What I'm Learning From My Kids

This week is screen-free week, and my bright, 5-year-old rule-follower (like his mommy) has not let us forget it at home. I'm thankful his teacher and school are encouraging the students to participate, but I have to admit that I wasn't instantly thrilled at the idea. Having a newborn, emotional 2-year-old and exploring-the-limits 5-year-old has resulted in some satisfying-my-sanity 'yes, you can watch a show' moments fairly often lately. This post seems like a repeat for me that takes place annually when I am convicted about how much time I am spending on my phone, watching TV, letting my children play on the iPad, etc. The last time I wrote a post similar to this was when I was living Colorado, nursing Luke and spending every second of nursing on Facebook on my phone. I realized that I was wasting precious bonding time with my baby that I would not be able to get back. So, I (gasp) took the Facebook app off my phone. Of course, after a while, the world of technology, be it Facebook, Netflix, Words with Friends...eventually pulls me back in and once again, I am spending more time than I want to with my eyes glued to a screen.

Monday afternoon, when the boys got home from school, Luke (2) asked (as he does almost every afternoon) "Can I watch a show?" Before I could respond, Calvin (5) came running into the living room, puts his hands up and says "Wait! We Can't! It's screen-free week!" His clever brother replies "You can't, but I can." Calvin informed us that it actually includes little brothers and sisters, as well as mommies and daddies. So far, we have done pretty well this week finding other ways to spend our time. We've played more games, read more books and spent more time outside. One time in the car, while running errands, we accidentally forgot and turned on the DVD player for a couple of minutes before I remembered. I said something, causing Calvin to cover his eyes and then quickly turn off the movie.

As Brandon and I discussed it on Monday night, I told him how important it was to Calvin that we try to stick to screen-free week. We decided that when the boys aren't here or after they're in bed, we won't force ourselves to strictly adhere to the guidelines of screen-free week. However, during the day, I have really limited my TV-watching time (proving easier now that I've finished Gilmore Girls!). I've noticed an ability to connect with Mollie more and find a rhythm with her that is not as often interrupted by the distractions of the TV screen or my phone screen. Tuesday night, after the boys were in bed, we could have turned on the television, but we didn't, and it was really nice and peaceful to just sit in the quiet and be. If our 5-year-old has the discipline to say no to screen time, then surely, so can we...and we are reaping the benefits of moderation.

One thing, among many, I'm learning from my beautifully frustrating 2-year-old is about security. His love language is the same as mine: quality time. Unfortunately, with a new baby in the house, our one-on-one time has been limited. He senses this, and even though he doesn't understand it, it's just hard. He LOVES his baby sister. Tonight at church, he introduced himself to a complete stranger who asked his name as "big brudder". He holds no visible resentment toward his sister, although he did tell me this afternoon that he did NOT want her to eat! I'm fairly certain he holds it more against me than her.

What it's teaching me is that it's ok to want to feel secure in the love of those with whom we do life. It's ok to feel insecure and seek comfort from those who care for us. It's most important to find our true identity and security in Christ. For me, it's painstakingly evident when I'm not doing that. For Luke, he doesn't completely know how to do that consistently, but it's something I want to intentionally teach him. He understands and perceives way more than I realize sometimes.

Finally, what I'm learning from my youngest, 7-week-old, only daughter. There are so many things, too many to write about here. The one thing that stands out and is accurately represented by this picture is that sometimes we need to cry, we need to take a moment and be emotional and we need to be comforted without feeling like we have to have it all together, be strong or pretend we're ok, when we're not.

She has to be held, like all the time. It's exhausting and frustrating and just plain annoying. I'm not worried that she will be spoiled...she's a baby, not a manipulator. I want to feel like, in a tangible way, that I have accomplished something each day. Sometimes it's difficult to feel that way when I have held her and fed her and changed her (and sometimes managed to feed myself and get dressed), and that is all I've done all day. I understand that this is my main job right now, that I shouldn't feel guilty about getting nothing else done, blah blah blah. It's just increasingly hard to sit and look at a house that needs to be picked up and cleaned and organized and literally just look at it while I sit. all. day. long.

So, while I'm sure Mollie had every right to cry about being stripped down naked, put in a basket, with a bow bigger than her head, I think it reminds me that it's ok to be frustrated with circumstances I can't control. It's important to remember that it's temporary. It's pertinent to treasure the moments that are already passing by much too quickly. Rarely, if ever, will I have the opportunity again to sit and hold my babies, just because they need me. 

I am so thankful for my children and all that the Lord is teaching me, through them, each and every day.

*These pictures were taken by the talented Stacie Stine, whose style I love, as it captures the every day, natural rhythms of life.

The Incline of Life

One Step at a Time

As we began to ascend the Manitou Springs Incline this morning (one mile straight up the mountain, basically), I slightly dreaded what was ahead. This was a repeat for me, so I knew it wasn't going to be easy. I also knew I was capable of getting to the top. The only difference between this time and the first was my perspective. From the beginning of today's climb, I chose to focus, not on the vertical path stretching above me, but on each individual step in front of me. One at a time. When we will ourselves to simply focus on what's right in front of us, instead of becoming overwhelmed with what is beyond, we do ourselves a service. This renewed vision promptly moves the desired outcome within reach and takes us one step closer to the goal.

"The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way." Psalm 37:23

The Importance of Goal-Setting

Once we were well past the bail-out point on the trail and slowly trekking to the false summit (one of my least favorite phrases), I was struggling with soreness, fatigue and shortness of breath. When I focused on the struggle, it tempted me to want to stop, sit down and rest. So, I started to set goals for myself and zeroed in on those. I would choose a point, a landmark, and not allow myself to stop and rest until I reached it. The goal was always far enough to be a challenge, but close enough to be obtainable. Other times I counted steps, sometimes 10 at a time, sometimes 50 or 100. In any case, whatever the next short-term goal, it achieved progress and got me closer to the top.

"Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised." Hebrews 10:35-36

Clear Vision

I would go back and forth between putting on and taking off my sunglasses. It's just a completely different clarity, depending on the conditions. If the sun is bright and in my eyes, I need the protection of dark lenses to enable me to clearly see and have sure footing. In the same way, there are conditions in our lives that detract from true focus and accurate direction. They threaten to blind and distract us, and we need protection, by means of guarding our eyes and keeping them on the path in front of us, so we are able to finish the task at hand.

However, there were times when it was actually easier to see without sunglasses. When the sky became cloudy, they made it too dark. As I looked down at where I was stepping, I could be seeing part of the path through the lenses and part of it under them, and it fractured my perspective making it more difficult to stay balanced and not fall. We have been entrusted with various gifts and tools to use, but it is greatly important that we know when and how to use them.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-2

Steady or Speedy

There is a time and a need for both slow and steady, as well as making bigger, quicker leaps. There are situations that call for patience and others that require action. Personally, I'm much more apt to act than wait. When it comes to physical endurance, I rely much more often on bursts of energy with rest in between rather than a constant pace. There are uses for interval training that prepares us, so when the circumstances that ask us to respond with action arise, we are ready. I think, though, that more often we are petitioned to keep going at a rate that is moving but at the same time waiting and not knowing exactly where we are headed. Patience produces more insight over time. It creates wisdom and understanding that is deep below the surface of what a reaction can suffice. I'm a bigger fan of the intervals because they are easier in the moment. In the long run, I desperately desire to acquire what the steadfast momentum yields. 

"Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in all the earth!" Psalm 46:10

Arrival

The feeling of arriving at a goal is almost indescribable. When you have the ability to look back and see how far you've come, there is a gratitude beyond comparison. The realization of a task completed immediately obliterates, even if it's short-lived, the pain and struggles that it took to get there. All at once, it's suddenly worth it and we'd do it all over again. This is why it is essential that we cling to moments of victory; they will likely be what we hold onto and are energized by when we are standing on the edge of defeat.

"Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own." Philippians 3:12

When the fog lifts...

As Calvin and I drove to the doctor this morning for his 4 year well check, there was thick fog. It was so difficult to see very far ahead, because visibility was bad. It immediately reminded me of life as we know it right now.

Yesterday was a rough day. It wasn't because anything bad happened or anything happened at all. Therein lies the problem. We have been stuck for eight months in a holding pattern. We have been stuck circumstantially, emotionally, spiritually and relationally. Of course there have been ups and downs in all of these areas along the way, but for the most part we have felt like we're in a rut that we just can't seem to escape. When we go on a trip or people come to visit, it allows us to take a break from our present reality. When the trip or visit ends, we are forced to return and face what's really happening...nothing. That's one of the reasons yesterday was such a discouraging day. My in-laws had been in town and we were 'on vacation' for a while. Let me back up and fill in some holes.

Early in 2013, Brandon and I began to discuss and pray about possibly leaving Fellowship Church and Lubbock. Brandon began to feel the tug and need to step away from ministry for a time. I began to feel an unsettled restlessness at my job/ministry that I loved. It was evident that God was beginning to move in our hearts to prepare us for something new. We just didn't know what. (Ironically, we still don't. At least not exactly.)

Throughout the year and circumstances and a lot of prayer, our path led to Colorado Springs. With a little fear and a giant step of faith, we both resigned our jobs, sold our house (very quickly) and received confirmation through various avenues that this was what we were supposed to do. One of the main reasons we ended up in Colorado is because we have family here who had space for us to live, opened their home to us and offered a place of respite and peace while we figured out what was next.

When we stepped out in faith alone, we didn't consciously or verbally express specific expectations, but we have come to learn that we definitely had them. We expected that Brandon would be able to find a decent job fairly quickly. We expected that this living situation would be somewhat short-term (6 months-ish). We expected that this time would be restful and a time of peaceful preparation for what God had in store. When you have expectations that go unmet, the result is always feelings of frustration, betrayal and even anger.

Eight months later, here we are. There has been exactly one interview and no job offers. We are daily tempted to despair and we fight it with every ounce of our beings. We have been through the gamut of emotions, good and bad. I'm not whining, complaining or asking for pity, because the fog reminded me this morning of something very important: we are exactly where we are supposed to be.

No part of this decision seems logical or practical. That's not really how Jesus tends to show us Himself. As I cautiously drove through the thick, misty fog, it occurred to me that this is where we are right now. We are unable to see what might be right in front of us or miles down the road and incapable of figuring out an answer on our own. We cannot control the future any more than we can control the weather. I trusted that the brakes on my car would do their job if I suddenly saw something in front of me. I also, at my core, trust that my God will provide clarity and direction in His perfect time. I don't have to like it or respond perfectly to it to believe the truth of it. The simple truth is that right now, for a great purpose, the next steps for us have not been revealed. We are operating day-to-day life in a heavy fog. Until God chooses to cause the fog to lift, we have no other choice.

However, spiritually, the fog is beginning to lift. Just as when I drove on and suddenly I could clearly see buildings, trees, mountains, other cars, God is allowing me to begin to see the beautiful works He is accomplishing in this process of waiting on Him. Last night Brandon and I sat down and did the last thing in the world we felt like doing. We composed a list of everything we could think of since we moved in November 2013 until today that showed us God's blessings and faithfulness in our lives. The list went on and on. It was easy to come up with numerous ways God proved Himself a keeper of promises. In about 20 minutes we listed 36 things off the top of our heads! We didn't stop because we ran out of things. We stopped because it was late and we were tired. We did commit to continue to add to this list and keep the faithfulness of God at the forefront of our minds, rather than the negative, discouraging thoughts that threaten to invade.

God is so good. And He's good, even when we can't see it.
He is ever faithful. And He's faithful, even when we don't feel like He is.
God is so loving. And He loves us at our worst.

So, as we look ahead, our focus remains on today and what we can see. We have hope in our hearts that the fog will lift, the sun will shine and God's perfect record of faithfulness will remain intact.

"For your steadfast love is great above the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the clouds." Psalm 108:4 

When Life Gets Messy

As I stood at the sink tonight giving my precious baby boy a bath, I was getting water all over everything, including my shirt. The same shirt that I went hiking in earlier with my family, which got soaked in rain and sweat, as I carried Luke in a backpack carrier. The same shirt I wore as I cooked breakfast (wait, no, I was still in my pj's). The same shirt I wore as I went about my whole day playing, feeding and caring for my family. Now, we were nearing evening and yet more messes continued to be created. Immediately after sighing, a big smile spread across my face and I stopped thinking about the mess and focused on the precious, beautiful miracle in front of me as he splashed, smiled, laughed and talked to me. What a joy! Without being messy, what fun do we have? What do we learn? What do we do? We miss out...on living, on creating and on getting messy!

A couple of nights ago, Brandon was gone, and the boys and I made brownies. I was holding Luke in one arm, attempting to keep him from grabbing everything within reach. Calvin wanted to do it all, and just couldn't wait to crack the eggs. One cracked in his hands and he held it to his chest trying to keep it from going everywhere (which actually just made it worse). I couldn't help from just laughing out loud. We didn't even stop to clean it up. We just took off his shirt and kept going! Once the brownies were in the oven and the baby was in bed, my shirtless little boy sat at the table eating brownie batter from the bowl and my heart overflowed with joy. What sweet moments I would have missed if I had reacted in anger, frustration or stress over a small thing like an egg cracked and spilled on the floor! It's definitely not just about me. My children are watching how I will respond to situations and they take their cues from us. I want to teach them that it's ok to get messy and it's ok to mess up. It's inevitable. The importance lies in what we do with it and what we allow God to do in us through the mess.

I read an excerpt today from Good Morning Girls's Whitney. I'm not doing the current bible study, but I've done many of them and if you have never checked them out, I strongly encourage you to do it: Click here or find them on Facebook. AH-MA-ZING! Anyway, this is from today's blog post:

"I've learned over the years that all-together people don't exist. And I've also learned that even if they did, I don't want to be one of them. In my weakness, I've seen more of Christ, and He is more beautiful than before. I've watched Him weave this grace-laced story--messy and twisted underneath--into a magnificent, intentional and clearer presentation for the world to see more of Jesus in me. I've learned that the world doesn't need one more fake all-together Jesus-follower. The world just needs Jesus." ~Whitney

I like order and organization. I don't mind cleaning, but I don't love a huge mess that I know I will have to clean up later (especially if I just cleaned that space). But when I read these beautiful, simple words that Whitney penned, full of truth and grace, how can I not want to be a mess that Christ can transform into something exquisite?

So, whether it's an accident when my 3-year-old spills his entire plate of food in his lap and all over the floor because he's learning independence (and I'm learning patience). Or, it's messy finances where God is truly teaching us to trust His provision and rely on His faithfulness. If it's a fight with a loved one and harsh words are spoken, God can teach us to forgive by borrowing from His abundance of grace and mercy. There is always a lesson, if we just pay attention.

In the tapestry of our lives, it's always messy underneath, and the sooner we realize that it's ok and accept it, the more quickly our vision and perspective will adjust to see the magnificent treasure that Christ is weaving our lives into on the other side. And when you're in what seem to be the messiest parts of life, hold onto hope, because when God is finished with it, that will be one of the most amazing masterpieces of all.