the pre-schooler in all of us

I watch my 3-year-old son and my 4-year-old nephew interact with my 10-month-old. They are so loving toward him and in awe of him. They fight over giving him hugs and kisses and giving him toys and food and other things he doesn't always need. It's usually really sweet. Until he interferes with their plans or their stuff, as babies tend to do. Then, they are ready for him to go. "Will you pick him up and take him away?", they'll ask. He is no longer welcome in their play area. Often I will see the older boys sit in front of him with a toy and start playing with it, within his reach. The next second they are whining to me that Luke is trying to get their toy. It's so logical to me that the wisdom of that move was absent when you brought the toy and put it right in front of him and then expected him to not reach for it.

Sometimes I get frustrated and cannot understand how it's possible that they don't see the cause and effect relationships at play here. Then, I begin to see how we, as adults, do many of the same things. Let's take change, for example. I tend to welcome change, but only when it's on my terms. I love to move furniture around, try a new restaurant, travel and try new things. I don't even need a rigid, structured schedule all the time. However, if there is a plan in place and someone attempts to change that plan, especially at the last minute, I am not a happy camper. I like follow through, I want people to do their part and I want to stick to the plan. I, I, I sound like a pre-schooler, as if the world revolves around me.

We say this a lot at our house. There are times when I need to say it to myself.

Another instance is the temptations I allow into my life. Just like the boys want to be close to Luke and play next to him, they really don't want to share with him or let him get too close. I do it with food. I sit by the bag of chips long enough to finish them, knowing I don't want the consequences of that but I just get too close and sit with the temptation. I do it with exercise by sitting down and getting involved in a project, TV show or book instead of intentionally putting on my running shoes. I do it with my quiet time, by keeping my priorities in close proximity to me. My phone, computer or the remote is most likely within arm's reach. My bible, however, is usually on the shelf and not the first thing I reach for.

So, when I am tempted to become frustrated with my 3-year-old because he doesn't 'get it', I am reminded that there are times that I don't either. Or I choose to ignore it. I remember that I sometimes pout when things don't go my way. I can be selfish and particular about details that aren't really important. I even mindlessly put things in front of me that I know aren't good for me and will not yield the results I want. It helps me to remember that I, like Calvin, still have a lot to learn about life: letting things go, treating people as more important than plans and being kind and generous is always a good idea.

Noise, Travel & A Quick Movie Review

Let's face it, I could probably write a book on noise and another one on travel, but for now, I will keep this brief, as it all relates to a movie I watched tonight.

Noise

We went swimming today at an indoor pool with a wooden ceiling. There were lots of kids there (including mine) and it was loud with echoes of splashing and laughing. For a few minutes, I floated on my back and stared at the wooden ceiling. You know that sound, or lack of it, that you hear when you are underwater? You can hear sounds and even understand what people are saying if they're loud enough. But it's muffled and really easy to tune out. It's nice and peaceful. It's easy to hear yourself think without the distraction of noise. I love this and I need more of it in my life. The ability to block out noise. Like Kevin Costner 'clears the mechanism' in For Love of the Game. My husband coached a basketball player who had a cochlear implant. When he was shooting free throws and the crowd tried to distract him, he would just reach up and click turn them off. I want to mute the world and listen to what's in my soul more often.

Travel

It's just good for the soul. At least, it is good for mine. I love to travel and I'm so grateful that I've had the opportunity to travel to a lot of places in my life. Not as many as some, but more than a lot ever get to do. I love adventure and culture. I love trying new foods and seeing new places. Meeting new people is one of the best things, to me, about traveling. And honestly, the people you meet on a conservative budget are usually a lot more interesting.

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

Wow. I have wanted to see this movie for a while. Long enough that I was afraid I would be disappointed when I finally watched it. Knowing that Brandon would be on several long flights and this was one of the movies he would probably watch without me (because we hardly ever watch movies together) is what prompted me to watch it. So good.

I don't do the best movie reviews, because there are few movies that I watch and don't like. This one has some really great and inspiring quotes. It's simply creative, touching and the story is beautiful. There are multiple themes that can be extracted, based on the watcher's perspective. I think it's rare to find a movie that is so versatile. The music is also incredible.

My personal favorites: I connected to this film, because it's about Life which was a photojournalism magazine, and when I was younger I wanted to be a photojournalist. I still love taking photographs (which I hardly ever do anymore) and writing (which I'm finally doing more!) My favorite scene was when Walter was longboarding down a winding road in beautiful Iceland. It reminded me of living in Tongyeong, South Korea and going with friends to ride our motor scooters around the island. Exploring an exquisite foreign place, while connecting with the beauty of nature surrounding us and just taking it all in. It's been 8 years and I can still vividly remember the feeling.

To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, draw closer, to find each other, and to feel. That is the purpose of life.

Beautiful things don't ask for attention. 

The "P" Word

I am incredibly impatient. If you know me, and you're thinking "No, you're not", let me just set the record straight. I'm more impatient than most and better at hiding it than most. The majority of the time I feel the need to hide my impatience, because I know it's unreasonable. I know it doesn't help things move more quickly. Most of all, I'm embarrassed that I can be so impatient about such small matters.

With the title of this blog being therapy, let's talk acronyms. I believe that I have a unique combination of OCD and ADD, self-diagnosed of course. The version of OCD I experience requires me to be confident that I can finish something until completion before I am able to start it. If I don't think I'll be able to finish the task, I don't bother starting it. This doesn't work out well with having young children, just sayin'. The strain of ADD I think I have relates more to impatience with matters outside my control. If something is not getting done in the time frame (or the way) I think it needs to be done, then I lose interest and move on. I can share three words and tell you more about myself than you need to know: I'm a planner. When things don't go according to plan, *sigh*. When there's not a plan to begin with, well then nobody asked me to make one, because I would have.

Patience is a virtue, and it's one I believe is worthy of pursuit. God's Word itself tells us that it is a fruit of the Spirit. I know, from experience, that when I am intentional about chasing after patience, God honors that and provides it beyond what I could ever conjure up on my own. How is it that something like patience, which has this connotation of being slow, peaceful and easy, be so elusive? So difficult to attain? I suppose it takes time to acquire, which takes...you guessed it...patience.

My almost 4-year-old, when asked what it means to be patient, will obediently quote "Patience is waiting with a happy heart." I'm fairly certain he still doesn't grasp the meaning. But I'm 31 and don't always get it either.

Since this isn't a state of mind I'm frequently familiar with, there are some aspects of it that escape me. For one, I wonder if you can ever possibly get to a point where you will respond to a stressful situation with immediate, instinctive patience. Or, will there always be at least a split second temptation to react out of habit rather than thoughtfully respond? If there are situations that simply don't bother you as much, so you have a larger capacity of tolerance for it, does that count as patience? Since Love is patient, when I speak, act or even think out of a place of impatience toward those I love, am I being unloving? (Don't answer that.)

In Evan Almighty 'God' (Morgan Freeman) tells 'Joan Baxter' (Lauren Graham) "Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient?" Be careful what you pray for.

The Dandelion Deception

Last week we were pulling dandelions from the back yard. And by 'we', I mean my husband, brother and sister-in-law were pulling dandelions while I was trying to keep my 9-month-old from eating dandelions, grass, bugs, etc. There were SO many. Shauna used a handy tool that digs into the ground around the weed and pulls it out, root and all. Josh and Brandon used screwdrivers to dig them out where the tool couldn't get to them. It seems like every time we look outside, especially with the recent rain, more dandelions. Apart from a cute gesture from a child bringing you a weed that looks like a flower, most of us just see them as annoying. However, if we look closely, maybe we can see some spiritual truths.

My beautiful, intelligent sister (in-law) called me today to share some insights she had while running this morning. Insights from dandelions. Hopefully, I can do her great thoughts and ideas justice.

Dandelions can be deceiving, especially to children or those who are not familiar with them. If the root is deep enough and the plant healthy, it will produce a yellow flower. Because these are abundant in many places, it's common for kids to pick them and present them to teachers, moms and friends with a proud smile. The cheery yellow color disguises it in their eyes as a pretty flower, rather than a persistent weed.

In the same way, sin can be deceiving, just as someone who is struggling with sin can disguise themselves as being fine. Sin can look good on the outside, even enticing and seem harmless. A person can hide certain types of sin, at least for a while, and pretend that everything is ok. Those who are mature in Christ and have a more objective perspective of the situation can see sin for what it is, no matter how it appears. That is why it is so important to have people in our lives who can help us see what we are missing. Otherwise, the roots will grow deep, remain healthy and spread to other areas, poisoning and eliminating the good.

Isn't it interesting that dandelions require the same care that other, more desirable plants need? Sunlight and water. So, if I want to water my yard, but there are dandelions that I don't want, there is only one way to accomplish it. I must remove the dandelions completely. It is the same with sin in our lives. If we are nurturing ourselves, along with the sin, then it will continue to grow. It is imperative that the sin, all the way to the root, is extinguished before we can effectively cultivate the other areas in which we desire growth and development.

Shallow & Deep Roots 

If a dandelion has shallow roots, it may not flower, thus making it harder to identify it for what it is. It is still a weed and still has the ability to spread and infiltrate places where it is unwanted. So, it is with sin. Small sin is still sin, and gone unchecked, it has the capacity to grow. Some might even say that shallow roots and small sin are even more dangerous in some ways, because they don't seem as threatening and are most likely ignored with justification or misidentification.

If a dandelion has deep roots, it can be difficult to extract. Deep roots tend to be thicker, stronger and wrapped around everything within reach. And the reach continually extends farther and farther. With 'big' sin, rebellion against God that consumes us, there is no misidentifying it. There is no excuse. It has become powerful, and in turn made us feel powerless over it. It has wrapped itself around our minds, our motives and our emotions. The deep roots of sin are manipulative and very unforgiving. Removing these types of roots is a process that takes time, persistence and usually a lot of pain. It is necessary that the sin be removed, however difficult, or the result will be the sin becoming ultimate and all other thoughts, words, actions and decisions will be made by it.

In order for us to prevent dandelions invading the green pastures of our hearts, there are some really simple steps we can take.

Awareness
We must be aware and constantly look for them, so they can be identified and removed quickly before the roots get too deep.

Accountability
We must ask those around us whom we trust to look for them, too, so they can help us see the ones that try to hide that we may miss. Then, they can provide accountability, so we don't get lazy about pulling weeds.

Application
Always, we must be in the Word and take time to bask in the presence of the Savior, our true source of life. Then, we will be able to see weeds for what they are and choose the flowers of true beauty instead.

Some Favorites

I'm so grateful, because as I write about some of my favorite things in life, I can also say that I've gotten to experience all of these today. So rare! Or maybe it's just rare that I acknowledge the everyday blessings. Anyway, here is my list of some favorites.

• Thunderstorms. Sound, sight, smell, life-giving moisture. Love.
• Seeing one of my children experience a victory over an obstacle or a milestone. Calvin has been terrified of swimming. He has flotation devices which make him perfectly safe, but he always hangs on to someone's neck for dear life and won't let go. Today, he just starts jumping off the step into the pool, going all the way under the water and loves it!
• I have to go back to the first one, because massive lightning just lit up the entire sky in front of me; the thunder was so loud that it shook the house. Incredible. (I also had to go check in my 3-year-old who I just put to bed to make sure he wasn't traumatized by the storm.)
• I also have to add to this list a slew of things I like to do during a thunderstorm: drink a hot beverage, get under a blanket, read a good book, write a blog, watch a basketball game on TV or a good movie with my sweetie, listen to the rain, play games with family, order pizza, take a bubble bath, stay inside (or on the porch) and NOT drive in the rain, ever. (I have a lot to do when there's a thunderstorm...too bad they don't occur more frequently.)
• Spend time with friends and family. Yes, my love language is quality time.
• Watching a sporting event when I can't decide who I want to win, because I love both teams so much. It's so much better than being indifferent because I don't like either team or watching a game I don't care about. I love the Spurs and always have, but now I am also a Kevin Durant fan. Who to cheer for?!
• Good food that reminds me of my childhood. My dinner consisted of chicken fried steak, macaroni and cheese and fried okra. Delish.
• Peace that surpasses understanding, logic and anything outside of direct provision from God.

Life is good.

Still Alice: A Book Review

Still Alice by Lisa Genova was on a list of books to read that I pinned on Pinterest. I finished reading it last night, and I was intrigued, inspired and enlightened as I walked through this story. The book's main character is 50-year-old Alice, who is diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's Disease. She is a distinguished tenure professor at Harvard, whose area of expertise is cognitive psychology and linguistics. This detail is fascinating to me, and has a definite effect on how the plot unfolds. Her husband and three grown children experience this journey with her. The story is filled with moments of every emotion across the spectrum, including intense anger, doubt and disbelief, humor and lightheartedness, sadness and loss, and great love.

One of my favorite things about the book is the perspective in which it's written. It allows the reader to get a glimpse into aspects of what life is like for those who develop Alzheimer's symptoms. It creates a deeper understanding of what it's like for family and caregivers, as well as victims of this atrocious disease, to go through these grief stages of acceptance, preparation and difficult decisions.

There are very unique relationships that are explored, which is always a huge draw for me to get involved in a story. The relationship between husband and wife and how they respond to this life-changing news. I went back and forth between hating and loving John, Alice's husband, as he did his best to process the diagnosis and responded with love and logic, alternately. The bond between mother and daughter and restoring a broken relationship before it's too late. It's definitely my favorite meta-narrative in the book...the story of Alice and Lydia, her youngest. The relationship among siblings who have love, respect and admiration for their mother and a newfound fear of losing her.

It's a beautiful story, and I highly recommend it to you. If you know someone who has or had Alzheimer's, it offers a sense of comfort to better comprehend what they go through. My sweet grandfather, Pa, had Alzheimer's and it helped me to remember him, not with the disease but with the integrity of who he was and all of the wonderful things he accomplished in his life. It's like soothing balm to my soul.

Another reason to read it is for the movie, which is set to be released sometime in 2015...you know, if you like to do the read the book, see the movie thing. I do like it a lot, just ask my husband. It also seems to be casted really well, in my humble opinion, after reading the book and meeting the characters.

My only warning to you is this. It's possible that, while you are reading this book, you may begin to feel at times like you are experiencing some of the symptoms of dementia. This especially applies to those who are really busy and spread thin, moms of young children, forgetful by nature or directionally challenged. I am all of these...so I really took notice of my 'dementia symptoms' while reading Alice's story. Maybe it's just me.

I hope you will read it. It's a quick read if you enjoy books. I would love to hear what you think if you've read it or if you decide to read it in the future.

“The mother in her believed that the love she had for her daughter was safe from the mayhem of her mind, because it lived in her heart.”  -Lisa Genova (author)

Don't growl in the house...

It's amazing...the things that you say, as a parent, that you never really imagined yourself saying. We are living with my brother, sister-in-law and 4-year-old nephew right now. Sometimes we will be having a conversation and just stop for a minute to think about what we're saying. It either sounds crazy or somehow doesn't make sense.

Here are some recent ones that come to mind:

"Why are you peeing on the floor right in front of the toilet?" (yeah, just happened tonight. and there's no stopping it once it starts.)
"Thank you so much for telling me you need to go poop in the potty during dinner!" (sincere.)
"Growling is for outside, not in the house." (cort and calvin make horribly loud and annoying growling noises, pretending to be who knows what animals, monsters, etc. it gets old fast.)

Then, there are the things you say that remind you of your own parent. *Gasp* Even though it's perfectly logical that we would use the same phrases that we heard growing up, we are somehow surprised and disgusted that we sound like our parents did.

I guarantee you, Joel and Jonathan, when you have children of your own (which better be in a million years), you will tell them to "make wise choices" and "live for the glory".

I tell Calvin "Don't be ugly". Even as I type it, I'm laughing, because he can't help how he looks. Of course, that phrase when I was a child was always in reference to having ugly behavior or an ugly attitude. That's not how it sounds, though. I probably say something to this effect to my 3-year-old every day.

When I lived in South Korea and taught, I got to teach with some awesome foreigners from all over the world. One day, we were in between classes and sitting at our desks (where the adorable Korean children constantly came to talk to us). One of the little girls was putting on quite a show. When she left, I looked at my co-worker, Ita, and said "She's such a ham!" Ita, who is from Ireland, gave me a funny look. Not too much time went by and I said to Ita, indicating another student "He's such a turkey!" This time, she said "Why do Americans refer to kids as odd animals or lunch meats?" Try explaining those expressions!

I think one of my favorite things about being a mom is watching the moms in my life with their grandchildren. I love listening to my mom sing songs to Calvin and Luke...some she sang to me when I was little and some she didn't. I love watching my mom-in-law play with my boys and joke around with them. I think it's beautiful, because it is relaxed and the agenda is fun, period. Our parents couldn't completely relax with us, because they had an important responsibility and a job to do, and thankfully, they took that seriously. Now they still want to point their grandchildren in the right direction, validate them and protect them, but they get to enjoy their time with them a bit more because the ultimate burden does not fall on their shoulders.

Nonny & Calvin were hunting sharks with balloons in their safari hats and nerd glasses. I hope I'm a fun grandma like Nonny someday.

I wonder if, as parents, we intentionally took time to really just have fun with our kids, what difference-if any-it would make? If I took time to pretend and make-believe more often, would it teach Calvin that it's ok to have a big imagination? If I took time to make a really big mess with them, and not only refrain from saying anything about it, but not even allow myself to think about how long it might take to clean it up, would it teach them that time together is more important than keeping things clean and orderly? If I more often made spontaneous plans to go do something fun and different, as a treat, without feeling the need to thoroughly plan and prepare for every activity, would it teach them to live for the moment and to delight in the unexpected? If I didn't put pressure on myself to make the best and correct decision every single time when it came to my kids, would I be a better parent, free from the chains of perfection? I probably would be more relaxed, more pleasant to be around and healthier overall. We can't let grandparents have all the fun, right?

Love & Laundry

Following our beautiful wedding on a crisp November day in 2008, we went to Rome for our honeymoon. Our timeline for dating, engagement and marriage was fairly brief, compared to some, so we hadn't had a real fight yet. Brandon remembers our first year of marriage being very difficult with lots of 'discussions', as he likes to call them. Either he is the groom of gloom or I remember it with rose-colored glasses. In any case, we agree that our first disagreement took place on the first day of our honeymoon.

We were getting ready to go see the sights in beautiful Italy, and I had a beautiful trousseau from which to select my outfit. It included a lovely bag (which a classy-looking lady at the Coliseum complimented me on) and a really great pair of boots. Naturally, I wanted to look fabulous for our first day in Rome, so I chose a denim skirt, a sweater and scarf and my boots. Brandon, sporting his jeans and long-sleeved Under Armor t-shirt (I'm sure) asks me, "Are you going to wear those?" indicating my tall boots with relatively tall heels. I gave him a look, daring him to challenge me on this and simply said "Yes." End of conversation.

We spent a wonderful morning drinking cappuccino and then exploring Vatican City. For those of you who don't know, Brandon is a history buff, and he soaks in every detail of every museum. He's the guy who gets the tour headphones and just gets lost in it all. We are very different. So, we get to St. Peter's Basilica and he is walking around with his headphones, looking at dead popes while I am very discreetly limping behind him. My feet hurt and I'm ready to go back to the hotel, but I will not give him the satisfaction of knowing he was right. We go out to get a slice of pizza and SIT in St. Peter's square by the fountain. I don't want to finish eating ever, because that would mean I have to get up and walk some more. He now knows that I'm hurting a little, but being the sweet new husband he is, he doesn't say a word.

Next, we make our way to the Sistine Chapel. It's not just a place that you walk into but instead at the END of a series of rooms in the Vatican Museum that seems to go on for miles. By the time we get to the Sistine Chapel, my boots are in my very cute purse and I'm in my socks. I just pretend it's out of reverence. Then, it's time to go back outside and I have to painfully wiggle my aching feet back into the dreadful boots without crying. It's dusk and we have spent the entire day at Vatican City, so it's time to go back to the hotel. We get to the subway and we walk for at least 45 minutes, only to discover that we've been going in the wrong direction. I casually suggest "Why don't we just get a taxi?" Brandon laughs. Wrong move. We don't get a taxi. We don't talk for quite a while. Then, my feet eventually recuperate and we are over it. Brandon loves to tell this story, so there it is...you all know it. Now, it will not be necessary for him to ever tell it again.

Our next 'fight' happened when we got home from Rome. This is truly the epitome of newlywed moments for those who didn't live together first. It's our first time to share a home and we get home at night, jet-lagged. Brandon fully intends to return to work the next morning. He listens to music as he goes to sleep. He doesn't eat breakfast (which nullified the wonderful breakfast I cooked for him). I can adjust to all of that, and I know there will be more to come. Then, something happens that I don't know how to handle. He goes to work, so I go to my volunteer shift and return home to find that he has done all of his laundry. Only his. I was crushed. It isn't because I wanted to do his laundry or even because I wanted him to do mine. It was because we were now a married couple so shouldn't we combine our laundry like we had just combined our lives? He didn't know how to react to my reaction and probably thought he had just married a crazy person. In the end, it worked out. :) He was trying to be thoughtful and get his done (without attempting to do mine and ruining my trousseau) so I could do mine. 

Along with the things that we've both adjusted to over the past five years, there have been some wonderful discoveries, too. One is that he actually enjoys doing laundry, specifically folding it. He finds it therapeutic. It's also a great excuse for him to watch sports all day long while he 'does laundry'. He also likes doing the dishes and keeping the kitchen clean. Ok, that's a lie. He can't stand for there to be dishes in the sink or clutter on the counter. So, if I just leave it, he does it. Dream husband. Sorry, girls, he's taken!

There is so much more I could get into on the subject of love and marriage, and I'm sure I will. This is one of my favorite specialties in counseling. The difficulty in attempting to just be 'wife' in my marriage and not 'counselor', 'mommy' or any of the other hats I wear, is a task in itself. Then, there are the times Brandon accuses me of using my 'counseling voodoo' on him (just because he knows I'm right). For now, I just think it's important in marriage, as in any area of life, to remember where we've been, what we've overcome because it helps us to know where we are and where we are going. Bobby Sanders, our interim pastor at church, said it well on Mother's Day: Taking time to reflect and evaluate how you're doing is a gift to your spouse.

My Hometown-The Simple Life

As I ran two miles this morning, making a loop through my hometown, I also took a journey down memory lane. Brandon is a city boy and he likes to visit Gruver, but he would not, could not live there...or anywhere small. (This is why we had no choice except to walk out to Journey: Don't Stop Believin' at our wedding-smalltown girl & city boy.) However, when Give Me Back My Hometown by Eric Church comes on the radio, he wishes for that few minutes that he grew up in a small town like Gruver.

I ran past the new baseball and softball fields, and even though they look pretty different from when I was a kid, that's where I played t-ball and ate snow cones during the summer. I ran by several houses that were my childhood best friends' homes and thought about how long ago it was that we rode our bikes all over town. I saw the old yellow building that is the elementary gym, but my junior year it was transformed for one night into Paris for prom. The summer after my senior year, I actually went to Paris (and Scotland and England) and I went by the lady's house who took us there. She was also my pastor's wife, English teacher, UIL spelling coach and friend. I saw the football stadium where I was a kid playing under the bleachers, then a cheerleader on the track and eventually an alumni at homecoming for my 10 year reunion. I ran past the (now old) varsity gym where I played basketball my whole life. The buildings where I went to school and where my parents taught and impacted lives for so many years. The junior high where we would go to the basement late at night when there were tornadoes.

Brandon always marvels at all of the Gruver connections we meet. It doesn't matter if we are out of state or even out of the country; we will most likely meet someone who knows someone from Gruver. It never ceases to amaze him, but at least now he usually expects it to happen. I think I know why it doesn't surprise me. Mrs. Renner was our junior high librarian and reading teacher. One time she said that Gruver is small, but people from all over the world have some kind of connection with Gruver because the people are so friendly. I think that's probably true.

I went past many other places that hold a special place in my heart. First Baptist Church is where I went to church, helped with VBS and left from the parking lot every summer from the time I was in 7th grade to drive to Glorieta, New Mexico for Centrifuge camp. It's where my parents were married and where Pa used to lead the singing on Sunday mornings. It's where I was baptized and where I went to children's choir, GA's, mission friends, youth, etc. etc. etc. It was the only place I wanted to be on my wedding day in November 2008. There was one period of time when I went to UMY at the Methodist Church with a friend. I even had a solo in one of the programs, but I was sick on the night of the performance and didn't get to go. A Baptist girl singing in the Methodist church...scandalous, I know.

Then, there is the city park. There used to be tennis courts there, and I would go play while my parents played tennis with friends. Now they are sand volleyball courts where we have the Fourth of July sand volleyball tournament. The swimming pool that my dad managed every summer when I was a kid. The one where we scaled the fence one night for a late-night swim...we were 8th graders hanging out with seniors and they were so cool. The park benches I painted as part of my community service for a speeding ticket when I was 16.

So many memories. It seems so much easier to live simply here. I know, as well as anyone, it isn't perfect and life is free from complications nowhere. With less distractions and more community, it is harder to get bogged down and consumed with things that don't matter. The truth is that we can choose to live simply no matter where we are. It does not depend on our surroundings but on our choices. My family has been required to live a simpler life for the past six months, but my sincerest desire is that it sticks. I hope to never get so comfortable in life, accommodated by modern convenience, that I believe there are things I can't live without, when in reality, my life would be enriched in their absence.

I love this place. I love coming back home to relax and reminisce. I love revisiting an old memory, or several, prompted by a familiar sight, sound or smell. I am so thankful that I had the awesome privilege to grow up here, and there is no one I know who would say anything different about Gruver.

London is so lucky...

This morning I overheard my mom tell someone that I was dreading Brandon going out of town, naturally. My immediate thought was "No, I'm not. I'm fine." Then the rest of my day happened.

1. We went on a breakfast date, just my husband and me, to the Omelette Parlor. It was delicious and fun and we had great conversation. I just kept tearing up through the entire meal and trying so hard not to cry. Wow, emotions out of nowhere!

2. I kept trying to pick little fights with him all morning. I wasn't intentionally doing it, but when I think about it now, it makes a lot of sense. It's harder to miss someone when you're mad at them.

3. As I was driving him to the airport, I was very quiet (which is not really like me). I knew he would think something was wrong or I was mad. Then, I began to see with clarity how, by giving into selfishness and self-pity, I could actually make him feel guilty about going, deflate his excitement and ruin the day he'd been looking forward to for months. This is not how this was supposed to go.

So, I made an effort to pull myself together, say a sincere goodbye and be joyful for my husband. We talked on the phone four times before he got on his overseas flight, and every time I told him how much I missed him and loved him. Sometimes it's the simplest ways that the enemy attempts to use us for one another's discouragement, rather than what God intends to be an opportunity for a holy experience. In the end, I'm grateful that I'm sad the hubs is going away. If it didn't bother me, that's when I would really be worried...

You know the episode of Friends when Chandler and Ross are SO excited that Gandalf is coming to town? Then, he gets stuck in Chicago and they say "Man, Chicago is so lucky." At about 3:30 tomorrow morning, London will be so lucky, because Brandon will be there. Then, Johannesburg-Livingstone-New Day Orphanage. Then, in 12 days, Colorado Springs and my boys and I will be the lucky ones because our Knight in Shining Armor will be home. Can't wait.

No Risk, No Reward

"A ship is always safe at the shore-but that is NOT what it is built for."

― Albert Einstein

I took a couple of risks today. I went to get a pedicure with mom and chose dark brown polish for my color. I debated on a color for at least five minutes. I love neutral colors and my husband complains that I have no color in my wardrobe. But I had never tried neutral for my toenails. It was a big decision. What if it looked awful? I went for it and love it! I was playing a card game with my family tonight called Deuce Deuce. I chose to keep four 9s, which is quite risky. It paid off and I didn't get stuck with points. I realize these are small risks, especially in the scheme of things, like real life.

I love the idea of being a risk-taker, and in some situations, I'm even the one who does it. I have bungee-jumped, scuba-dived, moved overseas alone, sat on an alligator's back, eaten various types of animals, uncommon to the American diet (I won't upset you with specifics or details), gone boogie-boarding in hurricane-like weather, started a business...the list goes on and on. I have taken some risks in my life. I also tend to avoid risks daily. Not the risks you think of as 'big' but the day-to-day opportunities that truly could prove to be life-changing if I would be willing to step outside my norm just a little.

Here's a recent example. Last night Brandon and I were hanging out at Pikes Perk coffee shop. When I was in the restroom, I could hear someone else in there who sounded like she was crying. When we were washing our hands, it was evident she had been upset but was trying to pull herself together. I offered her a paper towel, she accepted it and then she walked out the door and left the shop. It was one of those moments where you feel like you should say something and you want to, but it's just too uncomfortable. I am still thinking about it, so I obviously regret not asking her if she was ok or if she needed to talk. Yes, she was a complete stranger, and no, I do not normally do things like that. That's kind of the point. What if I could have offered some comfort or encouragement or just a listening ear?I am a counselor, so I guess I should be inclined to offer help in a situation like that. I have always wanted to be one of those people who could just talk to a complete stranger and carry on a conversation with anyone, unafraid. The risk? They reject my offer to help, think I'm crazy, or just ignore me. I don't know if I even consider any of those things legitimately risky. So what's my excuse? I'm not sure.

When I think about the chances I've taken, I don't remember a single thing that I wish I wouldn't have done. However, I can recall things I didn't do and wonder what might have happened if I took the risk. Most of the things I regret not doing aren't big...a conversation, a trip, an opportunity to put myself out there and really see what I could accomplish. And honestly, the outcome if I had done things differently would most likely not be life-altering. The aspect that is most difficult to live with is that I'll never know.

Putting these things in writing and then sharing it with the world is a risk and, in a way, causes me to challenge myself to take more everyday risks, rather than being afraid of failing, hurt pride or doing things differently. I do know that when I hear about risks others took, or I read quotes about taking a leap of faith, it inspires me. It stirs up passion inside of me. When something affects me in that way, I want to grab it and hang on with everything I have.

"When you take risks you learn that there will be times when you succeed and there will be times when you fail, and both are equally important." -Ellen DeGeneres

Conclusions? I'm going to take more risks, trust my instincts and talk to someone I don't know everyday. I want to hear people's stories, learn what makes them unique or what we may have in common. I want to meet people from all walks of life and take the time to hear what they have to say, because I believe that everyone has something to offer that no one else can. I am going to be intentional about being uncomfortable for the sake of learning more about others and about myself. I can't wait to see what happens.

Like Einstein's quote above says, I was made for something more than to stay safely at the shore. Like my dear friend Gabriel tweeted recently- Tired of living average. Ready to embrace greatness. My easily distracted mind says no. My spirit and heart say there is more to this life.

The Desert in the Colorado Rockies

Photo Credit: Wellington Street Pentecostal Church

Deserts and mountains are different climates and different land formations. They really don't have much of anything in common. One is rocky, sometimes green with lots of trees, wildlife and water runoff from the glorious snow on the peaks. It has temperatures ranging from well below freezing (and apparently blizzards in May) to really warm. The other is sand. Lots and lots of sand. Hot and dry with extremely limited vegetation and life, because life of all kinds usually requires water to be healthy and sustained. So how could a desert be found 'in' the mountains? When the desert is figurative, referring to a season of life and the mountains are literal. 

Photo Credit: Outward Bound

A Recap

My husband, Brandon, was a lead pastor in Lubbock, Texas. That's what he was doing when we met, dated, got engaged and married. That's what he kept doing up until November 2013. In January, we knew God was beginning to move our hearts and beginning to prepare us to leave Lubbock. We began to pray for direction, guidance and courage to be obedient. Long story short, we prepared to put our house on the market, and it sold for cash before it was officially listed. It was decided for us, by this, that we would be moving sooner than we planned. Due to the lack of job offers flooding in, we went to a safe haven where there was an opportunity. An opportunity to rest, pray and wait for God to show us what was next. My gracious brother and sister-in-law invited us to come to Colorado Springs and live with them as long as we needed. They have a full basement, complete with a kitchen, bathroom, bedroom and living area. They offered it to us, and we gratefully accepted and have been living here since the week of Thanksgiving. To share with you the lessons we have learned from this experience of living in the basement with our family of four and most of our stuff in storage will take a whole separate blog and maybe even a book. I'm contemplating writing it someday: Lessons from the Basement or The Family Under the Stairs. Haha. Who knows?

An Update
I say all of that to tell you this: We have been in a desert season in Colorado for almost 6 months now.  That statement has such a negative connotation, but it isn't meant to elicit pity or sorrow. While we have been surrounded by the beauty of this place, we have definitely experienced just as many, if not more, figurative mountaintops as valleys.

It has been a desert season because there hasn't been clarity, direction or certainty about anything. There hasn't been career opportunities or affirmation in a job search. Many times there hasn't been confidence in our decision to come here. There has been doubt and instability. There have been challenges with our two young children...normal challenges...that seem insurmountable some days. There has been A LOT of togetherness for our family. We are together, for the most part, all day every day. This could be listed under both the mountaintop and valley, the fresh springs of life and the desert. It just depends not the day...or the hour.

On the other hand, there has been endless provision for opportunity. It hasn't been where we have looked all the time. While we were focused on opportunities for jobs, God has been preparing us for what He has for us next. While we were focused on giving stability to our family (and let's face it, our consciences), God has been providing an opportunity for us to truly build an unshakable foundation of faith, trust and courage...not just within our marriage, not just within our family of four, not even just within the seven of us who live under the same roof, but with the extended family with whom our relationships have been enriched by this move. With our friends, old and new, who we miss and by whom we have been incredibly blessed to get to know.

My husband has referred to this time as a 'forced sabbatical' that neither of us really wanted or asked for but that God knew we needed. He still knows more than we do about what's next and the ways He needs to shape us and prepare us for what is in store. All I know is that if it takes this long to get us ready, it's going to be good.

We have taken up running, which has been awesome! (Refer to previous Running Chronicles blog posts for that journey.) We are still running, for those of you who are wondering. We read more, write more, communicate better. We have been given the amazing gift of time to be together, grow together and simply focus on diving into our passions, God's Word, our relationships with Him and with each other. Rarely does anyone get this chance. So, while there are days that I just want to be done with this season, with the basement and with growth that is painful and requires patience I don't believe I have, I have an even bigger potential dilemma. A dilemma that not only keeps me going, but it causes me to dig in and strive to push myself to really make the most of this time, even on the tough days. It's the looming possibility that I will look back at this time and have regret. I don't want to look back and see missed opportunities because of my impatience to move on to the next thing. I never want to get where we are headed and reflect only to see that I wasted any part of this time...or even question if I might have spent it better.

So, six months later, we are still praying and seeking God to show us what's next. The only thing that has changed is our perspective. God has transformed our thinking about the whole situation, about our lives, into something that truly enables us to see the bigger picture. There are some promising opportunities now, and we still don't know where they will lead. We can wake up to each new day, though, with confidence that wherever we go, God is with us and His purpose is ultimate. It is for our good and His glory. That's all we need to know.

Photo Credit: Eric Valentine's Praise Photography Blog

The above lyrics are from a great hymn from John Newton that I recently discovered. Click here to see the rest of the lyrics.


Brandon is leaving Friday to go to New Day Orphanage in Zambia with a group from Fellowship Church Lubbock. Please pray for them. The boys and I will spend that time in Texas with family.

Questions 3-year-olds ask

As I was tucking Calvin in last night, we sang 'the candle song' which he always requests (take your candle, run to the darkness, seek out the hopeless, confused and torn. carry your candle for all to see. take your candle and go light your world) Those are the only words we sing because they're the only ones I know. Then, I prayed. This was our conversation after I finished praying...

C: Mommy, is it snowing at Jesus's house? (It's been snowing all day here.)
Me: I don't know if it's snowing in Heaven, sweetie.
C: Is that where Jesus and God live?
Me: Yes.
C: But I don't see God.
Me: We will see Him someday when we go to Heaven.
C: Why not 10 days?
Me: Well, we have to die to go to Heaven, and we will live on Earth until then.
C: Why do we have to live on Earth?
Me: God has put us here to live and tell people about Jesus until He calls us home to Heaven. Heaven is our real home.
C: Will you sleep with me? I'm scary. (He means 'scared'.)

Calvin asks "Why?" about 1,500 times a day. He asks so many questions that he doesn't listen for the answer to and doesn't really want to know. He just likes to talk. It gets really frustrating sometimes and so many times I just want to ignore him or tell him to never ask why again. However, when he asks me questions about Jesus, I just soak it in and I want him to ask more. If he really wanted to stall at bedtime, which he always does, he should just ask a million questions about Jesus and I would stay with him and talk to him about it all night long. I love that he's interested and so much of the time I see that the wheels are turning, but every once in a while I get a glimpse into his thoughts, and it is a precious gift.

This video is old but good. Click Here to see a younger version of Calvin as he is first discovering who Jesus is.

Mother's Day

Happy Mom's Day!

My beautiful mom is my biggest supporter and encourager, my inspiration and my best friend. I am so blessed and so thankful to have such an exquisite example of a Proverbs 31 woman. She listens when I need to talk. She offers advice and wisdom all the times that I so desperately need it. She reminds me of God's infinite love for me and His wonderful plan for my life. She tells me that I am a good wife and a good mom when I feel inadequate. I do not deserve her, but am grateful that God chose her to be my mom.

I am equally honored to be called "Mommy" by these two precious boys. (Of course, Luke can't say it yet. I thought maybe that would be his gift to me today!) I am amazed by these two many moments each and every day. 

Calvin is loving and sincere, always concerned about others. He is affectionate and loves to snuggle, read books and tell his family how much he loves us. He is adventurous but cautious and does things on his own terms and in his own time. He is reserved and observant much of the time, but he also loves to sing, dance, jump on the trampoline and play any and every sport.

Luke's personality is beginning to show, and he is going to be a beautiful mess! He is fearless and loud. He is a baby of extremes, like his daddy. He gets really happy and excited, really mad and cranky and really sad. He is on the move all the time. He does everything with all that he has...he plays hard, sleeps hard and loves with all his might. 

I will forever be thankful for the gift God has given me in these two precious sons.

And then there's this wonderful, amazing man. He got up at 5am this morning to get me beautiful flowers and a precious card that brought tears to my eyes, before I even woke up. We talked about a family and children and dreamed about what our family would be before we were married. Because of him, I get to be a mom and I get to parent with an awesome daddy. I could never dream up someone that I would rather do life with. I love the adventures we have had and look forward to what God has in store. 

Today on Mother's Day, and every day, my heart is full.

Baby *Food* Making

As I laid in bed, I knew that it was long overdue and it was time to do it. I have an obligation and responsibility, and whether I'm in the mood or not, this is something that has to be taken care of now. If I don't, then I will have one really unhappy man in my life. Little man, that is. It's time to replenish my baby food store. :)

Luke is 9 1/2 months now, and he is eating anything and everything in sight. He eats his baby food, he eats our big people food, and he aggressively grabs my arm and pulls it to him if I have food in my hand or if I am not feeding him fast enough. This kid...he can eat. He is also a cool dude.

When Calvin was a baby, I was determined to make his food, even though the thought of it overwhelmed and frightened me. I had no idea what I was doing. I also had no idea how easy it would be! I've gotten even more creative and daring with Luke's menu and it has been a blast! I am definitely a follow-the-recipe kind of cook. I am still stuck in that mode when cooking for adults, but Luke is adventurous and easy to please, so he will like anything I make for him. Another reason to love babies. (He also thinks I have a beautiful singing voice...or at least it's entertaining because he laughs.)

My first step outside my comfort zone was a few days ago when I attempted chicken soup with rice. I was researching posts about how to get more calories and nutrients into baby and came across this comment: Have you tried making a chicken soup with rice and then blending it?? Delicious!! For my daughter, I put boneless chicken, carrots, spinach, broccoli, squash, spices, vegetable broth, lentils and basmati rice into a pot (you can pick and choose which of these you want to include and which you prefer not to include). Then I boil the whole thing until everything is cooked and soft. Then transfer it into my blender and make it soft like a thick pureed soup. The baby loves it!

I thought this sounded great. Except. There are no measurements, temperatures, times. Spices? Which spices? This is definitely like my worst nightmare kind of recipe. I tried it anyway. I got my pot and put one chicken breast, some spinach, carrots and broccoli, beef broth (it's what I had), and one cup of basmati rice. I added some water, too. Deciding on spices was the most challenging part. I got out all of the spices I had, eliminated the ones I thought would be too spicy or too strong. With the ones that were left, I opened them one by one and smelled them. As I sniffed, I separated them into categories of no and maybe. I ended up with cayenne pepper, paprika and chili powder. Just kidding! I think it was ground ginger, coriander and basil. I think. Then, I put the lid on and boiled it. I don't know how long it boiled, maybe an hour. I checked it and stirred it. When I was convinced it was soft enough to blend, both boys were napping and I had to wait. The story of my life. When I finally blended and put it in my handy dandy storage containers, I ended up with 19 servings of something that Luke devours in a heartbeat.

These are some of my storage containers. I have an embarrassing amount of the tall green ones that were given to us at Calvin's baby shower. They are multi-purpose and wonderful! Each compartment has a lid with a spout and can be used for purees, pre-measured formula, snacks...the list goes on and on. They say Packin' SMART, so I don't know if that is the brand or what. They came from a cute shop in my hometown, Gruver, Texas called Shear Style. The orange and green ones in the back are wonderful. They were a gift from a dear friend who got them at Williams Sonoma when she worked there. They are Beaba brand and made from silicone. They are bigger servings (which is great for our little piggy) and once frozen, you can simply push the serving you want out and viola! The other is basically an ice tray with a lid that they can call baby food storage and charge more. It is handy and is measured at an ounce, so you can get the number of cubes you need (in our case, it's at least 4 now). 

This morning I decided to attempt a mixed fruit dish that I haven't tried before. I started with 4 Bosc pears, which I think are so pretty, but I didn't take a picture before I cut them up. I have these awesome steamers for the microwave that I use with almost every puree. They came from Pampered Chef, and they are definitely a favorite of mine.

I cut the pears into chunks, added a little water and microwaved them for about 3 minutes since pears are already somewhat soft.

Next, I washed and cut up strawberries, rinsed blueberries and stirred them into the mix. Sometimes I use my food processor, but my magic bullet was clean so that is what I used. :) I spooned fruit into the bullet and blended.

If you are Type A at all...like I can be at times...then you will understand the next step. It didn't all fit in the bullet, because it makes SO much! So, once a batch was blended, I added it to a bowl rather than directly to the storage. Then, once it was all blended, I stirred it all together so the fruit could be evenly distributed.

Then, added some to containers for the refrigerator and some for the freezer. This made about 25 servings. Yay! Baby food stash is beginning to grow again. I will do a carrot and potato mash later today. And it wasn't all that bad after all. 

Here are some resources I have used along my journey to baby food making:

The Petit Appetite Cookbook: Easy, organic recipes to nurture your baby and toddler

My Pinterest pins for baby food recipes are here

Good old fashion, trial and error to see what works! I have price compared with buying already-made food, buying frozen veggies to steam and puree and buying fresh. It really depends on what you want, but I do a combination of all of these things. My big test is if I will try what I'm feeding my baby. If I won't eat it, I don't expect him to eat it either. Bon Appetit!

Why I Deleted My Facebook App

Lately, I have been bombarded with conviction about my technology addiction...more specifically, my iPhone addiction. This is not something I was looking to confront. The only thing I did to actively pursue any type of significant change when it comes to practicalities was to read 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess by Jen Hatmaker. Great book, but a little annoying in that it brings up some things I would venture to say that we have all struggled with at some point. Excess. Food, clothes, spending, media, possessions, waste, stress. These are the things she addresses...really makes you want to read it, doesn't it? Don't unless you are ready to be challenged.

As I read about fasting from media, I thought Yes, that's a great idea. One day a week I will fast from Facebook, Pinterest, games on my phone, TV, etc. To be honest, it was something I had wanted to do for a while anyway. The problem was found in the "why". Why did I feel the need to have a media break? My 'why' was not strong enough to cause me to actually do it, so I hadn't. The reason I thought it was a good idea was because I had noticed for a while how often people around me were looking down at their phones rather than engaging the people around them. My family is among the most frequent of perpetrators when it comes to this. Answering calls during dinner, having to repeat ourselves because we are more engaged in this make believe world online than in each other, glued to a television show that is more interesting than what is going on in the lives of those we love. We had lost touch, and I was tired of it. I still didn't do anything about it until it got more personal.

I watched one of the videos going viral on Facebook, Look Up, that depicted what our world and relationships have become because we are not living life the real way. Immediately after watching it and sharing it, I turned off my phone for the rest of the night. The next day, Sunday, I took a journal to church to actually write my notes in rather than using my bible app and Evernote on my phone, which can be very distracting, with my Facebook app right there. It was nice (except when I looked up to see one of the youth kids, sitting on the front row, playing a game on his phone during the sermon, without trying to be the least bit discreet about it).

None of this was really hitting home with me...until I was nursing my baby that night. Last week, Luke had his 9 month appointment, and his pediatrician told me that he needs more calories and to be sure I am feeding him in a dark, quiet room without distractions. Of course I can do that! That doesn't mean I can't have my phone, right? Could it really be necessary to sit in a dark room and feed him without any form of entertainment? I tried to sneak in some Facebook time or a quick game while he ate. He was not having it. I turned it off and he ate like a champ. So, what do I do while I sit here? I began to pray over Luke and then for Calvin and Brandon. What a precious time. And for nine months, I had been missing out on what could have been such a blessing. No more. I'll admit, I am still tempted to pick up my phone...out of boredom, habit or whatever. Then I remember that feeling that I am wasting a sweet opportunity. He will never be this little again. I will seldom get to hold him for these long periods of time throughout the day. I'm already seeing that with his older brother. It's just not worth it to voluntarily give up something so sacred. Needless to say, I do not look at my phone when I am feeding Luke anymore.

I had another defining moment shortly after with my other son, Calvin. My husband, the morning person, usually gets up with the boys and lets me 'sleep in' until 8:00. Our little 3-year-old apple that didn't fall from the tree likes to wake up around 6:30. Brandon has his time for bible study, coffee and easing into his day at that time. Calvin would have to stay in bed until 7:00 and look at books. Then, he could have his iPad until mommy woke up. One morning, a few days ago, he walked out of his room with his iPad. He was still on it, walking, not looking up. Something happened inside of me, and I just decided that we were done with the iPad in the morning. Instead, he stays in his room until 7:00. Then, he comes to get into bed with me, brings his book of Bible stories and we read a story and pray together about our day. This is now how we begin our day, not with an iPad. It is better beyond words I can even express to you.

The next step was to delete my Facebook app on my phone. I thought about trying to count how many times I turned on my phone and looked at it throughout the course of a day. Then, out of fear that it would be an embarrassing number...or the ultimate embarrassment-I wouldn't be able to count, I just decided to take the plunge and get rid of it. I thought it would be hard, but it has been completely freeing. I have looked at Facebook three times in two days, and I do not miss it. I still look at my phone and start to go to the app, but in time that habit will die and I will be grateful. 

I took Calvin on a date the other night, and I was not taking pictures and posting cute statuses about it...I was having a conversation and dinner with him, without my phone. Yesterday I took Luke to the park and we sat on a blanket and played and read books and laughed and had snacks. I didn't post pictures to Facebook about it, because I was reveling in the beauty of the moment and just taking it in the best I could. It was priceless. (I may have taken a picture and later texted it to Nonny and Brandon, but he just looked so darn cute!) 

The night I deleted the app, I even contemplated posting a status about it: This is my last status update from my phone...at least for a while. Don't judge. This was a big moment for me. My commitment was also waning, because I didn't know (and still don't) how long I would actually go without the app. Then I realized that no one else really needed to know. So, I silently did it and life went on, for everyone.

It's been two days and I'm already more engaged with my kids, my family and my life. I'm working on a much bigger project when it comes to 'unplugging' from our devices so we can enhance relationships, experiences and our lives. This was just so fresh on my mind and heart that I had to write it down and share it today.

*As a disclaimer, let me add that I am not saying it's bad to post pictures and Facebook statuses...I will still continue to do so. I just personally needed more balance in my own interactions and activity, so it doesn't get in the way of just being in the moment and making the people around me feel like they are truly enough and our lives are enough without letting the world know what we are doing every moment that we are doing it. If you have this balance figured out, please feel free to share with me how you do it!! :)