read about someone else on Facebook or text someone who isn't present and neglect being in the room. I forfeit good communication and fellowship to settle for mediocre entertainment. I have been so convicted about this. I've convinced my husband to take a day off with me from electronics of all kinds-we turned our phones off, didn't turn the TV on and took a break. We did it one day and hardly made it! And we haven't done it since. What will it take, I wonder, for me to see what is truly needed and embrace it?

When it comes down to it, Luke 10:38-42 tells me that only one thing is necessary...that's to sit at Jesus's feet. When that is ultimate in my life and supersedes iPhones, TV shows, and social connectedness, then I'm doing alright. But it can't be something that I say is most important, it has to be evident in how I spend my time. The full quote that Jim Elliot wrote in his journal says "Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation that you believe to be the will of God."

Marvel

Marvel (verb)- to be filled with wonder, admiration, astonishment at something surprising or extraordinary

I saw Eat, Pray, Love tonight and a line from the movie says this: "I want to go some place where I can marvel at something." My immediate reaction to that statement was "ME TOO!" I love to travel, I love adventure and I love words like marvel. Words like that create some sort of intangible, elusive response which at the same time can describe a feeling perfectly, in a way that no other word can. (Proof: I just looked up about 10 words and synonyms on dictionary.com trying to create that type of response using the perfect words.)

So, that was my initial reaction. I want to go some place. Of course, in the movie she goes to Italy and India and Bali. What does that make you want to do? Go to these beautiful places and explore and taste the incredible food and the exotic culture of a different place that is foreign and exciting. If there's an initial reaction, then there must be a secondary reaction and my secondary reaction was this.

I do not have to "go some place" to marvel at something. Without even realizing it, I marvel at things, seemingly ordinary things ALL THE TIME. The most devastating instance of all is when I don't marvel, when I take things for granted because society tells me they are ordinary, when in reality they are very extraordinary.

I marvel at my newborn baby boy countless times a day. I feed him and I rock him and stare at him constantly and it doesn't get old or boring. To use the first word in the definition, I look at his face and his little hands and feet, his nose and his wide eyes and I am in absolute awe and wonder. I wonder how God could fill my heart with so much love for this little person. I wonder how it's possible that God loves him more than I do. I wonder how it's possible that there is room in my heart so that He increases my love for him daily. I wonder what he's going to be like when he gets older. I wonder what he's going to look like when he changes...tomorrow. I wonder how, overnight, Psalm 139 could become even more precious to me than it already was. I could go on forever, but I think you get the point.

After 'wonder', the definition says 'admiration'. This would be my husband. I truly marvel at the man my husband is. Sadly, I don't think he knows the deep admiration I have for him. He doesn't hear the prayers I pray for him or the thoughts of amazement I think when I consider all that he does and all that he is. The first thing I admire about him, and what initially attracted me to him, is his love for Jesus. He is a passionate person and this passion in him burns brighter and hotter no other time than when he is studying the Word, preaching or teaching it, talking about Jesus, praying or worshipping. I love watching him walk out his deep love for the Gospel in his desperate, God-given need to share it with others. I am also filled with 'admiration' and respect him as a husband. He is tender-hearted and humble, but he is a strong spiritual leader whose evident desire is to be a good husband and to lead our home in a God-glorifying way that makes much of Christ. I am truly moved by how blessed I feel to be married to a man who loves me the way he does. The third description of the word says to be filled with 'astonishment'. This makes me think of a childlike, wide-eyed expression on an innocent little face. I think we lose that as we grow up and it's tragic. When I'm in Colorado, I look at the majestic mountain ranges, the crystal-clear reflection in a lake and the peaceful streams flowing through the trees and cliffs surrounded by wildlife with this sense of astonishment. But I don't live in Colorado, so technically that would require "going some place". As hard as we think we have to look for it, God's magnificent creation is right here, too, wherever 'here' is. The sunsets, the thunderstorms, my flowers in the front yard, a butterfly...all creation worthy of being marveled at and astonished by.

So, in the end, it's wonderful to go places and have new and adventurous experiences. But it's also sad to miss out on the ones that are right in front of us. Essentially, I believe those are the ones to treasure because it will be all the more tragic if we don't realize what we had until the opportunity to enjoy it has passed.

Lessons Learned

Sleep evades me tonight. Brandon has been praying over me for supernatural rest and energy and I believe God is honoring that prayer as I have not been tired all day and am still unable to sleep. Another alternative is many things on my mind and burdens on my heart. I've learned a lot about myself just today. Three times in the past week as I've laid down and attempted to go to sleep, things have popped in my mind to write about and being the tired new mommy that I am, instead of getting up and making my way to the computer I grabbed my phone and typed out notes with key words and phrases, hoping that it would be enough to trigger the string of thoughts and I could record them in their entirety later on. Lesson #1: My brain does not function that way. Just now I deleted all 3 notes, realizing that the opportunity to write about those things has now passed.

I got home from coffee with some pretty great ladies, but I missed my husband and son terribly for the 2+ hours I was gone. I came home to find my husband somewhat down. If you don't know Brandon, this is not normal for him. He is this incredibly upbeat, positive, energetic guy who can always lift me up when I'm down. So, it's unusual and difficult to see him upset and not knowing why. I asked him about a million times if he was sure he didn't know what was wrong, if there was anything I could do, and gave him several suggestions as to what it might be hoping I could help him figure it out. Finally, I asked him if I was driving him crazy and needed to stop asking and he said that would be nice :) What I realized was how often, especially lately, I am down, don't know why, expect him to be able to fix it and then don't understand why it brings him down when I'm like that. Now I get it. Lesson #2: It is always possible to learn empathy and humility on a deeper level, and even though it is not easy it should always be welcomed.

As I was sharing stories with friends tonight and listening to theirs, we discussed a variety of topics. As we took turns talking, certain things would come up and I would share something when it was relative to what we were talking about, without actually considering what I was about to share before speaking. A couple of times the things I said were not necessarily inappropriate but were better to be kept to myself, since once I said it I realized that I didn't quite have permission to share those things from the other people they involved. Lesson #3: I have a big mouth and need to be slower to speak and many times keep my mouth shut altogether. The Lord and I are working on this one (and have been for quite some time).

I took my baby boy for a weight check at the doctor this morning and he has gained 5 ounces in the past 3 days. We have worked so hard, trying to feed him every 2 hours so he can grow and get stronger and healthier every day. I listened to a friend who was discouraged and gave of my time and energy even when I didn't have much of either to give. I took care of Calvin, feeding him and changing him, rocking him and staring at him. I made lists of things I need to do, errands I need to run and ways to possibly make life easier for my family. I kissed my husband when he got home from work and asked him about his day and listened to the answer. I offered a friend encouragement when she was having a rough day. Lesson #4: I am stronger than I give myself credit for, which is ok, because the credit and glory goes to God anyway. It is through Him that I am strengthened. It is always good to be reminded that He is the ultimate power source whose strength is always available to me in my weaknesses. (Phil. 4:13, 2 Cor. 12:10)

I am burdened and overwhelmed. That is why I couldn't sleep. But at the end of the day, God is still on His throne and I trust Him with all my heart, even when He literally has to give me the faith to trust Him because I cannot do it on my own. These earthly things that we worry about do matter, and because they matter to me, they matter to Him. However, in the big picture of eternity-when I am really putting things in perspective-all that matters is that He is good, He loves me and I don't at all deserve it, and He will never leave or forsake me (Heb. 13:5). These are His promises, this is His character and it does not and will not ever change (Num. 23:19). When I remember this, I have peace and nothing can take it away.

As I write, I am listening to a song that I have come to love by Ginny Owens called Say Amen. I heard it for the first time when I was at a conference in San Diego. Ginny sits at the piano, shares stories about why she wrote certain songs, and then plays and sings the most beautiful music. And she's blind. These are the lyrics (and here's a link to the story behind them: http://ginnyowens.com/100.html)

when the burdens of your life feel so heavy

and the shadows of your past won't let go

and the world around you seems to be so lonely

and you feel like there's no hope

say amen

'cause you cannot bear your cross alone

and you realize you're not on your own

and when all your pride is finally gone

say amen

when the only thing you have is faith

and know that every step you take

is leading you to His embrace

but when you know you're holding tighter to His hand

that's when you can say amen

now I've known many trials in my lifetime

and I've heard death knockin' at my door

but in my darkest hour of desperation

oh I call out to the One who calms the storm

and I say amen

'cause I cannot bear my cross alone

I realize I'm not on my own

and all my pride is finally gone

I say amen

and the only thing I have is faith

I know that every step I take

is leading me to His embrace

oh when I know I'm holding tighter to His hand

that's when I can say amen

so when your heart cries out for love

and when your soul is torn and bruised

just surrender to the One who was broken for you

If I Belittle. . .

This is from a devotional book for women entitled: a gentle spirit. I have gone through this book off and on for about 8 years now. It is an incredible book of devotions and daily wisdom for women written by some amazing women of faith. It always challenges me to look at myself and ask the hard questions, prod the painful and weak areas of my soul that need work. Maybe that's why it's been an "off and on" process for so many years now. It's not always easy or enjoyable, but it is definitely always needed. This is what I read from it tonight, by Amy Carmichael.

[Jesus said], Anyone who says [to his brother or sister], 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire. Matthew 5:22

If, in any way, I belittle those who I am called to serve. . .

if I talk of their weak points in contrast, perhaps, with what I think of as my stronger points. . .

if I adopt a superior attitude, forgetting to consider the wisdom of the voice that asks me, inwardly, "Who made you different from the one you are criticizing--and what do you have that you have not been given?"

if I can easily discuss the shortcomings of the sins of any man or woman. . .

if I can speak in an offhanded way, even of a child's wrongdoing...then I know nothing of Calvary love.

My Father, how often do my words "singe" someone else? (and how much time do I spend thinking critically about another--so that nothing but words that singe come out?) Today, Lord, work in me. Change the thought-life in me when I strip others of dignity. . .or reduce them point by point. . .in order to build myself up.

And give me your voice, to speak words of value. . . admiration. . . encouragement. . . compassion. . . true kindness.

Needless to say, after reading this I had to repent and examine my heart and my thoughts and words just from today.

Thoughts on Prayer

The Lord lays things on my heart when I'm lying in bed at night trying to go to sleep. When this happens, which is fairly rare, I know it's insight that He is providing and I know I should get out of bed and go write it down, but I also know that I would rather lay in bed and go to sleep. I can think of about 5 specific times over the past few years that this has happened and only once have I gotten up and started writing, which I believe in this situation, for me, is obedience. So, this sort of represents time number 2. Last night it happened, and I didn't exactly get out of bed but I grabbed my phone and typed it out there and am now transferring it here.

The Importance of Prayer

God knows what we need before we ask and even without our asking. So then the purpose of our asking is that we understand what we truly need and our need for Him to provide it. Prayer is for us and it deepens our understanding of God's character and discovering our roles in the kingdom for His glory.

Prayer also enables us to acknowledge His power and gives us the opportunity to ask for anything in His name (John 14:14) but then to ultimately submit to His will (Luke 22:42). Prayer is communication with our Father. Honest, open and frequent communication is the basic component of any relationship and what relationship is more important and more rewarding than the one we can have with our Creator who knows everything about us?