Hurting to Healing

There is some intense heaviness in my world right now, and I know I'm not alone. A couple of weeks ago we had a staff development meeting, and a lady from the Rape Crisis Center came to speak to us about human trafficking. She explained to us that this is not an issue just in some other parts of the world but in our own city, as well. It was informative and sad, and I walked away feeling a little more knowledgable but completely helpless.

Monday was an in-service day, and a very dynamic speaker talked to us about systems theory, as it relates to families, communities and schools. Mostly, he helped us understand how it affects children, so when we see them affected by a broken system, we can somehow try to help. In order to teach us, he shared examples of what broken systems look like, and contrasted them with characteristics of healthy ones. It was fascinating, and I learned a lot. Again, it reminded me of the brokenness in our world and of hurting people everywhere. Marriages, kids, teachers, students, families are hurting.

A man in my hometown community, along with his wife and 3 kids, is facing a brain tumor, complications of surgery and the possibility of a shorter life than any of them could have imagined. People are hurting.

People in Ferguson and outside of Missouri, black, white and every other color, police officers and convicted criminals, are affected by what is happening in our country and among the people of this nation. It is impossible to live in America and be unaffected, which can only be accomplished by pretense. We are each one affected, and in some way...hurting.

Tonight, my husband and I decided to watch a movie. He wanted gory action, I wanted shallow romantic comedy, so we compromised on a documentary that we have wanted to watch and just kept forgetting about it. We watched Nefarious: Merchant of Souls, which is a documentary on modern-day sex slavery. I didn't think I could finish watching, because I was going to be sick. It wasn't visually graphic, and it didn't have to be. I couldn't believe what I was seeing...that it wasn't a movie...this is real, and it happens every day. It happens in our world, in our country and to people who never asked for this life. Every person involved in human trafficking is hurting, and most of them don't even know it.

Uplifting on Thanksgiving Eve, right? It's important, though, that we are able to admit, especially during the holidays that life can be downright tough. It's essential that we are able to say "I'm hurting, and I need something to help me." Because if we can't acknowledge it, then we get stuck there, and the only thing that changes is that we become hurt people who hurt people. We get to a place where 'hopeless' becomes too weak of a word to describe how we feel, as one of the interviewees on the documentary put it. We cannot get to that point and survive. If we can say "I am hurting," then we can also ask for help. That is where healing begins.

I'm so glad I stuck it out until the end of the documentary, because it was worth it. You've seen these victims of human trafficking being interviewed throughout it, some of them just a shadowed silhouette. They've shared their stories and the horrific details of the nightmare they lived. They cried and struggled to find words to describe the evils they encountered. The experts shared about the psychology of it all and the Stockholm Syndrome, victim mentality, psychological brainwashing and the overwhelming statistics of those who are rescued return to the lifestyle. Right when you get to a point where you feel like giving up for them, even the ones who are rescued, because they can never recover, they ask them about what has helped them overcome what they have survived. All of the sudden, these women who were crying and quietly battling to talk, are filled with joy, have light in their eyes and are talking non-stop about the one and only thing that has helped them know they are loved, worth something and have value. Jesus. Somehow, in some way, they encountered Jesus and His love for them, and once again they have hope. They have marriages and families and ministries to help others.

It's true, people are hurting everywhere. Many are experiencing pain deeper than I could ever imagine. Maybe you saw the title of this blog post and were enticed to click and read because you are hurting, too. If that's true, please know that I am praying for you tonight, for Jesus to overwhelm your soul and bring you peace and calm in the midst of your storm, as only He can.

A song from way back when has been on my heart tonight, and I want to share the lyrics here. I hope they will offer some sense of encouragement for those who need it so desperately right now.

JESUS IS THE ANSWER

Jesus is the answer for the world today.
Above him there's no other, Jesus is the way.

If you have some questions
In the corners of your mind
Traces of discouragement
Peace you cannot find
Reflections of your past
Seem to face you everyday
But this one thing I do know,
Jesus is the way.

Jesus is the answer for the world today.
Above him there's no other, Jesus is the way.

I know you've got mountains
You think you cannot climb
I know your skies are dark
You think the sun won't shine
But in case you don't know
That the word of God is true
Everything he's promised
He'll do it for you.

Jesus is the answer for the world today.
Above him there's no other, Jesus is the way.

A Word Picture: Six Years in Retrospect

Six years ago was my wedding day, and today I love my husband more than I ever dreamed possible. Looking back, I just thought I loved him a lot as we began our life together. Six years, two kids, two moves and many ups and downs later, I realize that I'm only beginning to know what being one with someone is all about.

One of the coolest thing that we have gotten to do together is premarital counseling for other young couples as they prepare for marriage. This has been so much fun for us, and although it does require some time and planning, especially with two young children, I am certain that it blesses and encourages us as much as it does them, if not more. I have done premarital counseling/education through workshops, small groups and couples for some time. Only in the past couple of years have we had the opportunity to do it together as a team. Each time it causes us to examine our own marriage and how we are doing in these areas. It helps us reflect on where we are and what we need to work on more. It encourages us to reminisce and share stories from our history, good and bad, so we can laugh and remember where we have been and how far we have come.

Today it is an honor to share the celebration of our wedding anniversary with a precious couple who has become so dear to us on their wedding day. Kent and Mandy have opened their lives and their relationship up to us from the beginning. They've sat on our couch and at our dining room table and we have laughed, cried and prayed together over the course of their dating relationship ups and downs, engagement and now, today they finally get to express their love for one another in front of family and friends, as they commit to one another and to God the beginning of this beautiful journey.

I am so thankful that we get to see a glimpse of the Father's love through the word picture of marriage. Weddings are fun, and being married is a blast. It's even better when we realize that marriage isn't really about us. Its foundational purpose is to show us and give us an example of the perfect love that Christ has for His people, the church. So, when we read scriptures like Ephesians 5:22-33, we think it's about marriage. Yes, it does offer insight and direction which would be wise to model our marriages after. However, the true and flawless example and purpose is always Christ. Ultimately, we can be filled with hope when we fail our spouses (and we will...again and again), because God's love never fails and always pursues, always perseveres.

I am so grateful today, and every day, for my husband who loves me well, protects and provides always, is an amazing daddy to two little boys whose hero he is and first and foremost loves Jesus and seeks to honor God in all he does. I cannot imagine a better way to celebrate our love and life together than to celebrate a new beginning with sweet friends and worship together, recognizing the most important love story of all.

A Posture of Gratitude

It's been a long time, friends. My last post is dated August 2nd, the day after my 32nd birthday. Eight days later, a lot of changes took place. It's been good and hard and up and down and non-stop, but I finally decided that it is time. There are some things that need to be transitioned from my brain and my heart to my blog. As I look back over the posts I've written, there are some drafts with titles and no content. It's amusing to me, because I always think I'm being so clever by getting the titles down when I have some random thing I want to write about (later). Months later, I revisit these brief titles and notes, and at best, I vaguely remember in which direction I may have been thinking at the time. The changes I will have to write about at another time...I'm fairly certain they will not be too soon forgotten. Today's words and thoughts are too many to be combined with anything else.

I love fall and I love Thanksgiving. It is my favorite of all seasons and my favorite of holidays. I have always believed that I understood what it meant to be thankful and that I was pretty good at having an 'attitude of gratitude' most of the time. Without even realizing it, I would silently judge others who complained or simply feel pretty good about myself for realizing all that I had and appreciating it. This season has transformed my perspective and now I truly understand what it means to live thankfully every day. Corita Kent said this about understanding:

To understand is to stand under which is to look up which is a good way to understand. 

When I say I understand what it means what I only thought I understood for so long, I do not claim that I fully get it or do it perfectly. I simply mean that I have recently experienced days, un-extraordinary in any way, when my heart has overflowed with thankfulness to the point of tears for things that are not new to me. Corita said it well, and it applies to my life, personally, to add that what I stand under is grace from God and His provision and I look up to Him when I am unable to make sense of my world. Sometimes He chooses to give insight, and sometimes He just drops a big ole thankfulness bomb on me, reminding me that I don't have to 'get' every detail. More often than not, I believe it's the latter, and I'm totally okay with that.

Un-extraordinary Examples

Disclaimer: I do not label these as "un-extraordinary" because they are not a big deal (or because that isn't even a word), but because they are not anything new or different in my life.

Church 

I cry at church every week. When we take communion or when we are worshipping all together as a family or when the pastor is preaching and sometimes during all three of these things, I cry. It's not a spiritual peak moment or a Wednesday night church camp emotional moment. It's truly realizing what Christ did for me and what communion really symbolizes. It's seeing Calvin raise his hands in worship or Luke's sweet face just watching me and wondering what on earth I'm singing about. It's holding Brandon's hand while we listen to a sermon on Ephesians 5 (marriage) or 6 (parenting), knowing that we are a team. I cry tears of joy and gratefulness, not because this is the first time I know that I serve an amazing God or have been blessed with a beautiful family. It is the simple recognition of the simple gift of salvation. It's because I recognize the gift that it is, not just once, but every time that we have these privileges. Psalm 9:1 is what I have shared with my students over and over again in the past couple of weeks. It says

"I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart; I will recount all of your wonderful deeds." 

We talk about the word 'recount', meaning that we are not to recognize and thank God for our blessings once, but again and again and again.

Work

This goes back to all the changes, so I will catch you up later on the details. In a nutshell, I am teaching elementary art at a private Christian school. I cannot even count the times I have cried at work...again tears of pure joy and overflowing from a thankful heart. How many people can say that about their jobs? I work in an incredible place with people who love Jesus and precious children who are learning to love Jesus, too. I also work down the hall from both of my children, so it doesn't get better than that. I am exhausted at the end of the day and I generally don't want to get out of bed early in the morning. Here's how I know I love my job and that I'm grateful for it: I'm not depressed on Sunday night about Monday morning, and I'm not in a bad mood in the car on the way to school in the mornings. Just this week...I cried when sweet friends from work texted and emailed me to check on my boys, because they knew there was a possibility one of them might be sick. I cried at our indescribable family worship chapel on Wednesday and again at our staff meeting that afternoon, as I shared and listened to everyone share their hearts about why they were thankful to be at this place. I cried this morning as our staff joined together and prayer walked through the halls and classrooms, preparing for the day. I cried when I hugged Calvin's teacher in the hall and told her how much I appreciated her, because I know that she loves him and pours the love of Christ into him on a daily basis. Work makes me cry...but in a good way.

In Transit

I can think of two times in the past week that Calvin asked some tough questions, and God immediately gave me words to respond, along with...you guessed it...a grateful heart. We were driving home from school one day, sitting at a stop light, and we saw a man riding his bicycle. He had two sacks, one on each handlebar. It was very cold and damp outside, as we sat in our warm car with the heater going. Calvin said, "Is that man riding a bicycle?" I told him yes. Then, his infamous question: "Why?" Without skipping a beat, I explained that some people don't have cars and we are very blessed that we have a car to drive that works and can get us from place to place, keeping us dry and warm. A couple of days later, Calvin didn't want to wear his coat...I'm sure none of you parents can imagine fighting that battle. He finally conceded, and as we were walking to the car, he said "It's not too cold out here." Again, the words flowed quickly as I responded by explaining that it wasn't too cold because we are so fortunate to have warm clothes to wear. I tried to help him understand with his little 4-year-old brain that not everyone in the world has the option to dress and live comfortably, without fear of what hardships the weather may bring.

It was great to be able to begin to share these truths with my son, and I hope and pray they begin to take root. The real lesson, however, was for me. He didn't see the tears in my eyes as we were sitting at the stop light, because he didn't know that my heart has not always been thankful for my 10-year-old, 100,000+ mile, crack in the windshield vehicle. He didn't know that God was showing me the lack of gratitude in my own heart and revealing to me something huge in my life for which to be thankful. He didn't understand that sometimes mommy wishes she could shop more often for new clothes for myself and my family, when in reality, what we have been blessed with is more than enough.

Why Gratitude Matters

The list really goes on and on, and I know it may sound like I'm just a big crybaby. I can promise you that I'm not. This is a glimpse, a very abbreviated one, into a depth of gratitude that has rocked my world over the past few months. A change in perspective like this is seemingly so small, but absolutely life-changing. I'm learning to not just say the 'right things': I'm so grateful for what I have. I'm just trusting the Lord to provide. I know that God's timing is perfect. I'm actually meaning it in my heart and living it with my life, and it makes all the difference.

At our staff devotion time on Tuesday morning (yes, another time I cried), a teacher shared this: Gratefulness brings contentment and contentment brings peace. I can attest to this statement and wholeheartedly support it. I know God has overflowed my soul with gladness in Him and gratefulness for the ordinary, which really isn't ordinary at all. I have never been more content or peaceful, when it makes the least logical sense to be either, in all my life.

My prayer for you, as you're reading this, is that you will find joy in the little things and the ability to see with new eyes the many things that have been there for so long for which you have to rejoice and have thanksgiving in your heart. May you be richly blessed with just enough.

Ah-mazing Veggie Enchiladas

Last Sunday, when my boys were napping and I was meal-planning and grocery-list-making, I had a few objectives. I wanted to plan dinners that were healthy, not too many ingredients (in other words, cheap!), delicious and filling and kid-friendly (I'm not a fan of making one meal for adults and another meal for kids, if I can help it). That's not too much to ask, right? Now, it is Saturday night and I have made all the meals I intended to make except one. I think this week was a success. The dinner we had tonight was so good that I couldn't wait to share it! I can't tell you how it warms my heart to see my kiddos loving Mexican food.

I will share the recipe/ingredients from the source and also share what I used and did differently. I am not a vegetarian, so I wasn't picky about certain things. That's the great thing about this recipe. Substitutions for diet restrictions and taste preferences are easy. There's another version on the website that uses avocado and quinoa for vegans. I may just add avocado next time because...well, because it's avocado.

Black Bean Spinach Enchiladas

Check out the garden grazer, where I got this recipe!

Ingredients
(for the sauce) Yes, you make the sauce, it's easy...I mean, I did it...and it's incredible!
3 cups organic low sodium vegetable broth
-I used 3 cups of Essential Everyday fat free reduced sodium chicken broth
1/4 cup tomato paste
1/4 cup all-purpose flour (or gluten-free flour)
2 Tbsp. olive oil
2 tsp. cumin
1/4 tsp. garlic powder
1/4 tsp. onion powder
-I used onion salt because it's what I had
1/4 tsp. chili powder
salt/pepper

(for the enchiladas)
15 oz. can black beans, rinsed and drained
1 1/2 cups of corn (which is a can, I measured it)
6 oz. fresh baby spinach
6 green onions, freshly sliced
1/3 cup cilantro, chopped
2 tsp. cumin
3 cups shredded cheese
8 large flour tortillas

Directions
Preheat oven to 375.
Make the sauce: in a saucepan, heat olive oil over medium heat. Add tomato paste, cumin, garlic powder, onion powder, and chili powder. Cook one minute, whisking. Whisk in broth, bring to a boil. Reduce to simmer, and cook until slightly thickened, about 8 minutes. Salt/pepper to taste and set aside.

Sautee the spinach in olive oil over medium heat for 1-2 minutes until slightly wilted.
In a large bowl, combine beans, 2 cups cheese, spinach, corn, green onions, cumin and cilantro. (This is a beautiful, colorful masterpiece, when all combined.)
Lightly spray 9x13 inch baking dish and pour a small amount of the sauce to coat the bottom.
Generously fill tortillas with mixture, roll up tightly with ends tucked in and place seam side down in dish. Pour remaining sauce over the enchiladas, coating evenly. Sprinkle one cup of cheese on top.
Bake about 20 minutes and garnish with green onion/cilantro.

Also freezer friendly! Freeze enchiladas and sauce separately and go to the garden grazer website (link above) for heating instructions. All three of my guys, including my 4-year-old (picky eater) and 1-year-old, ate these up! I love that they were getting a superfood like spinach and other good stuff. The boys each ate half an enchilada and Brandon and I each ate one and were full. I just served them with chips and hot sauce, because we didn't need anything else. Now we have lots of delicious leftovers. Winner, winner, enchilada dinner!

Here are some other recipes I tried this week and will definitely do again! These three are from Better Homes & Gardens. I also discovered that we are all four fans of sweet peppers. Yay Vitamin C + delicious goodness!

• Crispy Fish & Peppers I used tilapia & no lemon.
• Chicken-Noodle Casserole This was a little bit more involved than I anticipated but it was worth it! My sauce didn't thicken as much as I wanted, so next time I will add more flour so it is more casserole and less soup. I also don't have a dutch oven but used a cast iron skillet with a lid that worked great!
• Fall Vegetable Fajitas Three of my favorite things in the three-word title! You may be surprised to learn that one of the main ingredients is steak. Not vegetarian-friendly, if made according to the recipe...and I am a rule-follower, so bring on the meat! We had been at the park, so when we got home T minus 45 minutes to dinner and I looked up the recipe, you can imagine my response when I read Cover and refrigerate for 2 hours tossing once. Oops. Oh well, I mixed the marinade and added the ingredients to it as I chopped them up. It worked. I didn't have chile-lime hot sauce, so I just left it out and added some worchestershire (mmmm). I didn't grill this time and used the cast iron on the stove. Worked great and also a hit with the fam...so delish! Only drawback...no leftovers. :(

Tomorrow I'm trying cauliflower pizza bites, so I'll hold off on posting until I see how it goes. If you have recipes that are your go-to's and fit my criteria of being inexpensive, fairly easy to prepare, kid-friendly and somewhat healthy, please share!!!

A God of Great Detail

On Wednesday evening, we had the awesome privilege to attend a scroll show. Although we have an extensive connection with it, we have never been in the right place at the right time to see it for ourselves. My mom's cousin, Charles, is the executive director for an organization in Cleburne, TX called the Christian Heritage Foundation. You can learn more about all the amazing things they do here. One of the cool things that we got to see this week is the Ancient Hebrew Scroll Project. They travel to various churches across the country with a full collection of scrolls and share incredible stories about how the collection was put together and the scrolls themselves. It was such a tremendous blessing to hear about it all. We have heard about the scroll shows for a while and my parents have even travelled with Charles, Ruth, Mary Ann and Rabbi Marty. Several years ago, Charles gifted us with a beautifully framed piece of a scroll, and Brandon was just saying the other day that it is the most exquisite and priceless possession we have. It has always been so meaningful to us, but now that I understand more about the process I can appreciate and treasure it on a new level.

I will not try to retell the stories we heard, because I wouldn't do it justice. I do encourage you to check out the website and the schedule of where they will be and do what you have to do to attend. For my Gruver peeps, keep your eyes and ears open, because there's a rumor that they may be coming to a venue near you.

The subject of this post originated as I was listening to Rabbi Marty explain how the scribes write a scroll. There are so many steps and specific stipulations. It takes so much time, and it has to be just so in every way. They can't do any of it by memory, but it must be copied, letter for letter, from another scroll, which has already been through the rigorous process. From the kind of pen and ink that must be used to the size of each letter, to stopping everything and announcing it each time before the holiest name of God is written. Once it's finished, many months later, every letter is counted three times by three different scribes and they must come up with the same number, which is something like over 300,000. Out of complete reverence for the Word of God and honoring Him by taking such great care with it, it is their life's work to make sure it is exactly right.

So, of course, as you can imagine, this got me to thinking. Our God is a God of great detail. We use the phrase 'great detail', and it's interesting because when you really think about it, it's an oxymoron. Great describes something as large, unusual or considerable in degree, power, intensity. Details are individual, minute parts of something bigger. We usually think of details as being small and secondary even to what is more important...the big stuff. This contradiction is why I think it's such a suitable description for one attribute of God. He is great, big, powerful and almighty, AND He is also keenly aware of and interested in the details of our lives.

On days that I feel like maybe God has forgotten about me or it must have slipped His mind to work out something in my life, it's very important for me to remember this. I think it's easy for us to assume that God has enough to do without worrying about little ole me or that my problems don't matter. The only problem with that assumption is that it's a lie. It does matter. It matters to the One who matters more than anyone.

Yesterday, as I was working on a project that required very careful attention to detail, it provided another insight to me about the details of my life being a priority to God. Not only has God not forgotten about my situation or suddenly become carelessly aloof or indifferent, but He has a plan for me down to the very last minute detail. He knew before I was born that I would experience these exact circumstances. He knows today what will be accomplished in me, through this, years down the road. He knows my every need, better than I do, and He provides above and beyond basic necessity. He even cares enough to know when I'm having a hard day and puts it on someone's heart and mind to call, write or pray to encourage me. I am not only remembered, but I am deeply loved, sacrificially offered salvation and perfectly cared for by the One who made me. And so are you.

As I was working on my project, Times by Tenth Avenue North came on, and for the first time I really listened to the words. Amazing song. Here are some of the lyrics that really spoke to me and you can listen to the whole song here.

I hear you say

My love is over

It's underneath

It's inside

It's in between

The times that you doubt me

When you can't feel

The times that you question

Is this for real?

The times you're broken

The times that you mend

The times you hate me

And the times that you bend

Well my love is over

It's underneath

It's inside

It's in between

The times that you're healing

And when your heart breaks

The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace

The times that you're hurting

The times that you heal

The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal

In times of confusion

In chaos in pain

I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame

I'm there through your heart-ache

I'm there in the storm

My love I will keep you by my power alone

I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been

I'll never forsake you

My love never ends

It never ends

Our God is not a God who creates chaos and disorder, but He is bigger than any of it in our lives. So, whatever you are experiencing that may be making you feel out of control, forgotten or lost, lay your burdens at His feet and allow Him to fill you with His peace and joy, like He desperately longs to do for His own.

The Incline of Life

One Step at a Time

As we began to ascend the Manitou Springs Incline this morning (one mile straight up the mountain, basically), I slightly dreaded what was ahead. This was a repeat for me, so I knew it wasn't going to be easy. I also knew I was capable of getting to the top. The only difference between this time and the first was my perspective. From the beginning of today's climb, I chose to focus, not on the vertical path stretching above me, but on each individual step in front of me. One at a time. When we will ourselves to simply focus on what's right in front of us, instead of becoming overwhelmed with what is beyond, we do ourselves a service. This renewed vision promptly moves the desired outcome within reach and takes us one step closer to the goal.

"The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way." Psalm 37:23

The Importance of Goal-Setting

Once we were well past the bail-out point on the trail and slowly trekking to the false summit (one of my least favorite phrases), I was struggling with soreness, fatigue and shortness of breath. When I focused on the struggle, it tempted me to want to stop, sit down and rest. So, I started to set goals for myself and zeroed in on those. I would choose a point, a landmark, and not allow myself to stop and rest until I reached it. The goal was always far enough to be a challenge, but close enough to be obtainable. Other times I counted steps, sometimes 10 at a time, sometimes 50 or 100. In any case, whatever the next short-term goal, it achieved progress and got me closer to the top.

"Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised." Hebrews 10:35-36

Clear Vision

I would go back and forth between putting on and taking off my sunglasses. It's just a completely different clarity, depending on the conditions. If the sun is bright and in my eyes, I need the protection of dark lenses to enable me to clearly see and have sure footing. In the same way, there are conditions in our lives that detract from true focus and accurate direction. They threaten to blind and distract us, and we need protection, by means of guarding our eyes and keeping them on the path in front of us, so we are able to finish the task at hand.

However, there were times when it was actually easier to see without sunglasses. When the sky became cloudy, they made it too dark. As I looked down at where I was stepping, I could be seeing part of the path through the lenses and part of it under them, and it fractured my perspective making it more difficult to stay balanced and not fall. We have been entrusted with various gifts and tools to use, but it is greatly important that we know when and how to use them.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-2

Steady or Speedy

There is a time and a need for both slow and steady, as well as making bigger, quicker leaps. There are situations that call for patience and others that require action. Personally, I'm much more apt to act than wait. When it comes to physical endurance, I rely much more often on bursts of energy with rest in between rather than a constant pace. There are uses for interval training that prepares us, so when the circumstances that ask us to respond with action arise, we are ready. I think, though, that more often we are petitioned to keep going at a rate that is moving but at the same time waiting and not knowing exactly where we are headed. Patience produces more insight over time. It creates wisdom and understanding that is deep below the surface of what a reaction can suffice. I'm a bigger fan of the intervals because they are easier in the moment. In the long run, I desperately desire to acquire what the steadfast momentum yields. 

"Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in all the earth!" Psalm 46:10

Arrival

The feeling of arriving at a goal is almost indescribable. When you have the ability to look back and see how far you've come, there is a gratitude beyond comparison. The realization of a task completed immediately obliterates, even if it's short-lived, the pain and struggles that it took to get there. All at once, it's suddenly worth it and we'd do it all over again. This is why it is essential that we cling to moments of victory; they will likely be what we hold onto and are energized by when we are standing on the edge of defeat.

"Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own." Philippians 3:12

May-bert Family Hike: A Culmination

A couple of days ago, four of us set out on a trail to Crystal Lake. We were staying in a house just down the road from the trailhead, and Brandon discovered it one morning. None of us had ever been, so we decided to try it. My brother, sister-in-law, husband and I (the Mayhew's and Gilbert's, aka May-bert's). It was not a fourteener, and we barely had to drive to get to the trail, so it was hard to see it as a serious journey, in comparison to some we've done in the past. It was exciting, though, because it was new to every one of us. We were anxious to see what it would be like and where it would end.

About eight months ago, the same four of us began a journey together in a similar mindset, not really knowing where it would lead. We merged our two families together under the same household. It was exciting, in a way, because it was new. At the same time, it didn't seem like such a big deal because we all knew it would be a temporary situation. I doubt any of us knew the magnitude of the lessons we would learn from life and from one another during this transformational time.

As we started up the road, the path was wide but also steep. There was plenty of shade from trees along both sides of the trail. When it comes to anything requiring physical exertion and the four of us, I will finish (mostly because I'm stubborn), but I will finish last. At the beginning, though, I was feeling really good and I led the way for a while. We were enjoying ourselves, looking at exotic wildflowers, the birds-eye view of Lake City and just spending time together. We knew it was a four-mile hike that would gain 3,000 feet, but since none of us had ever done it, it was difficult to judge how close we were along the way. After crossing water and hiking next to a meadow for a while, we entered a narrow trail through a grove of Aspens. It began to get tougher, longer and though it was beautiful, it was a little harder to enjoy with less oxygen.

We talked off and on, but the longer we went, the more silent it became. I began to wonder what the other three were thinking and then began to think about the journey the four of us have been on for a while together. When Brandon and I moved our family into Josh and Shauna's home, we definitely had expectations for what was next in our life, but not necessarily for this 'stop' on the way. We were (and are) beyond grateful for their generosity and the sacrifice of opening up their home to us, but there was no way to anticipate what we would gain, which has already exceeded our non-existent expectations.

There was no way to know that during the time that we were here together, we would all experience some of the toughest times we ever have. In our marriages, within our own individual struggles, in parenting and in relationships with family. We had no idea we would need one another the way we have. We did not realize that this 'stop along the way' was really full of purpose and God's perfect timing, in a way we never could have imagined. This really has been one of those moments that you recognize that the journey is actually the destination.

As the hike got harder, we would stop along the way to rest, make sure everyone was ok and would frequently change positions in the order in which we were making our way to the lake. There were many different kinds of terrain to maneuver, including dirt covered with Aspen leaves, large rocks, smaller gravel, trees that had fallen across the trail, and ALL of it was uphill.

The one constant that has remained, other than the obvious constance of God's presence, has been our dependence on each other. We have made ourselves available, encouraged, provided accountability, advice and always pointed each other to Christ. We have each taken our turn to lead by initiating tough conversations or follow by simply offering a listening ear.

God has gifted each of us in unique ways. Josh has an innate sense of direction, a great ability to navigate situations and read people and a strong, confidence that can lead and figure out a way. Shauna is strong, recognizes her weaknesses and dives right into working on them without fear, and is disciplined in health, studying God's Word and prioritizes her husband and son, with a deep desire to serve them. Brandon has such a sense of discernment, compassion for people and passion for truth to be exposed and shared. I just want everyone to get along and love each other, and I'm determined to see and help others see that no matter what happens, we must keep going. These unique areas of gifting have come into play on this 5-hour journey, as well as the 8-month journey. We compliment each other and help the others see a fresh perspective that isn't always easy, but it's definitely worth it.

As we continued along the path, I suddenly knew that this part of our journey together will be coming to an end soon. I don't know how it will come about or the day or hour, but I know that it's coming, and it is almost unbearably sad. As we were hiking (myself panting) up the trail, tears began to roll down my cheeks as I came to the realization that we will not get to have this amazing opportunity to be so geographically close forever, not even for much longer.

Finally, after 2 hours and 45 minutes, we arrived to what I can only describe as an other-worldly paradise. Crystal Lake was absolutely still and provided a perfect reflection of the beauty encompassing it. Not another soul in sight and only the sounds of wildlife kept us company. There was an island in the middle of the lake that looked like it was right out of a storybook. We sat at the picnic table to devour our food and then spent some time exploring, relaxing and just taking it all in. Brandon laid on the table and took a nap, Shauna took off her shoes and put her feet in the water, Josh took pictures and I walked around trying to decide what I would do if I encountered any huge wildlife. It was the epitome of escape, if only for a little while. Then, it was time to leave. The clouds were rolling in and the thunder was getting louder, and we knew we had to start back down. After a couple of group pictures, we begrudgingly gathered our stuff and began to make our way back. Out of this utopia and back to reality (as 'real' as Lake City feels anyway). We commented on how hard it was to leave such a beautiful place and then like a switch went off, our mindset changed. We had reached the destination, the high, and the direction our thoughts now took were about what time it was, how long it would take us to get back, would we get caught in rain? The BIG unknown of the journey was over and now it was just finishing what was left. We did encounter some rain, but most of it was shielded by trees. We also fought crazy swarms of mosquitos, to the point where Shauna and I looked like our arms had transformed into propellors and it's a miracle we made it down without losing our balance and getting seriously injured.

Once we made it down, there was a great sense of accomplishment, a satisfaction in the discovery of something new and majestic and an irreplaceable memory that symbolized, in a nutshell, what an incredible journey we have been on together. We are a family, and we will make so many more memories in the future. We will go through lots of ups and downs, mountain-top experiences and valley lows. But there will never be another day or another hike exactly like that one. When I think back to the night before, I was seriously contemplating not going. I had mosquito bites that were making me miserable and just didn't feel up to it. How sad it would have been to miss it! It reminded me of how Satan strives to distract us and redirect us from the journeys God would have us take. Although it may seem difficult or even impossible when you're standing at the bottom and looking up, the tougher the task, the greater the reward.

Navigating Motherhood & Other Insights

I'm definitely not claiming to be writing this post from an expert point of view. Let's define navigating in the sense of figuring it out as you go, making adjustments and learning from mistakes. Today has been beautifully difficult. My baby is one year old, and that is amazing and wonderful and hard to believe. God provided some really great insights and a deep sense of peace in the wee hours of the morning. Since we have been 'on vacation', and I use that phrase loosely (because all parents know that when you have your young children with you, well...you know), Luke has been waking up by 6am, which is at least an hour earlier than normal. So, every morning for 4 mornings now, in order to prevent disturbing everyone else in the house, we drive him around town for a while. The first two mornings Brandon and I went together, he went yesterday and let me sleep, and I went today and let him sleep. I mean, it is his birthday. So, Luke and I had a nice drive around the lake to see what we could see. What I saw was kind of incredible.

The first morning we went, we saw a doe and her twin fawns. It was so cool. They were across a pasture a little ways, but as we drove closer, the babies disappeared up into the woods and mama was cautiously on the lookout. Today, there was a deer and her very young baby on the road at the lake. As the vehicle approached, there was a moment of indecision and all at once, the adult went up into the trees and the fawn continued to bounce along down the road in front of me. They were separated. I was barely crawling along in the car, hoping to not startle the young one too much further away from the safety of mother's presence. It would stop and look back and then take off down the road again. I looked back to see the mother come down out of the trees to find her baby. She would slowly moved closer in the direction of the young one, but she wouldn't come around the vehicle, even though I was now at a dead stop. It went on like this for a few minutes. Then, finally, they made eye contact. The mother deer now went down the hill into the trees and a few seconds later, the fawn did the same. I was relieved and confident they were reunited shortly thereafter.

Spiritual Insights

1. As a mom, I immediately related to the situation from the obvious mother/child relationship perspective. Countless times I have worried about my kids, panicked about a perceived dangerous situation, been frustrated when they have not responded in a logical, obedient and common-sensical manner. If animals truly reasoned like humans, I believe I could've read mama deer's mind in those moments and said "I feel you, and I won't judge you if you need to discipline your child right now." Mothers are created with intuition and an innate need to protect our young. It isn't something that develops or is learned. It just happens. A baby is born and boom...so is a mama bear. Then, when that first 'incident' happens to set it off, watch out. The only spiritual insight I needed to extract from this perspective was to remind myself that God, my Father in Heaven is a protective parent who hates to see His child (me) hurt or put myself in harm's way. While He loves me unconditionally, He is also a perfect parent who exists above time and circumstances. He does not need to intervene for me in every instance, because He knows the outcome and He knows what I need. What I need is not intervention at every corner, but instead, it is the opportunity to develop wisdom, understanding and patience through my decisions, good and bad.
2. The second thing that occurred to me was a little disturbing and much more difficult to digest. Many times, let's be real, most times, I find myself as the vehicle, the obstacle in between the child and parent. When I envision God as the parent and I realistically consider the bond and relationship I so deeply desire to develop between my Savior and my precious children, I am forced to really examine my role. The things I say and do will effectually define my boys' opportunities to learn about God's character and His role in their lives, which is much more important than mine. When I worry about the little things for my kids (all the time), I am not providing any sense of peace for them. When I take on the burden of every detail of their futures, I am not exemplifying a trust in God to control the future (when only He can). When I lack patience and place unrealistic expectations on them, I am not teaching them about God's grace but indirectly instructing them in the ways of legalism. There is such a fine line, and behind each of these statements, a wealth of potential controversy and as many different opinions as people when it comes to parenting. What I know to be true in my heart is that it is important to seek balance in this area. It is a worthy cause to pursue an accurate understanding of my responsibility, and limits, as a parent, as well as trusting God, completely, with the things that are beyond my reach. I know one thing. I don't want to be an obstacle in my children's abilities to develop a deep and meaningful relationship and a correct understanding of their Savior. I want to be an example, an encourager and someone who constantly points them to Jesus and the cross in word and action.
3. My final insight, seemingly shallow, is actually profound when you're able to allow it to fully penetrate your being, which in my case, requires physical presence. (In other words, you kinda had to be there.) As I sat in my car and watched the wildlife, saw the mountains reflected in the lake and listened to my baby boy jibber-jabber from his carseat in the back, it hit me again, like it has so many times before. I am so small, and God is so big. He is a God of beauty and grace, justice and strength. He is an artist and He is full of love for His creation. I have this awesome opportunity to commune with God Almighty in intimate relationship, and I squander it more times than not. Every time I am here, surrounded by such exquisite grandeur, I am refreshed by the realization that this is what it means to worship. When something stirs within you and it can't be contained or contaminated, all you can do is sit back and know you are in the presence of the Almighty. 

Sacrificial Encouragement

Today has been long and exhausting. I have worn many different hats today with a job this morning, an interview this afternoon, a long to-do list in preparation to leave on vacation, a baby with fever...the list goes on, as you all know and can empathize. We had a little bit of time before dinner must be started, and my sweet husband said 'Why don't you go lay down for a little bit?' (Bless him for noticing I could barely keep my eyes open and was about to topple over.)

I go downstairs to lay down for an early evening power nap (as we still have a 9pm appointment on the calendar for today), and my eye catches some mail on the table. There's a Save the Date with an adorable couple on it and their wedding date (our anniversary). This couple is our 9:00 appointment tonight for pre-marital counseling over the phone. I see their smiling faces and immediately look forward to this precious time with them. Amidst the mail is a package addressed to me, and as I read the return name and address, I begin to get excited.

I tear into the package and find a sweet, autographed devotional book. But the true treasure is peeking out from inside the book. It's a handwritten letter from a sweet, dear friend and wise mentor. It's someone that I've been waiting to hear from for a while, but have also been patient, knowing that she is experiencing struggles of her own.

I laid on the bed and began reading the letter, feeling the excitement of a child with anticipation of what the pages would hold. I read, I cried and I said a prayer of thankfulness and petitioned for comfort for this amazing lady. I was instantly energized and no longer needed to rest.

There is something about knowing that someone is hurting and the impact they can have when they choose to reach out and touch others' lives anyway. That is the story of this woman's life and her heart.

I don't know if you will see this blog post, but if you do, you know who you are and I thank you. Thank you for your countless, selfless acts of kindness and encouragement. I am inspired by you and your example.

May we all seek to reach out to someone today who is hurting and offer vulnerability, encouragement, love and hope.

When the fog lifts...

As Calvin and I drove to the doctor this morning for his 4 year well check, there was thick fog. It was so difficult to see very far ahead, because visibility was bad. It immediately reminded me of life as we know it right now.

Yesterday was a rough day. It wasn't because anything bad happened or anything happened at all. Therein lies the problem. We have been stuck for eight months in a holding pattern. We have been stuck circumstantially, emotionally, spiritually and relationally. Of course there have been ups and downs in all of these areas along the way, but for the most part we have felt like we're in a rut that we just can't seem to escape. When we go on a trip or people come to visit, it allows us to take a break from our present reality. When the trip or visit ends, we are forced to return and face what's really happening...nothing. That's one of the reasons yesterday was such a discouraging day. My in-laws had been in town and we were 'on vacation' for a while. Let me back up and fill in some holes.

Early in 2013, Brandon and I began to discuss and pray about possibly leaving Fellowship Church and Lubbock. Brandon began to feel the tug and need to step away from ministry for a time. I began to feel an unsettled restlessness at my job/ministry that I loved. It was evident that God was beginning to move in our hearts to prepare us for something new. We just didn't know what. (Ironically, we still don't. At least not exactly.)

Throughout the year and circumstances and a lot of prayer, our path led to Colorado Springs. With a little fear and a giant step of faith, we both resigned our jobs, sold our house (very quickly) and received confirmation through various avenues that this was what we were supposed to do. One of the main reasons we ended up in Colorado is because we have family here who had space for us to live, opened their home to us and offered a place of respite and peace while we figured out what was next.

When we stepped out in faith alone, we didn't consciously or verbally express specific expectations, but we have come to learn that we definitely had them. We expected that Brandon would be able to find a decent job fairly quickly. We expected that this living situation would be somewhat short-term (6 months-ish). We expected that this time would be restful and a time of peaceful preparation for what God had in store. When you have expectations that go unmet, the result is always feelings of frustration, betrayal and even anger.

Eight months later, here we are. There has been exactly one interview and no job offers. We are daily tempted to despair and we fight it with every ounce of our beings. We have been through the gamut of emotions, good and bad. I'm not whining, complaining or asking for pity, because the fog reminded me this morning of something very important: we are exactly where we are supposed to be.

No part of this decision seems logical or practical. That's not really how Jesus tends to show us Himself. As I cautiously drove through the thick, misty fog, it occurred to me that this is where we are right now. We are unable to see what might be right in front of us or miles down the road and incapable of figuring out an answer on our own. We cannot control the future any more than we can control the weather. I trusted that the brakes on my car would do their job if I suddenly saw something in front of me. I also, at my core, trust that my God will provide clarity and direction in His perfect time. I don't have to like it or respond perfectly to it to believe the truth of it. The simple truth is that right now, for a great purpose, the next steps for us have not been revealed. We are operating day-to-day life in a heavy fog. Until God chooses to cause the fog to lift, we have no other choice.

However, spiritually, the fog is beginning to lift. Just as when I drove on and suddenly I could clearly see buildings, trees, mountains, other cars, God is allowing me to begin to see the beautiful works He is accomplishing in this process of waiting on Him. Last night Brandon and I sat down and did the last thing in the world we felt like doing. We composed a list of everything we could think of since we moved in November 2013 until today that showed us God's blessings and faithfulness in our lives. The list went on and on. It was easy to come up with numerous ways God proved Himself a keeper of promises. In about 20 minutes we listed 36 things off the top of our heads! We didn't stop because we ran out of things. We stopped because it was late and we were tired. We did commit to continue to add to this list and keep the faithfulness of God at the forefront of our minds, rather than the negative, discouraging thoughts that threaten to invade.

God is so good. And He's good, even when we can't see it.
He is ever faithful. And He's faithful, even when we don't feel like He is.
God is so loving. And He loves us at our worst.

So, as we look ahead, our focus remains on today and what we can see. We have hope in our hearts that the fog will lift, the sun will shine and God's perfect record of faithfulness will remain intact.

"For your steadfast love is great above the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the clouds." Psalm 108:4 

Timeless Seasons

I have always loved the changing seasons. I definitely have my favorite times of year, but it has always seemed that when the next season would roll around, I was ready for it to be here. I have specific associations with certain times of year and holidays, as I'm sure you all do. Fall is definitely a favorite for a lot of reasons. I love the colors of fall, crisp cool air, football games, beginning of the school year (yes, I'm a nerd), Thanksgiving, my wedding anniversary, pumpkins, changing colors of the leaves, and the list goes on and on. It is a season that seems to ease us into winter, and there are things I love and hate about winter. I LOVE snow, fires in the fireplace, skiing, the holiday season and by the end I'm cold and tired and ready for spring. Spring is new life, green, rain, and the beginning of warmer weather and going OUTSIDE. When you have young children who have been indoors for several months, being outside is very important to everyone's sanity. Spring smells amazing, especially in the mountains. Summer is hot. I don't love summer, but I love vacation and being with friends and family, celebrating the 4th, cooking out and watching my boys (all three of them) who love to play in the water. Then, the cycle continues, and at the end of summer, I am always ready for Fall again and the cool breezes it brings as a relief from the heat. 

Today, I finished a book and it enlightened me as to why I love the whole premise of seasons, change and the constancy of it all. We are all created with an understanding, however hidden it may be, of what it all represents. On the surface, it tends to only be changes in weather, different holidays and making wardrobe choices more difficult. However, it has a much deeper meaning that actually resides within our souls.

The way Francine Rivers depicts this symbolism is so beautiful in The Last Sin Eater (oh my gosh, if you haven't read this book, read it, now!):

The gift I needed had already been given; the evidence of it was all around me, everywhere I looked, even in the air I breathed. For hadn't it been God himself who had given me life and breath?

I kept thinking about Granny. I remembered how we'd sit on the porch, melting and waiting for the hot summer day to end in the relief of nightfall. In the thankful cool, we'd stare up into the infinite black sky with glitters twinkling while the lightning bugs sparkled like fallen stars in the woods round about us.

In the fall, Granny'd send me off to capture one monarch butterfly from the thousands that migrated. She'd hold the jar a long while just looking at the pretty thing. "From a worm this came. Don't that beat all?" And then she'd take the top off the jar and watch it flutter away.

First frost had been an event to Granny Forbes, for with it came the high mountain gold and the soft winds that stirred up blizzards of red, pink, orange, and yellow leaves swirling. "The maple's always last to give up its color," she'd aways say. The maple that grew near our cabin was like a red blaze against the encroaching winter gray skies,  its leaves like crimson sparks on the dead brown ground.

Granny would sit by the window during winter and look out at the snow heaping or watch the icicles' slow growth from the eaves of the front porch. They'd catch the sunlight and cast a rainbow radiance. Granny was ever hoarding bread crumbs and sending me out to toss them about near the window so that she could watch the towhees, titmice, red cardinals, and mourning doves foraging for the bits of food in the vast white. During the ice storms and long bleak nights of winter, she'd tell me the mountains were like sleeping giants that'd come awake again soon. "God'll see to it."

And God did. Those mountains always did wake up, without fail. Year after year, the earth came back to life again with what Granny called "God-green." She always said no matter how much you watered, you couldn't get the same color that came with a single rain of the life-bearing water of heaven.

Now I knew why it happened that way, what Granny was trying to show me in words she didn't have. It was no accident, no coincidence, that the seasons came round and round year after year. It was the Lord speaking to us all and showing us over and over again the birth, life, death, and resurrection of his only begotten Son, our Savior, Jesus Christ, our Lord. It was like a best-loved story being told day after day with each sunrise and sunset, year after year with the seasons, down through the ages since time began.

I knew after hearing the word of the Lord, I'd never walk anywhere again without seeing Jesus as a babe in the new-green of spring. I'd never see a field in all its glory without thinking how he lived his life for us in the royal robes of every summer wildflower. I'd ever see the greatness of his love in the beautiful sacrifice in the brilliant reds, oranges, and yellows of fall, and winter white would always speak to me of his death. And then spring again, his resurrection, life eternal.

I cannot say it any better, but I can identify with it, rest in it, rejoice in it and simply be thankful for it, everyday...no matter what the season, weather or circumstances of the moment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Vulnerability & Grace Undeserved

I have no choice but to write this tonight. There are many other things I ‘should’ be doing, with sleep at the top of the list. But when God lays something on your heart that will not let you rest until you share it, there is no other option.

About 6 years ago, Brandon and I were dating and on a mission trip in Thailand. It had been a pretty wild week. We had only been dating a few months and traveling internationally on a mission trip for the first time together will teach you a lot about each other very quickly. It can be a good thing, and it can be an extremely eye-opening experience. In our experience, Brandon learned some unattractive things about me. Still dealing with some past hurt, I was insecure in some areas and this unbecoming quality chose to reveal itself all at once, on this trip, in the form of jealousy, being needy and controlling. I mean, we had a designated balcony where we went to have ‘talks’ throughout the trip. Good thing we were only a few months into this thing and he could still get out! At least that’s what I was thinking. Instead, this is what happened. 

We were walking along the beach near our hotel on the last night of the trip. We were talking and reflecting on our time there, and I think we were both a little relieved that it was over in some ways. I was feeling a little dejected, embarrassed and ashamed because of how I had allowed major insecurities to get in the way of my focus on our purpose for being there. We stopped to look at the waves crashing onto the shore in the moonlight and Brandon looks at me and says (for the first time) “I love every bit of you.” Later, he clarified that what this really meant was I have seen all your crazy and I still love you. 

I was shocked. I was in complete and utter disbelief. And for this reason, I didn’t say anything. Neither did he. It was awkward. We walked back to the hotel in silence. We ended up on our special balcony, and I had finally had time to organize my thoughts. I asked him what was wrong. Ha. He said “Well, I kinda just put myself out there.” I told him to say it again, and he said “I put myself out there.” I told him “Not that.” Then, he smiled and said “I love you.” I immediately replied “I love you too!” We hugged and kissed and were really romantical, blah, blah, blah.

So, the things I have learned from this experience have been brought back to my attention over and over again. There is always a new take away. Tonight, I have recognized another one. 

Brandon was sweating, doubting and thinking maybe I didn’t really love him back. Most of us have been there before, and it’s not a pleasant place to be. What he didn’t know at the time was that I knew after our first date that he was the guy for me. I didn’t pause or hesitate because I wasn’t sure if I loved him. I was dumbfounded that he loved me, and he rendered me literally speechless (which is tough to do!). I was blown away, and felt unworthy because of what our week had looked like. Thankfully, my (now) husband was (and is) able to look past the problems bubbling to the surface and see me, my heart, who I really was. Not simply the symptoms of sin.

Guess what? Christ does the same thing. He doesn’t sit in the judgment seat throwing lighting bolts at us when we mess up. He intercedes for us before the Father out of great love for you and me. We are completely sinful and make mistakes all the time. Yet, God’s loving response is “I love every bit of you. I have not only seen your crazy, but I know your every thought and your heart’s true intentions and I love you still.” It should blow us away, every moment that we remember that we are intimately and passionately loved by Almighty Jesus. It should render us speechless, bring us to our knees, fill our hearts with joy and our eyes with tears of bliss that God loves us unconditionally, no matter what.

I am so grateful that my husband exemplifies the love of Christ to me in this way. He challenges me, pushes me, encourages me, pursues me and lovingly prods me to examine my heart. He also sets the example by doing these things himself. I know how fortunate I am to be blessed with such a rare and mighty man of God.

The truth is that we all have the opportunity to know this love, in its purest form, from the God who not only loves but is love. The only thing we must do to receive it is to reach out and accept the most precious gift anyone could ever hope to receive…undeserved grace.

When Life Gets Messy

As I stood at the sink tonight giving my precious baby boy a bath, I was getting water all over everything, including my shirt. The same shirt that I went hiking in earlier with my family, which got soaked in rain and sweat, as I carried Luke in a backpack carrier. The same shirt I wore as I cooked breakfast (wait, no, I was still in my pj's). The same shirt I wore as I went about my whole day playing, feeding and caring for my family. Now, we were nearing evening and yet more messes continued to be created. Immediately after sighing, a big smile spread across my face and I stopped thinking about the mess and focused on the precious, beautiful miracle in front of me as he splashed, smiled, laughed and talked to me. What a joy! Without being messy, what fun do we have? What do we learn? What do we do? We miss out...on living, on creating and on getting messy!

A couple of nights ago, Brandon was gone, and the boys and I made brownies. I was holding Luke in one arm, attempting to keep him from grabbing everything within reach. Calvin wanted to do it all, and just couldn't wait to crack the eggs. One cracked in his hands and he held it to his chest trying to keep it from going everywhere (which actually just made it worse). I couldn't help from just laughing out loud. We didn't even stop to clean it up. We just took off his shirt and kept going! Once the brownies were in the oven and the baby was in bed, my shirtless little boy sat at the table eating brownie batter from the bowl and my heart overflowed with joy. What sweet moments I would have missed if I had reacted in anger, frustration or stress over a small thing like an egg cracked and spilled on the floor! It's definitely not just about me. My children are watching how I will respond to situations and they take their cues from us. I want to teach them that it's ok to get messy and it's ok to mess up. It's inevitable. The importance lies in what we do with it and what we allow God to do in us through the mess.

I read an excerpt today from Good Morning Girls's Whitney. I'm not doing the current bible study, but I've done many of them and if you have never checked them out, I strongly encourage you to do it: Click here or find them on Facebook. AH-MA-ZING! Anyway, this is from today's blog post:

"I've learned over the years that all-together people don't exist. And I've also learned that even if they did, I don't want to be one of them. In my weakness, I've seen more of Christ, and He is more beautiful than before. I've watched Him weave this grace-laced story--messy and twisted underneath--into a magnificent, intentional and clearer presentation for the world to see more of Jesus in me. I've learned that the world doesn't need one more fake all-together Jesus-follower. The world just needs Jesus." ~Whitney

I like order and organization. I don't mind cleaning, but I don't love a huge mess that I know I will have to clean up later (especially if I just cleaned that space). But when I read these beautiful, simple words that Whitney penned, full of truth and grace, how can I not want to be a mess that Christ can transform into something exquisite?

So, whether it's an accident when my 3-year-old spills his entire plate of food in his lap and all over the floor because he's learning independence (and I'm learning patience). Or, it's messy finances where God is truly teaching us to trust His provision and rely on His faithfulness. If it's a fight with a loved one and harsh words are spoken, God can teach us to forgive by borrowing from His abundance of grace and mercy. There is always a lesson, if we just pay attention.

In the tapestry of our lives, it's always messy underneath, and the sooner we realize that it's ok and accept it, the more quickly our vision and perspective will adjust to see the magnificent treasure that Christ is weaving our lives into on the other side. And when you're in what seem to be the messiest parts of life, hold onto hope, because when God is finished with it, that will be one of the most amazing masterpieces of all.

Homemaking Love

I definitely don't do homemaking in a dress

I cleaned someone else's home yesterday, and I came to an interesting conclusion. I think it takes courage to let someone come clean your house. You learn so much about people by being in their home. I definitely don't have anything to hide, but I'm somewhat of a private person and the thought of someone else going through every part of my home, even cleaning it (not the way I clean it), does not sit well with me.

I have had this rare opportunity to have some pretty eye-opening experiences in the past 7 months. One of those new experiences has been transitioning from career woman to full time stay at home wife/mom. Something that I didn't fully realize until yesterday was how much I love homemaking...making a home for my family. I love to clean and cook and do laundry. I love to give baths and grocery shop and find great deals on things we need. Don't get me wrong. I do not love every second of all these activities. I love the sense of accomplishment I feel when I've finished them and knowing that it is the small things I can do that meet my family's needs. If anything I do makes my husband and boys feel well taken care of and loved, it is well worth it. I am also not claiming to do any of these things perfectly...or without help. I am very particular about how some things are done...just ask my husband. There are pros and cons to this. The good thing about it is that if I get around to doing it, it will be done 'right'. The bad thing is that with a 3-year-old and an 11-month old, I don't always get around to it. And if I can't do it right and know that I'll get it finished, I'm not doing it. This results in a home that is either really clean and organized...or not.

I love that there are as many different ways to care for your family as there are wives and moms. Some hire someone to clean their home, and they have an amazing time making it messy together as a family. Some may not cook often, and they still make sure that their family is fed. Some may teach their 3-year-old to sort laundry and love it by turning it into a game. :) I love my guys, and it is a privilege to show my gratitude for the gifts they are in my life by serving them and providing a home that feels safe and is full of love and acceptance, no matter what that looks like for us. It gives cleaning toilets and wiping bottoms a whole new purpose.

Navigating Tolerance & Truth

The other day on a run, a song I hadn't heard in a long time made its way on my playlist. One thing I love about running and listening to music, despite those of you who say I'm missing out on hearing nature (aka my heavy breathing), is that I really pay attention to lyrics that I've never really heard before. So...Jennifer Knapp. My friend, Amanda, and I loved her. We went to Nashville when we were in high school to visit a couple of universities. We just happen to learn about a concert happening in the Ryman Auditorium while we were there and Jennifer Knapp was one of many artists performing. We were ecstatic.

The lyrics of her albums we used to listen to are so great. The song that was playing on my run was In the Name. The lyrics that really stood out to me were these from the chorus: To each his own won't lead you home. Such a small statement with a huge message. We have heard the message of tolerance preached for years. You can have you beliefs, but don't infringe on others' beliefs. Don't force your beliefs on others. Don't speak your beliefs too loudly, because you might make someone else feel bad or *gasp* be accused of being judgmental. The funny thing is that this message of tolerance (or accusation of intolerance) is directed at Christians, but apparently doesn't apply to those who have nothing but intolerance for biblical beliefs. The thing that saddens me about this is that Christians who love Jesus and love people do not tend to 'force' their beliefs on others. Although they get unfairly generalized into this category, they are more likely to share with others out of love for them and a desire for them to know truth. Another verse of the same song says this: You can hold onto your philosophy, Of what's mine is mine and what's yours is yours, but what's the truth?

On Sunday, Phil preached an incredible sermon out of John 8 and talked about knowing and abiding in truth will lead to freedom. The analogy he used was brilliant. He had lopped off a branch of an evergreen tree and explained the freedom dilemma of the branch this way, relative to our own freedom, or lack thereof. While the branch was attached to the tree, it didn't appear to have freedom. It couldn't go anywhere, except for swaying back and forth in the wind. Once it was cut off from the tree, it could go anywhere it wanted to go. From the outside, and by the world's standards, this branch was finally free. However, where we see an illusion of freedom, God sees something different. Cut off from the source of life, this branch was now dying. When it was part of the tree, it had the ability to produce sap, pinecones, shade. Now, it could do none of those things. In the same way, we have a hard time understanding that being a slave to Christ means freedom. The truth is, we have a choice. We can choose to be a slave to Christ, which enables us to walk in our gifts and what we were created to do, while bearing spiritual fruit and having joy and peace that passes all understanding. Or, we can choose to be a slave to sin, living a life filled with empty promises and a lot of heartache.

So, what's the truth? Well, the truth is that if we live by the principle of tolerance and neglect to share the gospel with others out of love, then we begin to see that tolerance is actually very unloving. The truth is that we can be nice to people and politically correct all day long, but if we keep THE TRUTH from them, then we aren't really loving them.

Ironically, Jennifer Knapp wrote songs filled with conviction and the truth of scripture until she came out in 2002, and announced her sexual orientation and homosexual lifestyle to the world. Her mission is now to travel and sing songs and give lectures about tolerance for the LGBT lifestyle in Christian communities. Somewhere along the way, she lost sight of the truth of scripture. I am so thankful that God used the amazing gifts and abilities He gave her to communicate His truth through her music when He did. He's still using it to influence me today.

Love God. Love People. Seek Truth.