The Center of His Love

I was running in Colorado again today, after a very long period of not running in Colorado. I remembered the hills but had blocked the altitude difference out of my memories. It was too cloudy to see the mountains, so it was kind of a tough run. Then, I heard this song. A song I have heard many times before, but this one part really struck me today:

"I’m holding on to the center of Your love"
(Monk & Neagle, All I Need)

It’s such a simple song, beautiful, full of truth and a genuine desire to know that Christ is all we need.

This one line, though, drew my thoughts toward the negative space, the opposite of what ‘the center of His love’ really is…because most often that is what tends to subtly and dangerously draw us away from Him. Why do we NOT hold on to the center of HIs love? I think a lot of times it’s because we are deceived and don’t know what that really even means.

We think that we have experienced the love of Christ in ways that are really only shadows, mirages, pretending to be something they aren’t. We pursue relationships to fulfill us and meet our needs. We chase after careers, prestige, being the best parents. We strive to attain (and maintain) the perfect home, the perfect family, the perfect life. Sure, as Christians, we attribute success to blessing and provision from God. We may even attribute failure to not enough Jesus or not being faithful in giving Him credit. In all of this, we miss the point. The center of His love is not in the gifts that He gives, but in the giving of Himself. 

As I heard this line, I was immediately reminded of missionary families we know and pray for all over the world. Far from home, with families of their own, they daily know what it means to hold onto the center of His love. They know the meaning of depending whole-heartedly on the Lord, because they have no other option. They know the risks and sacrifices of going (maybe specifically and maybe generally), but they also know the worth of living for Christ and seeing the Gospel go forth. 

Next, I was reminded of the sermon at church from two days ago. He said, “I think living in faith is harder in America than it is anywhere else.” He talked about physical idols built to gods in other places; however, the idols we have in America are usually invisible and we are frequently completely blind to them. They can be much more dangerous. This is similar to holding onto things that are weak reflections, at best, of God’s love and thinking we are actually holding onto Him. Only when what we are holding onto crumbles do we realize that it never was the real thing.

When I transitioned from the negative space of what the center of God’s love is NOT and was able to think about what it IS, I was overwhelmed with the truth of the HOPE we have in Him. In my art classes, we have been working on anchor charts from the perspective of Hebrews 6, where God’s Word tells us that our hope in Him is secure, comparing it to an anchor for the soul. That is what I think of when I think about what the center of God’s love truly is…an anchor for the soul, immoveable, unchangeable, stable and strong. Beginning in verse 13, the next 8 verses describe in great detail and with specific examples and prophecies why we can trust the certainty of God’s promises. This is real, this is what makes life worth living, and this is what I want to be holding onto, rather than a well-disguised shadow that only leaves me empty and alone.

I don’t read The Message often, but sometimes I love the beautiful words it uses to communicate scripture. Hebrews 6:18-20 says “We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go. It’s an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances right to the very presence of God where Jesus, running on ahead of us, has taken up his permanent post as high priest for us, in the order of Melchizedek.”

Grab on with both hands and never let go, but be sure you know what you’re grabbing. 

Sacrificial Encouragement

Today has been long and exhausting. I have worn many different hats today with a job this morning, an interview this afternoon, a long to-do list in preparation to leave on vacation, a baby with fever...the list goes on, as you all know and can empathize. We had a little bit of time before dinner must be started, and my sweet husband said 'Why don't you go lay down for a little bit?' (Bless him for noticing I could barely keep my eyes open and was about to topple over.)

I go downstairs to lay down for an early evening power nap (as we still have a 9pm appointment on the calendar for today), and my eye catches some mail on the table. There's a Save the Date with an adorable couple on it and their wedding date (our anniversary). This couple is our 9:00 appointment tonight for pre-marital counseling over the phone. I see their smiling faces and immediately look forward to this precious time with them. Amidst the mail is a package addressed to me, and as I read the return name and address, I begin to get excited.

I tear into the package and find a sweet, autographed devotional book. But the true treasure is peeking out from inside the book. It's a handwritten letter from a sweet, dear friend and wise mentor. It's someone that I've been waiting to hear from for a while, but have also been patient, knowing that she is experiencing struggles of her own.

I laid on the bed and began reading the letter, feeling the excitement of a child with anticipation of what the pages would hold. I read, I cried and I said a prayer of thankfulness and petitioned for comfort for this amazing lady. I was instantly energized and no longer needed to rest.

There is something about knowing that someone is hurting and the impact they can have when they choose to reach out and touch others' lives anyway. That is the story of this woman's life and her heart.

I don't know if you will see this blog post, but if you do, you know who you are and I thank you. Thank you for your countless, selfless acts of kindness and encouragement. I am inspired by you and your example.

May we all seek to reach out to someone today who is hurting and offer vulnerability, encouragement, love and hope.

Timeless Seasons

I have always loved the changing seasons. I definitely have my favorite times of year, but it has always seemed that when the next season would roll around, I was ready for it to be here. I have specific associations with certain times of year and holidays, as I'm sure you all do. Fall is definitely a favorite for a lot of reasons. I love the colors of fall, crisp cool air, football games, beginning of the school year (yes, I'm a nerd), Thanksgiving, my wedding anniversary, pumpkins, changing colors of the leaves, and the list goes on and on. It is a season that seems to ease us into winter, and there are things I love and hate about winter. I LOVE snow, fires in the fireplace, skiing, the holiday season and by the end I'm cold and tired and ready for spring. Spring is new life, green, rain, and the beginning of warmer weather and going OUTSIDE. When you have young children who have been indoors for several months, being outside is very important to everyone's sanity. Spring smells amazing, especially in the mountains. Summer is hot. I don't love summer, but I love vacation and being with friends and family, celebrating the 4th, cooking out and watching my boys (all three of them) who love to play in the water. Then, the cycle continues, and at the end of summer, I am always ready for Fall again and the cool breezes it brings as a relief from the heat. 

Today, I finished a book and it enlightened me as to why I love the whole premise of seasons, change and the constancy of it all. We are all created with an understanding, however hidden it may be, of what it all represents. On the surface, it tends to only be changes in weather, different holidays and making wardrobe choices more difficult. However, it has a much deeper meaning that actually resides within our souls.

The way Francine Rivers depicts this symbolism is so beautiful in The Last Sin Eater (oh my gosh, if you haven't read this book, read it, now!):

The gift I needed had already been given; the evidence of it was all around me, everywhere I looked, even in the air I breathed. For hadn't it been God himself who had given me life and breath?

I kept thinking about Granny. I remembered how we'd sit on the porch, melting and waiting for the hot summer day to end in the relief of nightfall. In the thankful cool, we'd stare up into the infinite black sky with glitters twinkling while the lightning bugs sparkled like fallen stars in the woods round about us.

In the fall, Granny'd send me off to capture one monarch butterfly from the thousands that migrated. She'd hold the jar a long while just looking at the pretty thing. "From a worm this came. Don't that beat all?" And then she'd take the top off the jar and watch it flutter away.

First frost had been an event to Granny Forbes, for with it came the high mountain gold and the soft winds that stirred up blizzards of red, pink, orange, and yellow leaves swirling. "The maple's always last to give up its color," she'd aways say. The maple that grew near our cabin was like a red blaze against the encroaching winter gray skies,  its leaves like crimson sparks on the dead brown ground.

Granny would sit by the window during winter and look out at the snow heaping or watch the icicles' slow growth from the eaves of the front porch. They'd catch the sunlight and cast a rainbow radiance. Granny was ever hoarding bread crumbs and sending me out to toss them about near the window so that she could watch the towhees, titmice, red cardinals, and mourning doves foraging for the bits of food in the vast white. During the ice storms and long bleak nights of winter, she'd tell me the mountains were like sleeping giants that'd come awake again soon. "God'll see to it."

And God did. Those mountains always did wake up, without fail. Year after year, the earth came back to life again with what Granny called "God-green." She always said no matter how much you watered, you couldn't get the same color that came with a single rain of the life-bearing water of heaven.

Now I knew why it happened that way, what Granny was trying to show me in words she didn't have. It was no accident, no coincidence, that the seasons came round and round year after year. It was the Lord speaking to us all and showing us over and over again the birth, life, death, and resurrection of his only begotten Son, our Savior, Jesus Christ, our Lord. It was like a best-loved story being told day after day with each sunrise and sunset, year after year with the seasons, down through the ages since time began.

I knew after hearing the word of the Lord, I'd never walk anywhere again without seeing Jesus as a babe in the new-green of spring. I'd never see a field in all its glory without thinking how he lived his life for us in the royal robes of every summer wildflower. I'd ever see the greatness of his love in the beautiful sacrifice in the brilliant reds, oranges, and yellows of fall, and winter white would always speak to me of his death. And then spring again, his resurrection, life eternal.

I cannot say it any better, but I can identify with it, rest in it, rejoice in it and simply be thankful for it, everyday...no matter what the season, weather or circumstances of the moment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Vulnerability & Grace Undeserved

I have no choice but to write this tonight. There are many other things I ‘should’ be doing, with sleep at the top of the list. But when God lays something on your heart that will not let you rest until you share it, there is no other option.

About 6 years ago, Brandon and I were dating and on a mission trip in Thailand. It had been a pretty wild week. We had only been dating a few months and traveling internationally on a mission trip for the first time together will teach you a lot about each other very quickly. It can be a good thing, and it can be an extremely eye-opening experience. In our experience, Brandon learned some unattractive things about me. Still dealing with some past hurt, I was insecure in some areas and this unbecoming quality chose to reveal itself all at once, on this trip, in the form of jealousy, being needy and controlling. I mean, we had a designated balcony where we went to have ‘talks’ throughout the trip. Good thing we were only a few months into this thing and he could still get out! At least that’s what I was thinking. Instead, this is what happened. 

We were walking along the beach near our hotel on the last night of the trip. We were talking and reflecting on our time there, and I think we were both a little relieved that it was over in some ways. I was feeling a little dejected, embarrassed and ashamed because of how I had allowed major insecurities to get in the way of my focus on our purpose for being there. We stopped to look at the waves crashing onto the shore in the moonlight and Brandon looks at me and says (for the first time) “I love every bit of you.” Later, he clarified that what this really meant was I have seen all your crazy and I still love you. 

I was shocked. I was in complete and utter disbelief. And for this reason, I didn’t say anything. Neither did he. It was awkward. We walked back to the hotel in silence. We ended up on our special balcony, and I had finally had time to organize my thoughts. I asked him what was wrong. Ha. He said “Well, I kinda just put myself out there.” I told him to say it again, and he said “I put myself out there.” I told him “Not that.” Then, he smiled and said “I love you.” I immediately replied “I love you too!” We hugged and kissed and were really romantical, blah, blah, blah.

So, the things I have learned from this experience have been brought back to my attention over and over again. There is always a new take away. Tonight, I have recognized another one. 

Brandon was sweating, doubting and thinking maybe I didn’t really love him back. Most of us have been there before, and it’s not a pleasant place to be. What he didn’t know at the time was that I knew after our first date that he was the guy for me. I didn’t pause or hesitate because I wasn’t sure if I loved him. I was dumbfounded that he loved me, and he rendered me literally speechless (which is tough to do!). I was blown away, and felt unworthy because of what our week had looked like. Thankfully, my (now) husband was (and is) able to look past the problems bubbling to the surface and see me, my heart, who I really was. Not simply the symptoms of sin.

Guess what? Christ does the same thing. He doesn’t sit in the judgment seat throwing lighting bolts at us when we mess up. He intercedes for us before the Father out of great love for you and me. We are completely sinful and make mistakes all the time. Yet, God’s loving response is “I love every bit of you. I have not only seen your crazy, but I know your every thought and your heart’s true intentions and I love you still.” It should blow us away, every moment that we remember that we are intimately and passionately loved by Almighty Jesus. It should render us speechless, bring us to our knees, fill our hearts with joy and our eyes with tears of bliss that God loves us unconditionally, no matter what.

I am so grateful that my husband exemplifies the love of Christ to me in this way. He challenges me, pushes me, encourages me, pursues me and lovingly prods me to examine my heart. He also sets the example by doing these things himself. I know how fortunate I am to be blessed with such a rare and mighty man of God.

The truth is that we all have the opportunity to know this love, in its purest form, from the God who not only loves but is love. The only thing we must do to receive it is to reach out and accept the most precious gift anyone could ever hope to receive…undeserved grace.

Collecting Moments: A Tribute to Dad

The best gift my dad ever gave me was teaching me that people and experiences matter more than stuff. I've never heard him actually say this, but he has always modeled it by the way he lives his life and leads our family. The absolute best memories I have of growing up are road trips. We had so much fun bonding as a family. Some of the most memorable conversations I have ever had with dad were in the middle of the night while we were on the road, trying to stay awake and solve all the world's problems. He did such an amazing job creating opportunities for us to experience nature in the mountains, learn about culture and history (as he incessantly shared knowledge about everything we drove by and each historical marker we passed), and most importantly helping us understand that life is not made full by what you have but because of who you have. Because of this most important lesson, today I know where to place value and can easily let things go that don't really matter in the long run. My greatest hope is that I can teach my children how to adopt the same perspective.

Money was always something there seemed to be enough of when I was growing up. Of course, how much do children really understand about those things? Today in the car Calvin asked us why he couldn't ride all of the rides at the carnival we went to see (we quickly opted to walk to a nearby playground that was FREE). We told him that rides cost money and sometimes we have to make choices about what to spend our money on. He replied by telling us to just go get some money. When I asked him where I could go get money, he told me it was at the house in my purse. (What a wonderful surprise!) In a way, I was thankful today that we couldn't just spend frivolously on whatever we wanted. It was such a teachable moment for our almost 4-year-old to see us exercise self-control and responsible decisions about finances. Although he doesn't fully grasp it now, my prayer is that it will plant a seed, take root and eventually grow into full knowledge that contentment, satisfaction and abundant life will never be found in what we can buy. In fact, I believe these things can be found in any situation, and the more difficult the journey to seek it out, the more character will be built in the process. I love that my dad worked hard and faithfully to provide for our family. He could have done something to make a lot of money, but because of his strong character and obedience to the Lord's calling on his life, he chose instead to build a career on something that mattered, something that changed lives. I don't know how many students went through dad's classrooms and how many of those were significantly influenced. I do know there are many lives that have been impacted by him, and I know that I'm one of them. He has been my teacher, my coach, my encourager, my comfort, my protector. I have counseled too many women to not realize that it's rare to have a father who so deeply desires to imitate the kind of love our Heavenly Father has for us. My dad is not perfect, but he is the perfect dad for me. I could not be more proud and humbled at the same time to be his little girl.

Love Over Hate: One Year Anniversary

A mentor of mine found this idea very important. She made it a point in business to promote what we believed in, rather than putting down others. She taught her children to cheer for their team, rather than booing the opposing team. Positive encouragement over negative criticism. Love over hate.

A little while ago, a friend of mine posted a complaint about Facebook becoming a place where everyone is trying to sell something. I get it. I have a lot of Facebook friends who are in various direct sales companies, and there are a lot of posts and online parties that take up quite a bit of my news feed. I also get a lot of 'suggested posts' through Facebook ads. More than a year ago, I may have had the same frustration without stopping to think about the people behind those posts and what they are trying to accomplish.

One year ago, today, I decided to start my own business by partnering with the doctors who created Proactiv. I entered a market I knew nothing about, ready to promote products I knew very little about, but I had something more powerful on my side. Motivation born out of a need to be successful and bring in some additional income for my family. This reason that I became an independent consultant for a skin care line is why I don't get irritated when I see someone trying to sell something. I understand that maybe this is a mom who desires to stay home with her kids but needs the income of her full-time job that requires her to be away from them. I know the generosity of the top earner in my company who could choose to do whatever she wants with the large residual income she receives and what she and her husband choose to do is give back by supporting orphans in places like India. I seriously doubt that anyone sells any type of product because they enjoy promoting products, but there is so much more to it.

I love testimonials, and it inspires me to hear what Rodan + Fields products have done for our customers. Some have struggled with acne for years and have found confidence in clear healthy skin because of our Unblemish regimen. Others have struggled with sensitive, red skin that they have tried to cover with make up, and found relief with our Soothe products. Our most popular line is for aging skin, and the Redefine products we have are revolutionizing the anti-aging market. See, I didn't have to know anything about skin care products to promote them, because our doctors do. I can't even keep up with the awards our products and business model have received. I definitely can't count the unpaid media impressions R+F products get all the time, because everyone (including celebrities) LOVES what we have to offer.

Yesterday, I got to go to the river and watch my dad, husband and son fish together. I love being at the river and listening to the water, wildlife and nothing else. I just kept thinking about how life-giving a river is...for the fish, the animals that come for a drink. It's refreshing. It reminds me of what it's like to be a part of Rodan + Fields. My team and beyond are so encouraging and life-giving. There is endless support, sometimes from fellow consultants that I don't know personally or have even met. It is such an incredibly positive environment. Thankfully, even with the negative and complaining status updates that exist on Facebook, the leaders in our company do not allow negativity to be posted on our group pages. My nearest Level V leader even asks us to share prayer requests and offers to pray for us and with us for anything going on in our lives.

I think that I am most thankful for this opportunity because of all that I've learned in the past year from being a consultant. I've learned that it's ok to share something with someone and for them to not be equally excited or receptive to it. I've learned that stepping outside your comfort zone can be scary but also rewarding. I've learned that there can be multiple purposes for reaching out to old friends and new ones! Sometimes I have shared R+F with someone who wasn't interested in the business or the products but needed prayer for something. Other times I have reached out to people who wanted to try the products and needed someone to talk to about what was going on in their lives. Without Rodan + Fields, I probably never would have had a reason to randomly contact these people. I am so grateful for what God is accomplishing in and through me as I have grown my business and been blessed by it.

I promote Rodan + Fields because I love it. I love what it has done for my skin and that of my preferred customers. I love what the business has done for me, by way of personal growth. I love what the company stands for and the many people it helps in various ways. One year down and many more to go. I can't wait to see what the future holds. Changing Skin & Changing Lives

I have started a skin care tips blog that will have a variety of information on R+F products and business tips. I created it for my preferred customers, but I would love for you to follow it if you are interested in taking better care of your skin or want more information on starting your own R+F business. You can find the link here.

The "P" Word

I am incredibly impatient. If you know me, and you're thinking "No, you're not", let me just set the record straight. I'm more impatient than most and better at hiding it than most. The majority of the time I feel the need to hide my impatience, because I know it's unreasonable. I know it doesn't help things move more quickly. Most of all, I'm embarrassed that I can be so impatient about such small matters.

With the title of this blog being therapy, let's talk acronyms. I believe that I have a unique combination of OCD and ADD, self-diagnosed of course. The version of OCD I experience requires me to be confident that I can finish something until completion before I am able to start it. If I don't think I'll be able to finish the task, I don't bother starting it. This doesn't work out well with having young children, just sayin'. The strain of ADD I think I have relates more to impatience with matters outside my control. If something is not getting done in the time frame (or the way) I think it needs to be done, then I lose interest and move on. I can share three words and tell you more about myself than you need to know: I'm a planner. When things don't go according to plan, *sigh*. When there's not a plan to begin with, well then nobody asked me to make one, because I would have.

Patience is a virtue, and it's one I believe is worthy of pursuit. God's Word itself tells us that it is a fruit of the Spirit. I know, from experience, that when I am intentional about chasing after patience, God honors that and provides it beyond what I could ever conjure up on my own. How is it that something like patience, which has this connotation of being slow, peaceful and easy, be so elusive? So difficult to attain? I suppose it takes time to acquire, which takes...you guessed it...patience.

My almost 4-year-old, when asked what it means to be patient, will obediently quote "Patience is waiting with a happy heart." I'm fairly certain he still doesn't grasp the meaning. But I'm 31 and don't always get it either.

Since this isn't a state of mind I'm frequently familiar with, there are some aspects of it that escape me. For one, I wonder if you can ever possibly get to a point where you will respond to a stressful situation with immediate, instinctive patience. Or, will there always be at least a split second temptation to react out of habit rather than thoughtfully respond? If there are situations that simply don't bother you as much, so you have a larger capacity of tolerance for it, does that count as patience? Since Love is patient, when I speak, act or even think out of a place of impatience toward those I love, am I being unloving? (Don't answer that.)

In Evan Almighty 'God' (Morgan Freeman) tells 'Joan Baxter' (Lauren Graham) "Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient?" Be careful what you pray for.

Love & Laundry

Following our beautiful wedding on a crisp November day in 2008, we went to Rome for our honeymoon. Our timeline for dating, engagement and marriage was fairly brief, compared to some, so we hadn't had a real fight yet. Brandon remembers our first year of marriage being very difficult with lots of 'discussions', as he likes to call them. Either he is the groom of gloom or I remember it with rose-colored glasses. In any case, we agree that our first disagreement took place on the first day of our honeymoon.

We were getting ready to go see the sights in beautiful Italy, and I had a beautiful trousseau from which to select my outfit. It included a lovely bag (which a classy-looking lady at the Coliseum complimented me on) and a really great pair of boots. Naturally, I wanted to look fabulous for our first day in Rome, so I chose a denim skirt, a sweater and scarf and my boots. Brandon, sporting his jeans and long-sleeved Under Armor t-shirt (I'm sure) asks me, "Are you going to wear those?" indicating my tall boots with relatively tall heels. I gave him a look, daring him to challenge me on this and simply said "Yes." End of conversation.

We spent a wonderful morning drinking cappuccino and then exploring Vatican City. For those of you who don't know, Brandon is a history buff, and he soaks in every detail of every museum. He's the guy who gets the tour headphones and just gets lost in it all. We are very different. So, we get to St. Peter's Basilica and he is walking around with his headphones, looking at dead popes while I am very discreetly limping behind him. My feet hurt and I'm ready to go back to the hotel, but I will not give him the satisfaction of knowing he was right. We go out to get a slice of pizza and SIT in St. Peter's square by the fountain. I don't want to finish eating ever, because that would mean I have to get up and walk some more. He now knows that I'm hurting a little, but being the sweet new husband he is, he doesn't say a word.

Next, we make our way to the Sistine Chapel. It's not just a place that you walk into but instead at the END of a series of rooms in the Vatican Museum that seems to go on for miles. By the time we get to the Sistine Chapel, my boots are in my very cute purse and I'm in my socks. I just pretend it's out of reverence. Then, it's time to go back outside and I have to painfully wiggle my aching feet back into the dreadful boots without crying. It's dusk and we have spent the entire day at Vatican City, so it's time to go back to the hotel. We get to the subway and we walk for at least 45 minutes, only to discover that we've been going in the wrong direction. I casually suggest "Why don't we just get a taxi?" Brandon laughs. Wrong move. We don't get a taxi. We don't talk for quite a while. Then, my feet eventually recuperate and we are over it. Brandon loves to tell this story, so there it is...you all know it. Now, it will not be necessary for him to ever tell it again.

Our next 'fight' happened when we got home from Rome. This is truly the epitome of newlywed moments for those who didn't live together first. It's our first time to share a home and we get home at night, jet-lagged. Brandon fully intends to return to work the next morning. He listens to music as he goes to sleep. He doesn't eat breakfast (which nullified the wonderful breakfast I cooked for him). I can adjust to all of that, and I know there will be more to come. Then, something happens that I don't know how to handle. He goes to work, so I go to my volunteer shift and return home to find that he has done all of his laundry. Only his. I was crushed. It isn't because I wanted to do his laundry or even because I wanted him to do mine. It was because we were now a married couple so shouldn't we combine our laundry like we had just combined our lives? He didn't know how to react to my reaction and probably thought he had just married a crazy person. In the end, it worked out. :) He was trying to be thoughtful and get his done (without attempting to do mine and ruining my trousseau) so I could do mine. 

Along with the things that we've both adjusted to over the past five years, there have been some wonderful discoveries, too. One is that he actually enjoys doing laundry, specifically folding it. He finds it therapeutic. It's also a great excuse for him to watch sports all day long while he 'does laundry'. He also likes doing the dishes and keeping the kitchen clean. Ok, that's a lie. He can't stand for there to be dishes in the sink or clutter on the counter. So, if I just leave it, he does it. Dream husband. Sorry, girls, he's taken!

There is so much more I could get into on the subject of love and marriage, and I'm sure I will. This is one of my favorite specialties in counseling. The difficulty in attempting to just be 'wife' in my marriage and not 'counselor', 'mommy' or any of the other hats I wear, is a task in itself. Then, there are the times Brandon accuses me of using my 'counseling voodoo' on him (just because he knows I'm right). For now, I just think it's important in marriage, as in any area of life, to remember where we've been, what we've overcome because it helps us to know where we are and where we are going. Bobby Sanders, our interim pastor at church, said it well on Mother's Day: Taking time to reflect and evaluate how you're doing is a gift to your spouse.