I have no choice but to write this tonight. There are many other things I ‘should’ be doing, with sleep at the top of the list. But when God lays something on your heart that will not let you rest until you share it, there is no other option.
About 6 years ago, Brandon and I were dating and on a mission trip in Thailand. It had been a pretty wild week. We had only been dating a few months and traveling internationally on a mission trip for the first time together will teach you a lot about each other very quickly. It can be a good thing, and it can be an extremely eye-opening experience. In our experience, Brandon learned some unattractive things about me. Still dealing with some past hurt, I was insecure in some areas and this unbecoming quality chose to reveal itself all at once, on this trip, in the form of jealousy, being needy and controlling. I mean, we had a designated balcony where we went to have ‘talks’ throughout the trip. Good thing we were only a few months into this thing and he could still get out! At least that’s what I was thinking. Instead, this is what happened.
We were walking along the beach near our hotel on the last night of the trip. We were talking and reflecting on our time there, and I think we were both a little relieved that it was over in some ways. I was feeling a little dejected, embarrassed and ashamed because of how I had allowed major insecurities to get in the way of my focus on our purpose for being there. We stopped to look at the waves crashing onto the shore in the moonlight and Brandon looks at me and says (for the first time) “I love every bit of you.” Later, he clarified that what this really meant was I have seen all your crazy and I still love you.
I was shocked. I was in complete and utter disbelief. And for this reason, I didn’t say anything. Neither did he. It was awkward. We walked back to the hotel in silence. We ended up on our special balcony, and I had finally had time to organize my thoughts. I asked him what was wrong. Ha. He said “Well, I kinda just put myself out there.” I told him to say it again, and he said “I put myself out there.” I told him “Not that.” Then, he smiled and said “I love you.” I immediately replied “I love you too!” We hugged and kissed and were really romantical, blah, blah, blah.
So, the things I have learned from this experience have been brought back to my attention over and over again. There is always a new take away. Tonight, I have recognized another one.
Brandon was sweating, doubting and thinking maybe I didn’t really love him back. Most of us have been there before, and it’s not a pleasant place to be. What he didn’t know at the time was that I knew after our first date that he was the guy for me. I didn’t pause or hesitate because I wasn’t sure if I loved him. I was dumbfounded that he loved me, and he rendered me literally speechless (which is tough to do!). I was blown away, and felt unworthy because of what our week had looked like. Thankfully, my (now) husband was (and is) able to look past the problems bubbling to the surface and see me, my heart, who I really was. Not simply the symptoms of sin.
Guess what? Christ does the same thing. He doesn’t sit in the judgment seat throwing lighting bolts at us when we mess up. He intercedes for us before the Father out of great love for you and me. We are completely sinful and make mistakes all the time. Yet, God’s loving response is “I love every bit of you. I have not only seen your crazy, but I know your every thought and your heart’s true intentions and I love you still.” It should blow us away, every moment that we remember that we are intimately and passionately loved by Almighty Jesus. It should render us speechless, bring us to our knees, fill our hearts with joy and our eyes with tears of bliss that God loves us unconditionally, no matter what.
I am so grateful that my husband exemplifies the love of Christ to me in this way. He challenges me, pushes me, encourages me, pursues me and lovingly prods me to examine my heart. He also sets the example by doing these things himself. I know how fortunate I am to be blessed with such a rare and mighty man of God.
The truth is that we all have the opportunity to know this love, in its purest form, from the God who not only loves but is love. The only thing we must do to receive it is to reach out and accept the most precious gift anyone could ever hope to receive…undeserved grace.
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