Yesterday was a rough day. It wasn't because anything bad happened or anything happened at all. Therein lies the problem. We have been stuck for eight months in a holding pattern. We have been stuck circumstantially, emotionally, spiritually and relationally. Of course there have been ups and downs in all of these areas along the way, but for the most part we have felt like we're in a rut that we just can't seem to escape. When we go on a trip or people come to visit, it allows us to take a break from our present reality. When the trip or visit ends, we are forced to return and face what's really happening...nothing. That's one of the reasons yesterday was such a discouraging day. My in-laws had been in town and we were 'on vacation' for a while. Let me back up and fill in some holes.
Early in 2013, Brandon and I began to discuss and pray about possibly leaving Fellowship Church and Lubbock. Brandon began to feel the tug and need to step away from ministry for a time. I began to feel an unsettled restlessness at my job/ministry that I loved. It was evident that God was beginning to move in our hearts to prepare us for something new. We just didn't know what. (Ironically, we still don't. At least not exactly.)
Throughout the year and circumstances and a lot of prayer, our path led to Colorado Springs. With a little fear and a giant step of faith, we both resigned our jobs, sold our house (very quickly) and received confirmation through various avenues that this was what we were supposed to do. One of the main reasons we ended up in Colorado is because we have family here who had space for us to live, opened their home to us and offered a place of respite and peace while we figured out what was next.
When we stepped out in faith alone, we didn't consciously or verbally express specific expectations, but we have come to learn that we definitely had them. We expected that Brandon would be able to find a decent job fairly quickly. We expected that this living situation would be somewhat short-term (6 months-ish). We expected that this time would be restful and a time of peaceful preparation for what God had in store. When you have expectations that go unmet, the result is always feelings of frustration, betrayal and even anger.
Eight months later, here we are. There has been exactly one interview and no job offers. We are daily tempted to despair and we fight it with every ounce of our beings. We have been through the gamut of emotions, good and bad. I'm not whining, complaining or asking for pity, because the fog reminded me this morning of something very important: we are exactly where we are supposed to be.
No part of this decision seems logical or practical. That's not really how Jesus tends to show us Himself. As I cautiously drove through the thick, misty fog, it occurred to me that this is where we are right now. We are unable to see what might be right in front of us or miles down the road and incapable of figuring out an answer on our own. We cannot control the future any more than we can control the weather. I trusted that the brakes on my car would do their job if I suddenly saw something in front of me. I also, at my core, trust that my God will provide clarity and direction in His perfect time. I don't have to like it or respond perfectly to it to believe the truth of it. The simple truth is that right now, for a great purpose, the next steps for us have not been revealed. We are operating day-to-day life in a heavy fog. Until God chooses to cause the fog to lift, we have no other choice.
However, spiritually, the fog is beginning to lift. Just as when I drove on and suddenly I could clearly see buildings, trees, mountains, other cars, God is allowing me to begin to see the beautiful works He is accomplishing in this process of waiting on Him. Last night Brandon and I sat down and did the last thing in the world we felt like doing. We composed a list of everything we could think of since we moved in November 2013 until today that showed us God's blessings and faithfulness in our lives. The list went on and on. It was easy to come up with numerous ways God proved Himself a keeper of promises. In about 20 minutes we listed 36 things off the top of our heads! We didn't stop because we ran out of things. We stopped because it was late and we were tired. We did commit to continue to add to this list and keep the faithfulness of God at the forefront of our minds, rather than the negative, discouraging thoughts that threaten to invade.
God is so good. And He's good, even when we can't see it.
He is ever faithful. And He's faithful, even when we don't feel like He is.
God is so loving. And He loves us at our worst.
So, as we look ahead, our focus remains on today and what we can see. We have hope in our hearts that the fog will lift, the sun will shine and God's perfect record of faithfulness will remain intact.
"For your steadfast love is great above the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the clouds." Psalm 108:4
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