Lessons Learned

Sleep evades me tonight. Brandon has been praying over me for supernatural rest and energy and I believe God is honoring that prayer as I have not been tired all day and am still unable to sleep. Another alternative is many things on my mind and burdens on my heart. I've learned a lot about myself just today. Three times in the past week as I've laid down and attempted to go to sleep, things have popped in my mind to write about and being the tired new mommy that I am, instead of getting up and making my way to the computer I grabbed my phone and typed out notes with key words and phrases, hoping that it would be enough to trigger the string of thoughts and I could record them in their entirety later on. Lesson #1: My brain does not function that way. Just now I deleted all 3 notes, realizing that the opportunity to write about those things has now passed.

I got home from coffee with some pretty great ladies, but I missed my husband and son terribly for the 2+ hours I was gone. I came home to find my husband somewhat down. If you don't know Brandon, this is not normal for him. He is this incredibly upbeat, positive, energetic guy who can always lift me up when I'm down. So, it's unusual and difficult to see him upset and not knowing why. I asked him about a million times if he was sure he didn't know what was wrong, if there was anything I could do, and gave him several suggestions as to what it might be hoping I could help him figure it out. Finally, I asked him if I was driving him crazy and needed to stop asking and he said that would be nice :) What I realized was how often, especially lately, I am down, don't know why, expect him to be able to fix it and then don't understand why it brings him down when I'm like that. Now I get it. Lesson #2: It is always possible to learn empathy and humility on a deeper level, and even though it is not easy it should always be welcomed.

As I was sharing stories with friends tonight and listening to theirs, we discussed a variety of topics. As we took turns talking, certain things would come up and I would share something when it was relative to what we were talking about, without actually considering what I was about to share before speaking. A couple of times the things I said were not necessarily inappropriate but were better to be kept to myself, since once I said it I realized that I didn't quite have permission to share those things from the other people they involved. Lesson #3: I have a big mouth and need to be slower to speak and many times keep my mouth shut altogether. The Lord and I are working on this one (and have been for quite some time).

I took my baby boy for a weight check at the doctor this morning and he has gained 5 ounces in the past 3 days. We have worked so hard, trying to feed him every 2 hours so he can grow and get stronger and healthier every day. I listened to a friend who was discouraged and gave of my time and energy even when I didn't have much of either to give. I took care of Calvin, feeding him and changing him, rocking him and staring at him. I made lists of things I need to do, errands I need to run and ways to possibly make life easier for my family. I kissed my husband when he got home from work and asked him about his day and listened to the answer. I offered a friend encouragement when she was having a rough day. Lesson #4: I am stronger than I give myself credit for, which is ok, because the credit and glory goes to God anyway. It is through Him that I am strengthened. It is always good to be reminded that He is the ultimate power source whose strength is always available to me in my weaknesses. (Phil. 4:13, 2 Cor. 12:10)

I am burdened and overwhelmed. That is why I couldn't sleep. But at the end of the day, God is still on His throne and I trust Him with all my heart, even when He literally has to give me the faith to trust Him because I cannot do it on my own. These earthly things that we worry about do matter, and because they matter to me, they matter to Him. However, in the big picture of eternity-when I am really putting things in perspective-all that matters is that He is good, He loves me and I don't at all deserve it, and He will never leave or forsake me (Heb. 13:5). These are His promises, this is His character and it does not and will not ever change (Num. 23:19). When I remember this, I have peace and nothing can take it away.

As I write, I am listening to a song that I have come to love by Ginny Owens called Say Amen. I heard it for the first time when I was at a conference in San Diego. Ginny sits at the piano, shares stories about why she wrote certain songs, and then plays and sings the most beautiful music. And she's blind. These are the lyrics (and here's a link to the story behind them: http://ginnyowens.com/100.html)

when the burdens of your life feel so heavy

and the shadows of your past won't let go

and the world around you seems to be so lonely

and you feel like there's no hope

say amen

'cause you cannot bear your cross alone

and you realize you're not on your own

and when all your pride is finally gone

say amen

when the only thing you have is faith

and know that every step you take

is leading you to His embrace

but when you know you're holding tighter to His hand

that's when you can say amen

now I've known many trials in my lifetime

and I've heard death knockin' at my door

but in my darkest hour of desperation

oh I call out to the One who calms the storm

and I say amen

'cause I cannot bear my cross alone

I realize I'm not on my own

and all my pride is finally gone

I say amen

and the only thing I have is faith

I know that every step I take

is leading me to His embrace

oh when I know I'm holding tighter to His hand

that's when I can say amen

so when your heart cries out for love

and when your soul is torn and bruised

just surrender to the One who was broken for you