The Incline of Life

One Step at a Time

As we began to ascend the Manitou Springs Incline this morning (one mile straight up the mountain, basically), I slightly dreaded what was ahead. This was a repeat for me, so I knew it wasn't going to be easy. I also knew I was capable of getting to the top. The only difference between this time and the first was my perspective. From the beginning of today's climb, I chose to focus, not on the vertical path stretching above me, but on each individual step in front of me. One at a time. When we will ourselves to simply focus on what's right in front of us, instead of becoming overwhelmed with what is beyond, we do ourselves a service. This renewed vision promptly moves the desired outcome within reach and takes us one step closer to the goal.

"The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way." Psalm 37:23

The Importance of Goal-Setting

Once we were well past the bail-out point on the trail and slowly trekking to the false summit (one of my least favorite phrases), I was struggling with soreness, fatigue and shortness of breath. When I focused on the struggle, it tempted me to want to stop, sit down and rest. So, I started to set goals for myself and zeroed in on those. I would choose a point, a landmark, and not allow myself to stop and rest until I reached it. The goal was always far enough to be a challenge, but close enough to be obtainable. Other times I counted steps, sometimes 10 at a time, sometimes 50 or 100. In any case, whatever the next short-term goal, it achieved progress and got me closer to the top.

"Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised." Hebrews 10:35-36

Clear Vision

I would go back and forth between putting on and taking off my sunglasses. It's just a completely different clarity, depending on the conditions. If the sun is bright and in my eyes, I need the protection of dark lenses to enable me to clearly see and have sure footing. In the same way, there are conditions in our lives that detract from true focus and accurate direction. They threaten to blind and distract us, and we need protection, by means of guarding our eyes and keeping them on the path in front of us, so we are able to finish the task at hand.

However, there were times when it was actually easier to see without sunglasses. When the sky became cloudy, they made it too dark. As I looked down at where I was stepping, I could be seeing part of the path through the lenses and part of it under them, and it fractured my perspective making it more difficult to stay balanced and not fall. We have been entrusted with various gifts and tools to use, but it is greatly important that we know when and how to use them.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-2

Steady or Speedy

There is a time and a need for both slow and steady, as well as making bigger, quicker leaps. There are situations that call for patience and others that require action. Personally, I'm much more apt to act than wait. When it comes to physical endurance, I rely much more often on bursts of energy with rest in between rather than a constant pace. There are uses for interval training that prepares us, so when the circumstances that ask us to respond with action arise, we are ready. I think, though, that more often we are petitioned to keep going at a rate that is moving but at the same time waiting and not knowing exactly where we are headed. Patience produces more insight over time. It creates wisdom and understanding that is deep below the surface of what a reaction can suffice. I'm a bigger fan of the intervals because they are easier in the moment. In the long run, I desperately desire to acquire what the steadfast momentum yields. 

"Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in all the earth!" Psalm 46:10

Arrival

The feeling of arriving at a goal is almost indescribable. When you have the ability to look back and see how far you've come, there is a gratitude beyond comparison. The realization of a task completed immediately obliterates, even if it's short-lived, the pain and struggles that it took to get there. All at once, it's suddenly worth it and we'd do it all over again. This is why it is essential that we cling to moments of victory; they will likely be what we hold onto and are energized by when we are standing on the edge of defeat.

"Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own." Philippians 3:12

May-bert Family Hike: A Culmination

A couple of days ago, four of us set out on a trail to Crystal Lake. We were staying in a house just down the road from the trailhead, and Brandon discovered it one morning. None of us had ever been, so we decided to try it. My brother, sister-in-law, husband and I (the Mayhew's and Gilbert's, aka May-bert's). It was not a fourteener, and we barely had to drive to get to the trail, so it was hard to see it as a serious journey, in comparison to some we've done in the past. It was exciting, though, because it was new to every one of us. We were anxious to see what it would be like and where it would end.

About eight months ago, the same four of us began a journey together in a similar mindset, not really knowing where it would lead. We merged our two families together under the same household. It was exciting, in a way, because it was new. At the same time, it didn't seem like such a big deal because we all knew it would be a temporary situation. I doubt any of us knew the magnitude of the lessons we would learn from life and from one another during this transformational time.

As we started up the road, the path was wide but also steep. There was plenty of shade from trees along both sides of the trail. When it comes to anything requiring physical exertion and the four of us, I will finish (mostly because I'm stubborn), but I will finish last. At the beginning, though, I was feeling really good and I led the way for a while. We were enjoying ourselves, looking at exotic wildflowers, the birds-eye view of Lake City and just spending time together. We knew it was a four-mile hike that would gain 3,000 feet, but since none of us had ever done it, it was difficult to judge how close we were along the way. After crossing water and hiking next to a meadow for a while, we entered a narrow trail through a grove of Aspens. It began to get tougher, longer and though it was beautiful, it was a little harder to enjoy with less oxygen.

We talked off and on, but the longer we went, the more silent it became. I began to wonder what the other three were thinking and then began to think about the journey the four of us have been on for a while together. When Brandon and I moved our family into Josh and Shauna's home, we definitely had expectations for what was next in our life, but not necessarily for this 'stop' on the way. We were (and are) beyond grateful for their generosity and the sacrifice of opening up their home to us, but there was no way to anticipate what we would gain, which has already exceeded our non-existent expectations.

There was no way to know that during the time that we were here together, we would all experience some of the toughest times we ever have. In our marriages, within our own individual struggles, in parenting and in relationships with family. We had no idea we would need one another the way we have. We did not realize that this 'stop along the way' was really full of purpose and God's perfect timing, in a way we never could have imagined. This really has been one of those moments that you recognize that the journey is actually the destination.

As the hike got harder, we would stop along the way to rest, make sure everyone was ok and would frequently change positions in the order in which we were making our way to the lake. There were many different kinds of terrain to maneuver, including dirt covered with Aspen leaves, large rocks, smaller gravel, trees that had fallen across the trail, and ALL of it was uphill.

The one constant that has remained, other than the obvious constance of God's presence, has been our dependence on each other. We have made ourselves available, encouraged, provided accountability, advice and always pointed each other to Christ. We have each taken our turn to lead by initiating tough conversations or follow by simply offering a listening ear.

God has gifted each of us in unique ways. Josh has an innate sense of direction, a great ability to navigate situations and read people and a strong, confidence that can lead and figure out a way. Shauna is strong, recognizes her weaknesses and dives right into working on them without fear, and is disciplined in health, studying God's Word and prioritizes her husband and son, with a deep desire to serve them. Brandon has such a sense of discernment, compassion for people and passion for truth to be exposed and shared. I just want everyone to get along and love each other, and I'm determined to see and help others see that no matter what happens, we must keep going. These unique areas of gifting have come into play on this 5-hour journey, as well as the 8-month journey. We compliment each other and help the others see a fresh perspective that isn't always easy, but it's definitely worth it.

As we continued along the path, I suddenly knew that this part of our journey together will be coming to an end soon. I don't know how it will come about or the day or hour, but I know that it's coming, and it is almost unbearably sad. As we were hiking (myself panting) up the trail, tears began to roll down my cheeks as I came to the realization that we will not get to have this amazing opportunity to be so geographically close forever, not even for much longer.

Finally, after 2 hours and 45 minutes, we arrived to what I can only describe as an other-worldly paradise. Crystal Lake was absolutely still and provided a perfect reflection of the beauty encompassing it. Not another soul in sight and only the sounds of wildlife kept us company. There was an island in the middle of the lake that looked like it was right out of a storybook. We sat at the picnic table to devour our food and then spent some time exploring, relaxing and just taking it all in. Brandon laid on the table and took a nap, Shauna took off her shoes and put her feet in the water, Josh took pictures and I walked around trying to decide what I would do if I encountered any huge wildlife. It was the epitome of escape, if only for a little while. Then, it was time to leave. The clouds were rolling in and the thunder was getting louder, and we knew we had to start back down. After a couple of group pictures, we begrudgingly gathered our stuff and began to make our way back. Out of this utopia and back to reality (as 'real' as Lake City feels anyway). We commented on how hard it was to leave such a beautiful place and then like a switch went off, our mindset changed. We had reached the destination, the high, and the direction our thoughts now took were about what time it was, how long it would take us to get back, would we get caught in rain? The BIG unknown of the journey was over and now it was just finishing what was left. We did encounter some rain, but most of it was shielded by trees. We also fought crazy swarms of mosquitos, to the point where Shauna and I looked like our arms had transformed into propellors and it's a miracle we made it down without losing our balance and getting seriously injured.

Once we made it down, there was a great sense of accomplishment, a satisfaction in the discovery of something new and majestic and an irreplaceable memory that symbolized, in a nutshell, what an incredible journey we have been on together. We are a family, and we will make so many more memories in the future. We will go through lots of ups and downs, mountain-top experiences and valley lows. But there will never be another day or another hike exactly like that one. When I think back to the night before, I was seriously contemplating not going. I had mosquito bites that were making me miserable and just didn't feel up to it. How sad it would have been to miss it! It reminded me of how Satan strives to distract us and redirect us from the journeys God would have us take. Although it may seem difficult or even impossible when you're standing at the bottom and looking up, the tougher the task, the greater the reward.

Navigating Motherhood & Other Insights

I'm definitely not claiming to be writing this post from an expert point of view. Let's define navigating in the sense of figuring it out as you go, making adjustments and learning from mistakes. Today has been beautifully difficult. My baby is one year old, and that is amazing and wonderful and hard to believe. God provided some really great insights and a deep sense of peace in the wee hours of the morning. Since we have been 'on vacation', and I use that phrase loosely (because all parents know that when you have your young children with you, well...you know), Luke has been waking up by 6am, which is at least an hour earlier than normal. So, every morning for 4 mornings now, in order to prevent disturbing everyone else in the house, we drive him around town for a while. The first two mornings Brandon and I went together, he went yesterday and let me sleep, and I went today and let him sleep. I mean, it is his birthday. So, Luke and I had a nice drive around the lake to see what we could see. What I saw was kind of incredible.

The first morning we went, we saw a doe and her twin fawns. It was so cool. They were across a pasture a little ways, but as we drove closer, the babies disappeared up into the woods and mama was cautiously on the lookout. Today, there was a deer and her very young baby on the road at the lake. As the vehicle approached, there was a moment of indecision and all at once, the adult went up into the trees and the fawn continued to bounce along down the road in front of me. They were separated. I was barely crawling along in the car, hoping to not startle the young one too much further away from the safety of mother's presence. It would stop and look back and then take off down the road again. I looked back to see the mother come down out of the trees to find her baby. She would slowly moved closer in the direction of the young one, but she wouldn't come around the vehicle, even though I was now at a dead stop. It went on like this for a few minutes. Then, finally, they made eye contact. The mother deer now went down the hill into the trees and a few seconds later, the fawn did the same. I was relieved and confident they were reunited shortly thereafter.

Spiritual Insights

1. As a mom, I immediately related to the situation from the obvious mother/child relationship perspective. Countless times I have worried about my kids, panicked about a perceived dangerous situation, been frustrated when they have not responded in a logical, obedient and common-sensical manner. If animals truly reasoned like humans, I believe I could've read mama deer's mind in those moments and said "I feel you, and I won't judge you if you need to discipline your child right now." Mothers are created with intuition and an innate need to protect our young. It isn't something that develops or is learned. It just happens. A baby is born and boom...so is a mama bear. Then, when that first 'incident' happens to set it off, watch out. The only spiritual insight I needed to extract from this perspective was to remind myself that God, my Father in Heaven is a protective parent who hates to see His child (me) hurt or put myself in harm's way. While He loves me unconditionally, He is also a perfect parent who exists above time and circumstances. He does not need to intervene for me in every instance, because He knows the outcome and He knows what I need. What I need is not intervention at every corner, but instead, it is the opportunity to develop wisdom, understanding and patience through my decisions, good and bad.
2. The second thing that occurred to me was a little disturbing and much more difficult to digest. Many times, let's be real, most times, I find myself as the vehicle, the obstacle in between the child and parent. When I envision God as the parent and I realistically consider the bond and relationship I so deeply desire to develop between my Savior and my precious children, I am forced to really examine my role. The things I say and do will effectually define my boys' opportunities to learn about God's character and His role in their lives, which is much more important than mine. When I worry about the little things for my kids (all the time), I am not providing any sense of peace for them. When I take on the burden of every detail of their futures, I am not exemplifying a trust in God to control the future (when only He can). When I lack patience and place unrealistic expectations on them, I am not teaching them about God's grace but indirectly instructing them in the ways of legalism. There is such a fine line, and behind each of these statements, a wealth of potential controversy and as many different opinions as people when it comes to parenting. What I know to be true in my heart is that it is important to seek balance in this area. It is a worthy cause to pursue an accurate understanding of my responsibility, and limits, as a parent, as well as trusting God, completely, with the things that are beyond my reach. I know one thing. I don't want to be an obstacle in my children's abilities to develop a deep and meaningful relationship and a correct understanding of their Savior. I want to be an example, an encourager and someone who constantly points them to Jesus and the cross in word and action.
3. My final insight, seemingly shallow, is actually profound when you're able to allow it to fully penetrate your being, which in my case, requires physical presence. (In other words, you kinda had to be there.) As I sat in my car and watched the wildlife, saw the mountains reflected in the lake and listened to my baby boy jibber-jabber from his carseat in the back, it hit me again, like it has so many times before. I am so small, and God is so big. He is a God of beauty and grace, justice and strength. He is an artist and He is full of love for His creation. I have this awesome opportunity to commune with God Almighty in intimate relationship, and I squander it more times than not. Every time I am here, surrounded by such exquisite grandeur, I am refreshed by the realization that this is what it means to worship. When something stirs within you and it can't be contained or contaminated, all you can do is sit back and know you are in the presence of the Almighty. 

Sacrificial Encouragement

Today has been long and exhausting. I have worn many different hats today with a job this morning, an interview this afternoon, a long to-do list in preparation to leave on vacation, a baby with fever...the list goes on, as you all know and can empathize. We had a little bit of time before dinner must be started, and my sweet husband said 'Why don't you go lay down for a little bit?' (Bless him for noticing I could barely keep my eyes open and was about to topple over.)

I go downstairs to lay down for an early evening power nap (as we still have a 9pm appointment on the calendar for today), and my eye catches some mail on the table. There's a Save the Date with an adorable couple on it and their wedding date (our anniversary). This couple is our 9:00 appointment tonight for pre-marital counseling over the phone. I see their smiling faces and immediately look forward to this precious time with them. Amidst the mail is a package addressed to me, and as I read the return name and address, I begin to get excited.

I tear into the package and find a sweet, autographed devotional book. But the true treasure is peeking out from inside the book. It's a handwritten letter from a sweet, dear friend and wise mentor. It's someone that I've been waiting to hear from for a while, but have also been patient, knowing that she is experiencing struggles of her own.

I laid on the bed and began reading the letter, feeling the excitement of a child with anticipation of what the pages would hold. I read, I cried and I said a prayer of thankfulness and petitioned for comfort for this amazing lady. I was instantly energized and no longer needed to rest.

There is something about knowing that someone is hurting and the impact they can have when they choose to reach out and touch others' lives anyway. That is the story of this woman's life and her heart.

I don't know if you will see this blog post, but if you do, you know who you are and I thank you. Thank you for your countless, selfless acts of kindness and encouragement. I am inspired by you and your example.

May we all seek to reach out to someone today who is hurting and offer vulnerability, encouragement, love and hope.

When the fog lifts...

As Calvin and I drove to the doctor this morning for his 4 year well check, there was thick fog. It was so difficult to see very far ahead, because visibility was bad. It immediately reminded me of life as we know it right now.

Yesterday was a rough day. It wasn't because anything bad happened or anything happened at all. Therein lies the problem. We have been stuck for eight months in a holding pattern. We have been stuck circumstantially, emotionally, spiritually and relationally. Of course there have been ups and downs in all of these areas along the way, but for the most part we have felt like we're in a rut that we just can't seem to escape. When we go on a trip or people come to visit, it allows us to take a break from our present reality. When the trip or visit ends, we are forced to return and face what's really happening...nothing. That's one of the reasons yesterday was such a discouraging day. My in-laws had been in town and we were 'on vacation' for a while. Let me back up and fill in some holes.

Early in 2013, Brandon and I began to discuss and pray about possibly leaving Fellowship Church and Lubbock. Brandon began to feel the tug and need to step away from ministry for a time. I began to feel an unsettled restlessness at my job/ministry that I loved. It was evident that God was beginning to move in our hearts to prepare us for something new. We just didn't know what. (Ironically, we still don't. At least not exactly.)

Throughout the year and circumstances and a lot of prayer, our path led to Colorado Springs. With a little fear and a giant step of faith, we both resigned our jobs, sold our house (very quickly) and received confirmation through various avenues that this was what we were supposed to do. One of the main reasons we ended up in Colorado is because we have family here who had space for us to live, opened their home to us and offered a place of respite and peace while we figured out what was next.

When we stepped out in faith alone, we didn't consciously or verbally express specific expectations, but we have come to learn that we definitely had them. We expected that Brandon would be able to find a decent job fairly quickly. We expected that this living situation would be somewhat short-term (6 months-ish). We expected that this time would be restful and a time of peaceful preparation for what God had in store. When you have expectations that go unmet, the result is always feelings of frustration, betrayal and even anger.

Eight months later, here we are. There has been exactly one interview and no job offers. We are daily tempted to despair and we fight it with every ounce of our beings. We have been through the gamut of emotions, good and bad. I'm not whining, complaining or asking for pity, because the fog reminded me this morning of something very important: we are exactly where we are supposed to be.

No part of this decision seems logical or practical. That's not really how Jesus tends to show us Himself. As I cautiously drove through the thick, misty fog, it occurred to me that this is where we are right now. We are unable to see what might be right in front of us or miles down the road and incapable of figuring out an answer on our own. We cannot control the future any more than we can control the weather. I trusted that the brakes on my car would do their job if I suddenly saw something in front of me. I also, at my core, trust that my God will provide clarity and direction in His perfect time. I don't have to like it or respond perfectly to it to believe the truth of it. The simple truth is that right now, for a great purpose, the next steps for us have not been revealed. We are operating day-to-day life in a heavy fog. Until God chooses to cause the fog to lift, we have no other choice.

However, spiritually, the fog is beginning to lift. Just as when I drove on and suddenly I could clearly see buildings, trees, mountains, other cars, God is allowing me to begin to see the beautiful works He is accomplishing in this process of waiting on Him. Last night Brandon and I sat down and did the last thing in the world we felt like doing. We composed a list of everything we could think of since we moved in November 2013 until today that showed us God's blessings and faithfulness in our lives. The list went on and on. It was easy to come up with numerous ways God proved Himself a keeper of promises. In about 20 minutes we listed 36 things off the top of our heads! We didn't stop because we ran out of things. We stopped because it was late and we were tired. We did commit to continue to add to this list and keep the faithfulness of God at the forefront of our minds, rather than the negative, discouraging thoughts that threaten to invade.

God is so good. And He's good, even when we can't see it.
He is ever faithful. And He's faithful, even when we don't feel like He is.
God is so loving. And He loves us at our worst.

So, as we look ahead, our focus remains on today and what we can see. We have hope in our hearts that the fog will lift, the sun will shine and God's perfect record of faithfulness will remain intact.

"For your steadfast love is great above the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the clouds." Psalm 108:4 

Timeless Seasons

I have always loved the changing seasons. I definitely have my favorite times of year, but it has always seemed that when the next season would roll around, I was ready for it to be here. I have specific associations with certain times of year and holidays, as I'm sure you all do. Fall is definitely a favorite for a lot of reasons. I love the colors of fall, crisp cool air, football games, beginning of the school year (yes, I'm a nerd), Thanksgiving, my wedding anniversary, pumpkins, changing colors of the leaves, and the list goes on and on. It is a season that seems to ease us into winter, and there are things I love and hate about winter. I LOVE snow, fires in the fireplace, skiing, the holiday season and by the end I'm cold and tired and ready for spring. Spring is new life, green, rain, and the beginning of warmer weather and going OUTSIDE. When you have young children who have been indoors for several months, being outside is very important to everyone's sanity. Spring smells amazing, especially in the mountains. Summer is hot. I don't love summer, but I love vacation and being with friends and family, celebrating the 4th, cooking out and watching my boys (all three of them) who love to play in the water. Then, the cycle continues, and at the end of summer, I am always ready for Fall again and the cool breezes it brings as a relief from the heat. 

Today, I finished a book and it enlightened me as to why I love the whole premise of seasons, change and the constancy of it all. We are all created with an understanding, however hidden it may be, of what it all represents. On the surface, it tends to only be changes in weather, different holidays and making wardrobe choices more difficult. However, it has a much deeper meaning that actually resides within our souls.

The way Francine Rivers depicts this symbolism is so beautiful in The Last Sin Eater (oh my gosh, if you haven't read this book, read it, now!):

The gift I needed had already been given; the evidence of it was all around me, everywhere I looked, even in the air I breathed. For hadn't it been God himself who had given me life and breath?

I kept thinking about Granny. I remembered how we'd sit on the porch, melting and waiting for the hot summer day to end in the relief of nightfall. In the thankful cool, we'd stare up into the infinite black sky with glitters twinkling while the lightning bugs sparkled like fallen stars in the woods round about us.

In the fall, Granny'd send me off to capture one monarch butterfly from the thousands that migrated. She'd hold the jar a long while just looking at the pretty thing. "From a worm this came. Don't that beat all?" And then she'd take the top off the jar and watch it flutter away.

First frost had been an event to Granny Forbes, for with it came the high mountain gold and the soft winds that stirred up blizzards of red, pink, orange, and yellow leaves swirling. "The maple's always last to give up its color," she'd aways say. The maple that grew near our cabin was like a red blaze against the encroaching winter gray skies,  its leaves like crimson sparks on the dead brown ground.

Granny would sit by the window during winter and look out at the snow heaping or watch the icicles' slow growth from the eaves of the front porch. They'd catch the sunlight and cast a rainbow radiance. Granny was ever hoarding bread crumbs and sending me out to toss them about near the window so that she could watch the towhees, titmice, red cardinals, and mourning doves foraging for the bits of food in the vast white. During the ice storms and long bleak nights of winter, she'd tell me the mountains were like sleeping giants that'd come awake again soon. "God'll see to it."

And God did. Those mountains always did wake up, without fail. Year after year, the earth came back to life again with what Granny called "God-green." She always said no matter how much you watered, you couldn't get the same color that came with a single rain of the life-bearing water of heaven.

Now I knew why it happened that way, what Granny was trying to show me in words she didn't have. It was no accident, no coincidence, that the seasons came round and round year after year. It was the Lord speaking to us all and showing us over and over again the birth, life, death, and resurrection of his only begotten Son, our Savior, Jesus Christ, our Lord. It was like a best-loved story being told day after day with each sunrise and sunset, year after year with the seasons, down through the ages since time began.

I knew after hearing the word of the Lord, I'd never walk anywhere again without seeing Jesus as a babe in the new-green of spring. I'd never see a field in all its glory without thinking how he lived his life for us in the royal robes of every summer wildflower. I'd ever see the greatness of his love in the beautiful sacrifice in the brilliant reds, oranges, and yellows of fall, and winter white would always speak to me of his death. And then spring again, his resurrection, life eternal.

I cannot say it any better, but I can identify with it, rest in it, rejoice in it and simply be thankful for it, everyday...no matter what the season, weather or circumstances of the moment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Vulnerability & Grace Undeserved

I have no choice but to write this tonight. There are many other things I ‘should’ be doing, with sleep at the top of the list. But when God lays something on your heart that will not let you rest until you share it, there is no other option.

About 6 years ago, Brandon and I were dating and on a mission trip in Thailand. It had been a pretty wild week. We had only been dating a few months and traveling internationally on a mission trip for the first time together will teach you a lot about each other very quickly. It can be a good thing, and it can be an extremely eye-opening experience. In our experience, Brandon learned some unattractive things about me. Still dealing with some past hurt, I was insecure in some areas and this unbecoming quality chose to reveal itself all at once, on this trip, in the form of jealousy, being needy and controlling. I mean, we had a designated balcony where we went to have ‘talks’ throughout the trip. Good thing we were only a few months into this thing and he could still get out! At least that’s what I was thinking. Instead, this is what happened. 

We were walking along the beach near our hotel on the last night of the trip. We were talking and reflecting on our time there, and I think we were both a little relieved that it was over in some ways. I was feeling a little dejected, embarrassed and ashamed because of how I had allowed major insecurities to get in the way of my focus on our purpose for being there. We stopped to look at the waves crashing onto the shore in the moonlight and Brandon looks at me and says (for the first time) “I love every bit of you.” Later, he clarified that what this really meant was I have seen all your crazy and I still love you. 

I was shocked. I was in complete and utter disbelief. And for this reason, I didn’t say anything. Neither did he. It was awkward. We walked back to the hotel in silence. We ended up on our special balcony, and I had finally had time to organize my thoughts. I asked him what was wrong. Ha. He said “Well, I kinda just put myself out there.” I told him to say it again, and he said “I put myself out there.” I told him “Not that.” Then, he smiled and said “I love you.” I immediately replied “I love you too!” We hugged and kissed and were really romantical, blah, blah, blah.

So, the things I have learned from this experience have been brought back to my attention over and over again. There is always a new take away. Tonight, I have recognized another one. 

Brandon was sweating, doubting and thinking maybe I didn’t really love him back. Most of us have been there before, and it’s not a pleasant place to be. What he didn’t know at the time was that I knew after our first date that he was the guy for me. I didn’t pause or hesitate because I wasn’t sure if I loved him. I was dumbfounded that he loved me, and he rendered me literally speechless (which is tough to do!). I was blown away, and felt unworthy because of what our week had looked like. Thankfully, my (now) husband was (and is) able to look past the problems bubbling to the surface and see me, my heart, who I really was. Not simply the symptoms of sin.

Guess what? Christ does the same thing. He doesn’t sit in the judgment seat throwing lighting bolts at us when we mess up. He intercedes for us before the Father out of great love for you and me. We are completely sinful and make mistakes all the time. Yet, God’s loving response is “I love every bit of you. I have not only seen your crazy, but I know your every thought and your heart’s true intentions and I love you still.” It should blow us away, every moment that we remember that we are intimately and passionately loved by Almighty Jesus. It should render us speechless, bring us to our knees, fill our hearts with joy and our eyes with tears of bliss that God loves us unconditionally, no matter what.

I am so grateful that my husband exemplifies the love of Christ to me in this way. He challenges me, pushes me, encourages me, pursues me and lovingly prods me to examine my heart. He also sets the example by doing these things himself. I know how fortunate I am to be blessed with such a rare and mighty man of God.

The truth is that we all have the opportunity to know this love, in its purest form, from the God who not only loves but is love. The only thing we must do to receive it is to reach out and accept the most precious gift anyone could ever hope to receive…undeserved grace.