Navigating Motherhood & Other Insights

I'm definitely not claiming to be writing this post from an expert point of view. Let's define navigating in the sense of figuring it out as you go, making adjustments and learning from mistakes. Today has been beautifully difficult. My baby is one year old, and that is amazing and wonderful and hard to believe. God provided some really great insights and a deep sense of peace in the wee hours of the morning. Since we have been 'on vacation', and I use that phrase loosely (because all parents know that when you have your young children with you, well...you know), Luke has been waking up by 6am, which is at least an hour earlier than normal. So, every morning for 4 mornings now, in order to prevent disturbing everyone else in the house, we drive him around town for a while. The first two mornings Brandon and I went together, he went yesterday and let me sleep, and I went today and let him sleep. I mean, it is his birthday. So, Luke and I had a nice drive around the lake to see what we could see. What I saw was kind of incredible.

The first morning we went, we saw a doe and her twin fawns. It was so cool. They were across a pasture a little ways, but as we drove closer, the babies disappeared up into the woods and mama was cautiously on the lookout. Today, there was a deer and her very young baby on the road at the lake. As the vehicle approached, there was a moment of indecision and all at once, the adult went up into the trees and the fawn continued to bounce along down the road in front of me. They were separated. I was barely crawling along in the car, hoping to not startle the young one too much further away from the safety of mother's presence. It would stop and look back and then take off down the road again. I looked back to see the mother come down out of the trees to find her baby. She would slowly moved closer in the direction of the young one, but she wouldn't come around the vehicle, even though I was now at a dead stop. It went on like this for a few minutes. Then, finally, they made eye contact. The mother deer now went down the hill into the trees and a few seconds later, the fawn did the same. I was relieved and confident they were reunited shortly thereafter.

Spiritual Insights

1. As a mom, I immediately related to the situation from the obvious mother/child relationship perspective. Countless times I have worried about my kids, panicked about a perceived dangerous situation, been frustrated when they have not responded in a logical, obedient and common-sensical manner. If animals truly reasoned like humans, I believe I could've read mama deer's mind in those moments and said "I feel you, and I won't judge you if you need to discipline your child right now." Mothers are created with intuition and an innate need to protect our young. It isn't something that develops or is learned. It just happens. A baby is born and boom...so is a mama bear. Then, when that first 'incident' happens to set it off, watch out. The only spiritual insight I needed to extract from this perspective was to remind myself that God, my Father in Heaven is a protective parent who hates to see His child (me) hurt or put myself in harm's way. While He loves me unconditionally, He is also a perfect parent who exists above time and circumstances. He does not need to intervene for me in every instance, because He knows the outcome and He knows what I need. What I need is not intervention at every corner, but instead, it is the opportunity to develop wisdom, understanding and patience through my decisions, good and bad.
2. The second thing that occurred to me was a little disturbing and much more difficult to digest. Many times, let's be real, most times, I find myself as the vehicle, the obstacle in between the child and parent. When I envision God as the parent and I realistically consider the bond and relationship I so deeply desire to develop between my Savior and my precious children, I am forced to really examine my role. The things I say and do will effectually define my boys' opportunities to learn about God's character and His role in their lives, which is much more important than mine. When I worry about the little things for my kids (all the time), I am not providing any sense of peace for them. When I take on the burden of every detail of their futures, I am not exemplifying a trust in God to control the future (when only He can). When I lack patience and place unrealistic expectations on them, I am not teaching them about God's grace but indirectly instructing them in the ways of legalism. There is such a fine line, and behind each of these statements, a wealth of potential controversy and as many different opinions as people when it comes to parenting. What I know to be true in my heart is that it is important to seek balance in this area. It is a worthy cause to pursue an accurate understanding of my responsibility, and limits, as a parent, as well as trusting God, completely, with the things that are beyond my reach. I know one thing. I don't want to be an obstacle in my children's abilities to develop a deep and meaningful relationship and a correct understanding of their Savior. I want to be an example, an encourager and someone who constantly points them to Jesus and the cross in word and action.
3. My final insight, seemingly shallow, is actually profound when you're able to allow it to fully penetrate your being, which in my case, requires physical presence. (In other words, you kinda had to be there.) As I sat in my car and watched the wildlife, saw the mountains reflected in the lake and listened to my baby boy jibber-jabber from his carseat in the back, it hit me again, like it has so many times before. I am so small, and God is so big. He is a God of beauty and grace, justice and strength. He is an artist and He is full of love for His creation. I have this awesome opportunity to commune with God Almighty in intimate relationship, and I squander it more times than not. Every time I am here, surrounded by such exquisite grandeur, I am refreshed by the realization that this is what it means to worship. When something stirs within you and it can't be contained or contaminated, all you can do is sit back and know you are in the presence of the Almighty.