Identity

For some time now, I have struggled with a particular aspect of my spirituality. Identity in Christ. I don't know about you, but the Christian-ese I have been exposed to (or perhaps fabricated on my own) says that it is important that I strive to find my identity in Christ. Only recently have I discovered the unnecessary weight this has placed on my soul.

When I think about looking for something, like I beg my children to search for things, it stresses me out quite a lot. Did you look for it? Did you pick up things and look under them? Did you look for it in more than one place? When I have indeed spotted the exact thing they are agonizing over not being able to find, without so much as moving an inch, the intensity of my impatience and disbelief grows exponentially. My heart rate increases just thinking about it. (Children are a gift from the Lord. Children are a gift from the Lord.)

Similarly, when I really consider this task of finding my identity in Christ, it is not only difficult to grasp, but also a little intimidating. Where do I look? Who do I ask? How do I acquire this elusive and intangible idea and then how do I keep it? When I searched "finding my identity" on Google, there were many results...finding my identity: in Christ, after a divorce, after cancer, as an adoptee, 4 secrets..., 3 key phases..., the first step... the list goes on and on. It turns out it's a popular quest. There is some comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one who doesn't feel like I know who I am all the time.

Recently, I had a realization. As I was sharing about my my struggle to 'find my identity in Christ', this statement came out of my mouth before ever processing through my mind (sounds dangerous, I know). I think it came straight from a truth the Holy Spirit must have planted in my heart, because I hadn't even considered it before I spoke it. It was this:

I feel like it's such hard work to try and find my identity in Christ when I guess I just need to rest in it.

i·den·ti·ty

ˌīˈden(t)ədē/

noun

1. 1. 

   the fact of being who or what a person or thing is.

Identity is not something we find or feel or pursue or choose. It's who we are. It is a fact. I've heard another statement for years that is suddenly meaningful and logical to me:

It is not about who you are but whose you are. 

In our self-centered, success-driven, spotlight stealing culture, of course I am constantly tempted to make it about me. The fact is: it's not. And that's a good thing! If it's about me, then it's up to me. If it's up to me, then I will fail. Maybe not right away, but at some point, I will make a mess of things. The blessed and grace-filled reality is that my identity already IS in Christ. I AM a child of God. I am LOVED perfectly by my precious Savior. I don't have to search for it, ask for it, earn it or do ANYTHING at all. It just is.

What I CAN do is grow in it. I can pursue my relationship with Christ more deeply. I can increase in my confidence of this truth. The difference is that I get to do these things out of an abundance of joy because I am His. It's not out of obligation but out of deep gratitude and a desire to know Him. This slight shift in perspective brings freedom. We no longer have to be paralyzed by the fear of failure. We will fail. We already have. We can live in the sweet certainty that we are accepted anyway-just as we are. We are cherished because He is who He is...and we BELONG to Him.

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The Bad Guys

Luke ran up to me after church, holding his picture that he had colored. He was very excited to tell me what he had learned. "These people have sin in their hearts! This is a bad guy, this is a bad guy and this is a good guy!" He pointed out the people in the picture he had colored. Some of them had a cross in their hearts and some didn't.

I love his enthusiasm about learning, especially when it comes to the Gospel. I am so thankful for the way his teachers at church and school plant seeds of scripture and truth into his heart. I love that what they are learning in church are the same things I am learning in church. What I am studying with the staff at school are the same things my boys are hearing daily in their classrooms. God uses it to prepare my own heart and mind for the tough questions that are bound to come. I also feel the weight of responsibility we have, as parents, to provide the main foundation for their faith.

With two boys and one man in our home who love superheroes, bad guys and good guys are a regular topic of conversation. I know it's important to help my children understand the truth of the Gospel, but I struggle to know how to explain to them...we're all the bad guys. We all have sin in our hearts. We have no hope of ever being a good guy, apart from Jesus and His finished work on the cross. In Christ Alone. It's such a beautiful truth, full of grace. It is something I can rest in, knowing that it doesn't depend on me or the possibility that circumstances outside my control will get better. Salvation rests in Jesus Christ and what He has already accomplished. Praise Jesus.

Is it strange that, even in being confident of this, it is hard for me to want to tell my kids that they're the bad guys? That we all are...or were? How do I help such young and innocent minds see the beauty and goodness of the Gospel, without crushing them beneath the weight of it?

Again, thankfully, it is not up to me. I will fail them, but God won't. I will not always have the exact words to share with them, but God will speak to their hearts. For today, I will cling to Jesus and trust His provision for me and for these precious little ones He has entrusted to me. I will do everything I can to love them and teach them of our need for Jesus, but I will not do it in my own strength.

Birthday Blessings...Don't Waste Your Life

Today is my 35th birthday, and my mind has been racing with these thoughts that I'm finally recording, as well as just trying to take in every moment.





My day started with a beautifully peaceful walk in the light rain with our German Shepherd, Heidi. (It actually started with my 4-year-old having a complete an utter meltdown at 6:30am, but we will get to that later.) This is an important place where reflection happens for me...early morning in the quiet of my neighborhood. (Also, like now, late at night lying in bed with my laptop.) I began to think about the day ahead and suddenly felt challenged, inspired to look forward and press into what God has for me in the upcoming year. I want to seize the opportunities of difficult times and struggles and allow myself to be stretched and grow stronger because of them. I don't want to be comfortable or complacent. Instead, I want to be passionately pursuing the fullness of life that has been laid before me. I was challenged to really pay attention to the many ways I am blessed daily, yet I tend to overlook it. I'm so thankful my day began this way, because I was fully aware when the rest of my day absolutely blew my mind. I am going to list the ways I was blessed, simply because if I wrote out every detail of today, this post would be a novel. So, here goes...

• sipping really good coffee and watching the rain
• getting a surprise birthday phone call from an old friend
• healthy enough to go to the gym to work out (and experience MUCH pain later for it)
• getting a FaceTime 'Happy Birthday' song from mom and dad
• my absolute favorite weather....all.day.long.
• going to a place I love to 'work' with amazing women doing what I love
• receiving sweet cards from these women, whom I admire so much
• a birthday card in the mail from another sweet co-worker at my other job that I love doing with people I love and admire
• reading Happy Bday Facebook posts and text messages from sweet friends and family
• spending time with and getting extra hugs from 3 beautiful healthy children
• growing in patience as one of the beautiful healthy children decided to lose his mind and throw a tantrum...twice
• cupcakes and wine from my sweet hubby who loves me so well (with grace, patience and compassion, not just cupcakes and wine)
• dinner out with family, good food and fellowship, quality time (my love language)
• thoughtful gifts from my mom-on-law who loves me like a daughter
• rocking my daughter to sleep tonight

Google even knew it was my birthday and honored me with a Google Doodle.
It was definitely creepy at first.

These things represent all of the good stuff in my life. I don't remember this conversation, but my husband reminded me of it. A while ago he asked me how I felt about turning 35, and I simply responded: Well, it's half-way to 70. I don't know why I said that or what I was feeling that day. Today, I can tell you that I am overflowing with joy and gratitude. I am overwhelmed by the love of my Heavenly Father for showering down on me an abundance of love and blessings from above. 

There were normal, not-so-great things about today, like there are every day. There was a more clear distinction to me of how great my life is and how hard the lives are of some others around me, in comparison. Yesterday I had an amazing hair day and absolutely nowhere to go, but today...eh. Luke melted down and screamed and cried and just lost it twice, and one of those times was because he didn't want me to go anywhere ever again and wanted the two of us to just stay home and play together...forever, I guess. I sat on hold for 33 minutes with the state licensing board to check on the status of my license and when it was 4:00 and they were no longer taking calls, it just cut me off. I felt it. The enemy tried to creep in and place seeds of doubt in my mind, seeds of guilt and sadness. He tried to steal my joy. Thankfully, I have learned to recognize it and can usually prevent it from taking over. Today, he didn't even have a chance. So, moving forward into a new year, I have hope. I have peace. I have motivation. My mom wrote to me: Happy Birthday, May all your dreams come true! It just made me realize...they have! I hope and pray that each year my birthday is better than the last. Not better because of gifts or trips or experiences or anything external, but better because I am growing in the ability to have true gratitude and broaden my perspective to really appreciate what is sweet in life and what life is really all about.

John Piper's book "Don't Waste Your Life" has repeatedly come into my mind today. I don't want to waste even a moment, but I want my life to be poured out for Christ. That may look very different from day to day. While my kids are little, it means praying for and with them and teaching them to pray and about a relationship with Jesus.  Some days it means ministering through counseling clients or pouring out our resources for the ministries and missionaries who are pushing the Gospel forth into unreached places. Every day it means surrendering to the only One who is worth giving your life for. 

How will you not waste your life today?

Over-spiritualizing the Ordinary

Lately, it seems like I have stood at sinks and washed an overwhelming amount of things. I wash dishes at home. I wash out paint brushes and paint plates at school. I wash my 3-year-olds' face and hands about 8 million times a day. I wash spit up from the baby out of my clothes, hair, her clothes, the carpet and furniture, etc. I wash pump parts 3-4 times a day. It's a lot of washing that goes on in my world right now, people. So, during one of these many washing sessions, I began to wonder 'What is God trying to teach me through this time? Maybe I am supposed to be getting some deeper meaning from this. Perhaps I should be contemplating something in particular during the hours I spend washing stuff.' Then, it hit me...nope. It really just is what it is.

In reality, I am pretty sure I was just bored and craving some deeper meaning to all of it. Sometimes, it just isn't there. The clothes and art supplies and children and messes...they just have to be cleaned. And let's face it, some days they just stay dirty, because I am tired. I'm learning that it's ok if at every corner, there is not some grand revelation. In every task, there is not necessarily a new perspective. Pre-k lunch duty is just not likely to inspire gratitude and feelings of making a difference in the world (shocking, I know).

I'm not saying these everyday things are not important, because they absolutely must be done by someone at some point. I don't even mind them all the time...there are days and moments when I need to be able to do something that doesn't require a whole lot of thought and focused concentration. I believe it's also essential that we (I) stop attempting to squeeze spiritual truths out of each and every moment, just to justify its worthiness. It's much more important to rest in the one truth that God is pleased with faithfulness to accomplish what He has set before me today. He is pleased with simple obedience. He is pleased when we do the things we must do in the phases of life we are in with joy in our hearts that we are able, only through Him, to do anything at all.

Maybe it's just me, but when I realize that everything I do is not required to have monumental meaning, it's like a weight is physically lifted from my shoulders. I'm suddenly free to be thankful for the mundane and to relax, knowing I'm exactly where He wants me to be.

Favorites

Today is a milestone, because our sweet baby girl is 6 months old today! Because it's a Saturday, I've had some moments to reflect about where we are and how each of our children is so completely different. I decided to write a few favorites we all have in our lives right now. The kids crack us up every day, but I don't always get to sit down and write about it. Here are some things we've been spending our time with lately.

Mollie loves playing with her feet and putting her toes in her mouth. Sometimes she will just stare at them. Then, she'll move them and it will startle her. She gets a quizzical look on her face like she's trying to figure out what they will do next. It's quite entertaining...for her, and us. She likes to laugh at her silly big brothers. They will run up to her and say silly things and she will just giggle and coo and bat her long eyelashes at them. She does the same thing when we give her ticklish kisses on her neck. She has recently been playing in her johnny jump up swing, and she is figuring out how to move around in it. She talks to her toys and animals and seems to be a very good listener, which makes her counselor mommy proud. I can't leave out her daddy's all-time favorite: scream talking. *insert sarcasm here*

Luke's most recent favorite word is 'impossible'. The other day when Brandon and Cal were at basketball, I was feeding Mollie. Luke wanted to move a toy into the living room, and I could hear him in the sunroom: "This is IM-POSSIBLE! It is impossible for me to move this. It won't stay together and I can't pick it up. It's impossible." My 3-year old...verbal like a 5-year old. Luke is obsessed with fighting bad guys, being a superhero and inventing new super-powers. His latest is running in a circle really fast to make a tornado in which he makes the bad guys live. He loves his mommy and baby sister fiercely and wants to be just like his daddy and big brother. He keeps us laughing constantly. This middle child is the sticky, messy, unpredictable glue that holds us all together. He also, since recently conquering potty training, likes to inform us of the shapes of what he leaves in the potty. So creative. He likes to hear stories, tell stories, make up stories and sing and dance.

Calvin is loving basketball and playing tag with his friends on the playground. He really likes math this year in school (thanks, Mrs. York!). He loves to read and rise to challenges. He is a sweet friend with a compassionate heart that nurtures and cares for others. He loves to do puzzles, build with legos and do anything that makes him think. He eats a lot, all the time. He likes to tell us what he dreams about at night. One of his favorite things is holding his baby sister and making her laugh. He is not fond of her scream-talking because it hurts his ears. He also likes to memorize scriptures.

Brandon currently likes asking the boys theological questions over meals. When they answer, he follows up with "What does that mean?" I'm sure they will grow to love the fact that daddy is a Bible teacher. This morning, over breakfast, we established that being a Christian means you choose the right path, which means you follow Jesus and not the enemy, which means you make wise choices.

My favorites...them.

What I'm Learning From My Kids

This week is screen-free week, and my bright, 5-year-old rule-follower (like his mommy) has not let us forget it at home. I'm thankful his teacher and school are encouraging the students to participate, but I have to admit that I wasn't instantly thrilled at the idea. Having a newborn, emotional 2-year-old and exploring-the-limits 5-year-old has resulted in some satisfying-my-sanity 'yes, you can watch a show' moments fairly often lately. This post seems like a repeat for me that takes place annually when I am convicted about how much time I am spending on my phone, watching TV, letting my children play on the iPad, etc. The last time I wrote a post similar to this was when I was living Colorado, nursing Luke and spending every second of nursing on Facebook on my phone. I realized that I was wasting precious bonding time with my baby that I would not be able to get back. So, I (gasp) took the Facebook app off my phone. Of course, after a while, the world of technology, be it Facebook, Netflix, Words with Friends...eventually pulls me back in and once again, I am spending more time than I want to with my eyes glued to a screen.

Monday afternoon, when the boys got home from school, Luke (2) asked (as he does almost every afternoon) "Can I watch a show?" Before I could respond, Calvin (5) came running into the living room, puts his hands up and says "Wait! We Can't! It's screen-free week!" His clever brother replies "You can't, but I can." Calvin informed us that it actually includes little brothers and sisters, as well as mommies and daddies. So far, we have done pretty well this week finding other ways to spend our time. We've played more games, read more books and spent more time outside. One time in the car, while running errands, we accidentally forgot and turned on the DVD player for a couple of minutes before I remembered. I said something, causing Calvin to cover his eyes and then quickly turn off the movie.

As Brandon and I discussed it on Monday night, I told him how important it was to Calvin that we try to stick to screen-free week. We decided that when the boys aren't here or after they're in bed, we won't force ourselves to strictly adhere to the guidelines of screen-free week. However, during the day, I have really limited my TV-watching time (proving easier now that I've finished Gilmore Girls!). I've noticed an ability to connect with Mollie more and find a rhythm with her that is not as often interrupted by the distractions of the TV screen or my phone screen. Tuesday night, after the boys were in bed, we could have turned on the television, but we didn't, and it was really nice and peaceful to just sit in the quiet and be. If our 5-year-old has the discipline to say no to screen time, then surely, so can we...and we are reaping the benefits of moderation.

One thing, among many, I'm learning from my beautifully frustrating 2-year-old is about security. His love language is the same as mine: quality time. Unfortunately, with a new baby in the house, our one-on-one time has been limited. He senses this, and even though he doesn't understand it, it's just hard. He LOVES his baby sister. Tonight at church, he introduced himself to a complete stranger who asked his name as "big brudder". He holds no visible resentment toward his sister, although he did tell me this afternoon that he did NOT want her to eat! I'm fairly certain he holds it more against me than her.

What it's teaching me is that it's ok to want to feel secure in the love of those with whom we do life. It's ok to feel insecure and seek comfort from those who care for us. It's most important to find our true identity and security in Christ. For me, it's painstakingly evident when I'm not doing that. For Luke, he doesn't completely know how to do that consistently, but it's something I want to intentionally teach him. He understands and perceives way more than I realize sometimes.

Finally, what I'm learning from my youngest, 7-week-old, only daughter. There are so many things, too many to write about here. The one thing that stands out and is accurately represented by this picture is that sometimes we need to cry, we need to take a moment and be emotional and we need to be comforted without feeling like we have to have it all together, be strong or pretend we're ok, when we're not.

She has to be held, like all the time. It's exhausting and frustrating and just plain annoying. I'm not worried that she will be spoiled...she's a baby, not a manipulator. I want to feel like, in a tangible way, that I have accomplished something each day. Sometimes it's difficult to feel that way when I have held her and fed her and changed her (and sometimes managed to feed myself and get dressed), and that is all I've done all day. I understand that this is my main job right now, that I shouldn't feel guilty about getting nothing else done, blah blah blah. It's just increasingly hard to sit and look at a house that needs to be picked up and cleaned and organized and literally just look at it while I sit. all. day. long.

So, while I'm sure Mollie had every right to cry about being stripped down naked, put in a basket, with a bow bigger than her head, I think it reminds me that it's ok to be frustrated with circumstances I can't control. It's important to remember that it's temporary. It's pertinent to treasure the moments that are already passing by much too quickly. Rarely, if ever, will I have the opportunity again to sit and hold my babies, just because they need me. 

I am so thankful for my children and all that the Lord is teaching me, through them, each and every day.

*These pictures were taken by the talented Stacie Stine, whose style I love, as it captures the every day, natural rhythms of life.

Honoring a Legacy

Our school administrators choose a theme for each school year that we focus on together. We emphasize it, memorize scriptures that remind us of it and teach our students (and ourselves) how to live it out in their everyday lives. This year that theme is honor.

I have been wanting to write this blog for a couple of weeks, and at the same time wanted to avoid it. The first day of school this year (with students) was Thursday, August 20th. This was my oldest son's first day of kindergarten. It was my husband's first day of a new teaching job, after being out of the classroom for 10+ years. It was the first day of my second year as an elementary art teacher. That seemed to be enough to keep us occupied, but on the contrary, a couple of other life-altering events occurred for us in that same week...one of which I'm finally ready to share through writing.

Earlier that week, I got a call from my mom and she told me that my grandmother had gone home. Although she had been in the hospital and recently moved to a nursing home, I still don't think anything prepares you for that call. Soon after, we found out that the services would be held Friday morning, August 21st. After making arrangements to miss the second day of school, it was all I could do just to wait to get home and hug my mom. 

We had a beautiful, sad, wonderful time celebrating Patty's life with family and friends over the weekend. My mom sang Amazing Grace at the graveside service (beautifully and without flaw). My big brother shared a beautiful message at the memorial service about the things about life he learned from Patty and some sweet memories. We looked at pictures and shared stories with my parents, uncle, aunt and cousins. It would have made Patty so proud and given her so much joy to know that she brought us together again for a very special time.

It wasn't until after I got home that God began bringing some sweet stories to my mind about Patty that I hadn't thought about in a while. In order to honor her memory and legacy, I want to share two of them with you now.

The first is most recent. When she fell and had to go to the hospital earlier in the summer, mom discovered some relatives that she didn't know. Patty had a cousin in Arizona who called her to check in from time to time. When Patty was in the hospital and her cousin could not reach her, he became worried and didn't know what happened. His daughter contacted my mom and Patty and her cousin were reunited through a phone conversation once again. He told her that his wife had cancer and was going to die soon. When he couldn't reach Patty, he thought he had lost her, too. He confided that he felt very alone. My sweet grandmother, who always had a positive and encouraging word for anyone the Lord put in her path to minister to, reassured him that she loved him and that God loved him and that he was going to be ok. I was so sweetly reminded that we always must be ready to answer God's call to minister to those He puts in our lives by simply sharing the words He gives us to say. 

Another story that came to mind is one from much longer ago. When I was in Junior High, I was going to a friend's house for lunch one day and my mom came to tell me that Patty had a stroke and was in the hospital. I didn't really understood what it meant, but I could tell it was serious. Once she was stabilized in the hospital, she was very scared and couldn't remember anything. I cannot imagine the fear she was experiencing or what was going through her mind in those moments. With tears in her eyes and the inability to recognize the loved ones standing around her, she picked up her Bible and said "He loves me so much." What faith. What incredible trust. What an awesome God we serve. His Word was planted so deeply in her heart that no physical attack could remove it. She knew nothing else, but she knew that her Jesus loved her and that He was with her. What a beautiful testimony it has given me. In any circumstance, no matter how scary or bleak it may seem, we can always be assured that God loves us and stand on that truth. It is enough.

I miss my grandmother and think of her often. I am so happy that she gets to be with the Father she spent her life serving. I am glad she is no longer in pain, struggling on this earth with all that comes along with a cursed world filled with hurt and sin. Mostly, I am thankful that she left a legacy of love, faith and family. She was one of the strongest women I knew, and it inspires me to be strong too, and mostly to depend on God's strength, just like she did.